The 15 Minute Dog

Posted on July 22, 2010


A lot of people, consisting entirely of Only Daughter and Second Son, always ask Life in the Boomer Lane why she doesn’t have a dog.  This is because when they were growing up, Then Husband and I always had dogs.  The answer is that Now Husband, as fabulous and hot as he is, does not want a dog.

In spite of this, I found an ad on Craigs List, offering a beautiful little beagle mix.  The ad said, “Dog was found wandering along the road.”  It should have said “Dog was found WANDERING ALONG THE ROAD.” NH and  drove 25 miles to see the dog.   LBL was assured that the vet had given her a clean bill of health and that she was totally housebroken.  LBL fell in love. NH fell in “I Don’t Want This Dog But I Am Willing To Sort Of Let It Come With Us.”  It wasn’t the best start, but it was a start.

It was downhill from there. This dog apparently had “outside” and “inside” mixed up.  No matter how many walks LBL and NH took her on, and, no matter how long the walks were, the dog waited patiently until we were once again in the house to do her business.  Poop outside: bad; poop inside: good.  And she refused to stay inside.  She didn’t want to walk; she just wanted out.  Given a millimeter of the door opening, she would bolt into the space at full tilt boogie speed.  She made it out twice and was in the middle of the street in less than two seconds.  LBL assumes she was about to find the nearest thoroughfare and go WANDERING ALONG THE ROAD.

LBL tried love.  When she petted the dog or played with her, the dog would put her head down and look either pitiful or bored (LBL couldn’t tell which).  LBL spent several days getting hysterically excited when the dog appeared to consider eliminating on their walks. There was no follow through until the dog was back in the house. LBL bought and threw countless dog toys into the air and then retrieving them herself. LBL was actually turning herself into a pretty good pet for someone.

Finally, LBL admitted defeat.  She tied the dog outside, where she (the dog) spent many happy hours just sitting there, being OUTSIDE.  She came only in when it was time to poop or pee.  So they sort of had a routine going.  LBL should interject here that the bonding she had hoped for between the as-yet-unnamed canine and Now Husband was not exactly taking place.  Mostly, NH got really quiet and started searching for one bedroom condos on Craigs List.  To make matters worse, he refused LBL’s help, even though she was a Realtor.

About two weeks into this dog ownership experience, LBL had to leave for a few hours, and NH wasn’t home.  The dog was, as usual, happily sitting outside watching the air currents change.  Jorge/George, their gardener-type person,  was working in the yard.  LBL told Jorge/George her sad story and asked him to keep an eye on the dog while she was gone. She returned to find Jorge/George and the dog, happily sitting together on the porch in a state of complete bonding.  She had never seen the dog so happy.

Several minutes later, a car pulled up and a family poured out and all rushed toward the dog.  Mom, Dad, two young girls.  They all began smothering the dog with hugs.  Jorge/George explained to LBL that he wanted to take the dog and “share” her with his best friend who lived in the same complex.  The girls had been asking for a dog, and LBL’s dog was perfect.  LBL wasn’t not sure why her dog was perfect, unless the complex they lived in consisted entirely of OUTSIDE.

LBL asked no more questions.  She grabbed the dog carrier, a dozen toys, a leash, all the medical papers and a huge bag of kibble.  She waved as the family loaded the dog into the car.  The dog did not wave back.  By the time NH got home, LBL was serene.  IShe knew the dog had a great new home with people who would love and care for her.  Better yet, she was able to contact the condo-for-sale owner on Craigs List and cancel her husband’s appointment to preview the property.  Hopefully, if NH ever feels in crisis again, he won’t resort to searching ads on Craigs List, but will, instead, talk to LBL first.  After all, as she has stated before, she is a licensed Realtor.