Boomer Breasts and the State of the Planet

Posted on November 30, 2012

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Boomer breasts, while going about their daily business in relative obscurity, have nonetheless unwittingly become symbols of the general state of our world.

The Breaking up of the Polar Ice Caps: The southward journey of the Boomer breast is symbolic of the sinking of the polar ice caps, but because it is located in a place that isn’t normally seen by the public, it is allowed it’s continued slide in relative obscurity until that critical moment when a casual look informs one that it has disappeared, or rather, has relocated itself to another place entirely.

The Disappearance of the Tundra: Like the disappearing permafrost, the decline of the Boomer Breast has its repercussions. As one scientist said, “Think of broccoli that you’ve got in the freezer. As long as it’s frozen, it will remain stable for years. As soon as you pull it out, it’ll go mushy and soon begin to unleash the stench of decay.”  This quote has nothing to do with the Boomer Breast, but it is sort of disgusting to think about.

The Fiscal Cliff: The Boomer Breast, like the fate of the US economy, continues to be bogged down by partisan interests: the desire to be true to oneself vs the desire not to scare people in public.  The result is extreme factions, in which some women flaunt their natural sag and secure their breasts with their belts in public, while others wear regular bras during the day, sleeping bras at night, and look forward to a “shower bra” being marketed in the near future on QVC.

Fox News: The Boomer Breast, like Fox News, isn’t what it appears to be.  Held up by various hidden levers and pulleys, it may seem to be legitimate.  But fact checks reveal that its source is often contrived and influenced by outside interests. When threatened, it closes ranks and issues statements like “Everyone thinks I’m ten years younger than my age” and “I still have the breasts of a Barbie Doll.”

Palestine Admitted to the UN:  Like a non-country being treated like a country, the Boomer Breast often masquerades as legitimate, even though it’s the bra, and not the breast, that others respond to. The breast hides its natural inclinations and the world hopes that the bra will continue to keep it in check.

The Petreaus Scandal: Like the most recent antics of the high-profile male, the Boomer Breast may, on occasion, stray into territory in which it shouldn’t.  But basically, it does its job well and it’s decline in no way interferes with its performance.  And anyway, it is only doing what all members of its species do (or would like to do) and so shouldn’t be blamed for what is natural and expected.

Fallout: Yes.

The Endangered Species Act: I wish.

Alien Invasion: While many Boomer women would like to believe that the state of their breasts is due to an alien invasion, this writer has found no evidence to support that belief. Yet.

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