Unicorns, Starvation, and Sparkly Fairy Dust

Posted on December 3, 2012

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In an announcement Friday, the North Korean state news agency reported that archaeologists recently reconfirmed the discovery of the lair of a unicorn once ridden by an ancient Korean king.  According to the Korean Central News Agency, the discovery was made about 219 yards from the Yongmyong Temple in Pyongyang. A rock that sits in front of the lair contains carvings that some believe date back to the period of the Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).

The director of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences, which discovered the lair, cited Korean history books as proof.  Jo Hui Sung explained:

“The Sogyong (Pyongyang) chapter of the old book ‘Koryo History’ (geographical book), said: Ulmil Pavilion is on the top of Mt. Kumsu, with Yongmyong Temple, one of Pyongyang’s eight scenic spots, beneath it. The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.

“The old book ‘Sinjungdonggukyojisungnam’ (rough translation: Revised Handbook of Everything That Proves that North Korea is the Bestest Place on the Planet and Every Other Place Sucks Really Bad)  compiled in the 16th century wrote that there is a lair west of Pubyok Pavilion in Mt. Kumsu.

The announcement brought tens of thousands of North Koreans onto the streets, mostly to hear a lot of big words being pronounced.  And, since the letter “Y” and most vowels had been banned some time ago, along with religion and getting more than three hours of sleep, a sense of jubilation was felt throughout the crowd.

Kim Jung Un, current Beloved Leader of North Korea and the Onion’s Sexiest Man of the Year, and known as Junior to his adoring fans, who comprise 120% of the population of North Korea (allowing for citizens who have disappeared) was gratified but not surprised to learn that a mythical creature resided in what has become, according to Un, “a country of unsurpassed mythical wealth, prosperity, and happiness…We continue to have a lock on myth,” he assured the media.

Un’s father, the legendary Kim Jong-Il, died in 2011 but still expressed joy at the discovery of the unicorn lair.

“Now the world will know that North Korea is famous for more than me,” Il said.  His statement was followed by 300 white pigeons who appeared out of nowhere and, after circling the palace 12 times, all died in unison and fell to the ground, forming the words “Hail Beloved Leader.”

Il, a product of a divine birth, according to reliable news sources in North Korea, invented both the hamburger and the push up bra and wrote 1500 books while in college. Nature did a variety of unnatural things whenever he was around, most of it consisting of making people vanish.

His athletic feats were legendary. He shot 11 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf. And, although, he refused to fly, he became a “crack” fighter pilot.

Most significant, the official state-issued biography of Kim Jong-Il states that the Dear Leader “does not answer to bowel movements like ordinary humans–in fact, he doesn’t defecate or urinate at all.”

His citizen’s adoration was unflagging.  During the 1990s, two million North Koreans died of malnutrition, declaring that starvation was given to them only by the boundless generosity of the Beloved Leader.

While the unicorn could not be reached for comment, a second announcement from the DPRK Academy of Sciences revealed the discovery of North Korea as the original site of rainbows, puppies, and sparkly fairy dust.

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