Sex and the Sixty-Year-Old: A Few Quickies for Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 12, 2013

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For those of you who were starting think that my friend Susan had extricated herself from the maws of online dating, rest assured that she has only taken a small step back and has managed to keep her fingers mostly intact.

She has had several email and phone conversations, only one of which has culminated in an actual “date.”  She met Mr Candidate at a restaurant.  He seated himself, looked at Susan and the conversation went as follows:
He: Women lie about their weight.

She: And men lie about their age and height.

He:  I think I look pretty good for 72.

She:  72?  Your profile says you are 62.

He:  It does?  My daughter wrote it for me.

Susan’s conclusion: Date #2937 was not good.

                                                     *****

Susan received an email from a man she had replied to and said she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him because he was in Florida.  He wrote back and told her he was quite a catch and even made his own clothes.  She went back onto his profile page which now showed him dressed as a woman.

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One initial communication sounded promising.  But, like a patch of quicksand covered with flowers, this is how it developed.  Third grade spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been left intact.

Good Morning, I am so excited to read from you again.. On because you already Ms. July (Blogger’s note: It was December) You are beautiful. You are so right, i am open to an communication you perfer because i am ready to create a new friendship with someone special. We coupld spend time to talk on phone and email.. when we are both comfortable enough the we plan a meeting, so by the time we get to meet we won’t sound as a stranger to each other..
 
My phone number is XXX (Actual number supplied for a large sum of unmarked bills). Please fell free to call me at anytime.  In the main time let me tell you a little more about me.

(What follows is a heartfelt revealing of his soul, using the words nature, water, breeze, waves, shore, beach, river, lake, ocean, estuary, inlet, tidal basin, cove, creek, brook, bayou, swamp, and fjord.  This is followed by a list of 29 likes and attributes, the most notable of which is:

4th,For fungi play football, tennis and Golf I love going to beach, love to listen good
R&B, Country and Slows
5th,I love being with gentle hearted people that takes life easy with a right vision of
what the future holds for them, ones that are sincere with an attitude of self-control
6th, DislikeI hate liars, cheaters and self-centered ones I don’t like people that feel
they are far superior to other, with a spirit of pride in them
9th,I love the sound of thunderstorm but they also scare me when I’m alone
10th,I hate being alone
11th,I don’t tell lies no matter how it hurt i rather speck the truth and expect
complete honesty since i give it
12th, My favorite color is Red and Blue

Oh I have to stop now too much written I Hope you not too board after reading my email and still interested and willing to give us a chance, I wanna say Thank you for sharing your picture with me… You are Beautiful.. You are truly a song written by the hands of God.
 
The email continues into manuscript-length, but this blogger will end here, as she understands that the reader has only so much time per day to devote to reading anything that will not earn them a living, broaden their intellectual awareness of the world, or bring them to climax. But a second email from Water Lover continued, starting with I am pretty sure our lips would be perfect for each other.

Did anybody tell you that you are one of the most beautiful women in Match.com I bet if they elected Miss Match 2012, she has to be you! Your smile lightened my whole heart when I looked at your picture. It must be raining when you were born, because God was crying for losing his most beautiful angel.How long have you been living on earth?You were so pretty and irresistible and I couldn’t get your image off my mind i really would love to know more about you. (Note to Susan: Make an appointment at the beauty salon, nail salon, cosmetic surgeon, and podiatrist)

Beauty is not based on how attractive we are to everybody else, but how attractive we are to ourselves, for one cannot think other people think they are full of beauty unless they know they are beautiful too,I believe the personality and the soul is what makes a person beautiful, it does not always have to be the physical appearance, True beauty cannot be seen from the outside, it must be found within the soul of your love…. (Note to Susan: Cancel all appointments)

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He ends with This is the much i can write now; I hope you had a wonderful day today. He has covered all forms of communication, except to ask Susan anything specific about anything she had written in her profile.

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Another man requested more photos of Susan.  His response to the ones she sent to him:

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, MAYBE YOU CAN FIND A MAN IN A MOSQUE, OR SOME WHERE LIKE THAT.

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More later, after Susan returns from the mosque.

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