Boomer breasts, while going about their daily business in relative obscurity, have nonetheless unwittingly become symbols of the general state of our world.
The Breaking up of the Polar Ice Caps: The southward journey of the Boomer breast is symbolic of the sinking of the polar ice caps, but because it is located in a place that isn’t normally seen by the public, it is allowed it’s continued slide in relative obscurity until that critical moment when a casual look informs one that it has disappeared, or rather, has relocated itself to another place entirely.
The Disappearance of the Tundra: Like the disappearing permafrost, the decline of the Boomer Breast has its repercussions. As one scientist said, “Think of broccoli that you’ve got in the freezer. As long as it’s frozen, it will remain stable for years. As soon as you pull it out, it’ll go mushy and soon begin to unleash the stench of decay.” This quote has nothing to do with the Boomer Breast, but it is sort of disgusting to think about.
The Fiscal Cliff: The Boomer Breast, like the fate of the US economy, continues to be bogged down by partisan interests: the desire to be true to oneself vs the desire not to scare people in public. The result is extreme factions, in which some women flaunt their natural sag and secure their breasts with their belts in public, while others wear regular bras during the day, sleeping bras at night, and look forward to a “shower bra” being marketed in the near future on QVC.
Fox News: The Boomer Breast, like Fox News, isn’t what it appears to be. Held up by various hidden levers and pulleys, it may seem to be legitimate. But fact checks reveal that its source is often contrived and influenced by outside interests. When threatened, it closes ranks and issues statements like “Everyone thinks I’m ten years younger than my age” and “I still have the breasts of a Barbie Doll.”
Palestine Admitted to the UN: Like a non-country being treated like a country, the Boomer Breast often masquerades as legitimate, even though it’s the bra, and not the breast, that others respond to. The breast hides its natural inclinations and the world hopes that the bra will continue to keep it in check.
The Petreaus Scandal: Like the most recent antics of the high-profile male, the Boomer Breast may, on occasion, stray into territory in which it shouldn’t. But basically, it does its job well and it’s decline in no way interferes with its performance. And anyway, it is only doing what all members of its species do (or would like to do) and so shouldn’t be blamed for what is natural and expected.
Fallout: Yes.
The Endangered Species Act: I wish.
Alien Invasion: While many Boomer women would like to believe that the state of their breasts is due to an alien invasion, this writer has found no evidence to support that belief. Yet.
Perry Block (@PerryBlock)
November 30, 2012
Yes, while I do prefer the 35 year old or even 45 year old breast, any breast is a good breast.
Besides I’m sagging a bit myself.
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
It’s all those brain cells transferred to our breasts.
cindyricksgers
November 30, 2012
Great observations!
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Thanks, Cindy!
notquiteold
November 30, 2012
I KNEW that there must be a reason to be happy about tiny breasts: no sag!
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Yes, be happy with what you (don’t) have.
Hippie Cahier
November 30, 2012
Vis a vis the frozen tundra: I disagree with your premise that it’s irrelevant. My takeaway is that Victoria’s Secret might consider exploring the development of frozen broccoli inserts.
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Oh my. I will refrain from carrying the vision even further.
mercyn620
November 30, 2012
Loved the post!
Renee Fisher
December 2, 2012
You are wemcome!
DUH'Merica
November 30, 2012
Great post, but that’s one of the most disturbing pictures I’ve ever seen…..and I’m a breast lover.
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Yes, Google images is filled with things you don’t want to see.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
November 30, 2012
I had been worried about saggy eyelids, but I can push through that, now that I know the state of my mature female breasts is a proud metaphor for national, cultural, economic, and environmental disintegration. Razor sharp (owwww!!) observations, but unlike most of your posts, this one did not give me a — lift.
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Good one, Sienna.
Carl D'Agostino
November 30, 2012
Why can’t we all stay just 30 years old ?
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Do you really want me to answer that?
ryoko861
November 30, 2012
So everything has gone tits down. Or is that tits up? British lingo confuses me.
Where did you get that weird picture!???
For some reason I think the Mayan Calendar plays a part in all this.
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Or Fox News.
benzeknees
November 30, 2012
Other than radical surgery, is there any cure for boomer breast?
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
Yes. Embrace them.
Snoring Dog Studio
December 1, 2012
This particular Boomer avoids bras altogether. However, my torso has shrunk, my waist is almost gone, so the top of my panties serves as both bra and underwear. Breasts are so damn overrated.
Renee Fisher
December 1, 2012
I’d say you are getting more and more efficient as you age.
Valentine Logar
December 2, 2012
Boomer Breasts can be surgically lifted back from navel to chest wall. Most doctors will ask if you would like filling while lifting. Boomer breasts will then be 25 year old breasts again. Shocking the first two weeks when they look like torpedoes shooting out of sweater, but thereafter quite wonderful, unless you opt for overfilling ala Pam Anderson.
Renee Fisher
December 2, 2012
This sounds like a personal endorsement!
Valentine Logar
December 2, 2012
Could be, no one ever told us back in the days of burning bras if you have a cup size larger than B don’t burn double up. No one ever told us that. Bouncing about with natural double DD’s or more, well that just isn’t good. Not good at all. By the time you are 40 you tuck them into your belt, suck them into your navel. It is an ugly thing.
So yeppers, could be.
Jean
December 7, 2012
And the small gals celebrate as such women age: there’s less to worry. Literally! Suddenly realizing freedom of jogging, cycling, sports, when the two girls don’t have to be mashed in place so much.
Renee Fisher
December 8, 2012
Alas, mine just keep getting bigger. I went to the gym one day recently, wearing my “sleeping bra” (detailed in a previous post) instead of my regular bra and watched my boobs go crazy on the treadmill. Ouch.