An alert reader has sent Life in the Boomer Lane an article from purpleclover.com titled “17 Surprises Your Body Has in Store for You Post 50.” By the time LBL was finished reading the title, she had come up with over 30 items of her own. But she will now address herself to the items in the article. LBL is well aware of how valuable your time is, as well as how many of you are already teetering on the brink of a suicidal depression over aging. For those reasons, she will limit herself to only the following:
1. Food will taste different
Those over 50 may find it necessary to salt their foods even more than they used to, as taste buds have, like facial collagen, withered and disappeared. LBL has noticed this. She now supplements her normal salt intake with weekly movie theater popcorn and is considering taking a guided tour of all national salt licks.
2. Your cravings will change
“Many adults over 50 report being caught off guard by food cravings they’d never experienced. Shifting hormones are the likely culprit, as taste preferences are known to fluctuate with our hormones. Dips in the brain chemical serotonin, for example, are known to up the desire for cookies, chips and other tempting treats.”
LBL, spoon firmly planted in the pint of coffee Haagen Dazs, was caught off guard with this item. While she has closely monitored the uptick in her penchant for chocolate and ice cream, she has neglected her desire for chips and cookies. As soon as she finishes writing this post, she will make an emergency trip to Safeway to stock up.
3. Getting out of bed in the morning will be more difficult
“A lifetime of wear and tear really starts to take over from 50 onward. That’s because your muscles, ligaments and tendons are simply not as strong as they were 10 or 20 years ago.”
Many men over age 50 have solved this problem by falling asleep in front of the TV. If they are in a Barcalounger, they can then catapult themselves to an upright position in just several seconds.
The rest of us can adhere to the “I am Lady Crawley, Mistress of Downton Abbey,” system of rising from bed. Have a servant bring you your breakfast tray in bed each morning. You can then bring yourself to a seated position, propped up by several large, very expensive down pillows. You may then leisurely eat and, after consuming your food, be ready to stand. Your servant will then deal with the toast crumbs and smears of butter and jelly that are all over your bed.
4. Opening that jar or stuck window will take more oomph
LBL has now accumulated an entire array of devices to open bottles and jars. She has come to the conclusion that it is easier to change her diet than to wage war each day with food products that are hermetically sealed. Thankfully, snack bags are much easier to open.
5. You’ll need to shorten your pants length
The article explains that, because of spinal compression, our legs seem to shorten. While LBL acknowledges that she knows little about human anatomy, aside from a belief that her head looks really bad in hats, this statement confuses her. Under normal circumstances, LBL’s pants do not come up to her neck. Wearing pants at her waist means that only a small portion of her spine in involved. She fails to see how compression of that small area results in her having to now wear Capris as long pants.
6. When you’ve got to go, you’ve really got to go OR
7. You won’t be able to do your business when you need to
LBL will now address items 6 and 7 together. She will start by saying that if you translate #7 to mean you have a computer malfunction at your job, you are under age 50. Go away. Now that only us over-50s are here, LBL will talk turkey to you: Items 6 and 7 are cosmic jokes of nature, perpetrated on an innocent population who never did anything bad to anybody and who was nice to her mother (except for going away to college when her mother wanted her to attend a college in Philly so she could live at home).
8. Mysterious aches will appear and annoy
“Nagging knees, achy feet, throbbing back, inflamed tendons — people in their 50s seem to collect body aches like badges.”
LBL is now losing a lot of sleep because of exactly that. She threatened Now Husband that, if he continues to thrash around in bed, she will sleep in the guest room.
9. Your brain won’t work as quickly
According to the article, we now can’t recall facts, words, and quickly as quickly as we did before. It is suggested that we learn to write with the opposite hand, as a way to teach our brains to fire in new ways. LBL, herself, hasn’t actually used handwriting in about seven years. She tried to write checks with her left hand, but they all bounced, or, on one occasion, her electric bill payment coincided with the entire amount of her SEP IRA. She now pays her bills online and has eliminated all need to write.
10. Your sex life will be different
The article clearly states that “different” doesn’t mean “worse.” This is essentially what Frankenstein’s mom told him on his first day of school. But, because LBL is, on at least two days a year, a glass half full person, she will take this statement optimistically.
“In fact, many men and women in their 50s report enjoying sex more than they ever did as a wild, young thing. Yes, women may need to deal with vaginal dryness and men may discover their erections are less firm and take longer to rise.But experts say this physical need to spend more time becoming fully aroused can bring you and your partner more in sync.”
Concentrating on the glass half full thing, couples can now take full advantage of the above. While your male partner readies himself, you have time to cook tonight’s dinner. Or, while your female partner readies herself, you may sneak off to watch football with the guys. Just make sure you meet back in the bedroom at the same time.
Masochists who need more abuse may refer to the entire article. But don’t say LBL didn’t warn you.
katecrimmins
January 30, 2014
Just a suggestion….instead of salt licks, switch to margaritas. My doctor told me to do that for my low blood pressure and it’s the best medicine ever.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
Ooh Kate, where is your doctor located? I want to be his patient.
Jann @ Austin Details Art + Photo
January 30, 2014
My husband (decidedly not a servant, though some might say a blessed enabler) provides my morning elixir of life to me in bed, allowing me to peruse blogs and comment with adrenalin-fueled attentiveness from the now-cozy warm spot where I spend sleepless nights. You did I not address restless sleep, but I sense it falls somewhere in between items 6 and 7. Excuse me now while I summon my ladies maid to put me in my morning gown.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
I am blown away. Here I thought Now Husband was amazing for standing outside the shower so he can wrap me in a towel when I’m finished. I have to call this to his attention. And speaking of restless sleep, that choice morsel gets a post of its own.
K.L.Richardson
January 30, 2014
There should be a foot note to #8 because along with mysterious aches and pains I have also noticed mysterious noises that my body is making. Some of them are no doubt connected to #8 but some can also be attributed to nos. 6 & 7!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
Oh Jeez, the noises. I forgot about that.
lauramacky
January 30, 2014
Shorten my pant length, LOL!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
I’ll be wearing Bermuda shorts as pants, soon.
lauramacky
January 30, 2014
lol
btg5885
January 30, 2014
Too funny. On item 6, my wife asked me how I knew where all the rest stops are on NC interstates – are you kidding me? On item 8, when you wake up and something aches and you don’t know why, you know you have reached age 50. Thanks for sharing, BTG
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
You’re welcome. Our bodies have become wonderlands, haven’t they.
btg5885
February 1, 2014
I was reminded of one more this morning. God has a sense of humor. Why would he let me have less and gray hair and still get pimples if I have too many sweets or oily food. To this old body, once the hair starts falling, so should the acne. :>)
Trinity Rivers
January 30, 2014
Wow I have been supplementing my increased for salt with movie theatre salt for years now. Husband and I are so different with our post 50 nocturnal aches and pains that we blew right past the sleep number bed and now sleep in separate beds. Works great.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
I admitted to Now Husband the other day that I sleep better when I’m alone in the bed. He was crushed, but I assured him that I would rather sleep poorly with him than well without. The truth is, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I get to watch General Hospital on my iPhone.
Trinity Rivers
January 31, 2014
My husband does not sleep well when I’m not in the house. But he’s OK with me being in the guest room. We have such different preferences in temperature, noise level and time that we sleep that it was a relief when we decided to do our sleeping in separate beds.
valleygrail
January 30, 2014
Thank you so much for the confirmation I am not alone! Now I can relax in knowing it’s not just me. And, After all we prepared for over the years, who would have thought our most unexpected adversaries, at this stage, would be gravity, food, and wakefulness? I call foul!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
The Axis of Evil.
joeyfullystated
January 30, 2014
Wow, turning 40 was so nice, huh? I can’t wait for 50. (And all its margaritas!)
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 30, 2014
It gets better. I promise.
joeyfullystated
January 30, 2014
Despite all that? I sure hope so 🙂
benzeknees
January 30, 2014
Oh, I’m so glad I am not alone! Numbers 5, 6 & 9 especially apply. My mother has RA & in their 60’s because of pain, she & my father got single beds so he wouldn’t wake her with his kicking. I gave up on #10 a long time ago (after my hysterectomy!)
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 31, 2014
And then there’s the snoring issue. I have one friend who sleeps on the floor next to the bed.
ermigal
January 30, 2014
The ice cream craving really hit home. My fave is Perry’s Panda Paws (mini peanut butter cups in chocolate ripple ice cream–to die for, even in the winter) Thanks for keeping the list short, LBL, I notice the attention span
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 31, 2014
I’m not familiar with Perry’s Panda Paws, but I generally stay away from ice cream flavors that are almost as long as one of my post titles.
ermigal
January 30, 2014
oh, sorry..attention span shortens, too. Last, where do I go to find out where “Now Husband” comes from?? Great post, thanks!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 31, 2014
Now Husband’s background on both sides is mighty interesting. He was born in Istanbul. His mom’s family is Turkish, by way of Russia over 500 years ago. They all still live in Turkey.
Snoring Dog Studio
January 31, 2014
Ah, yes, but, BUT – pimples are a thing of the past. Because pimples on top of wrinkles are not a good look. I haven’t experienced the food cravings yet. I’ll eat everything in sight. What I hate most about getting shorter is that my waist is now gone. I think it got absorbed into my butt.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 31, 2014
Interesting observation. My cheeks got absorbed into my jowls.
Snoring Dog Studio
February 1, 2014
Got those, too. ARRGGGH. I used to have nice bone structure.
Valentine Logar
February 2, 2014
no salt, but I can swear to this one no more cheap booze or wine.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2014
Beside, we deserve the best anyway, right?
Lorna's Voice
February 2, 2014
Wow, I’m a way above average Boomer. Actually, I’ve exploded! 😉
Sorry I can’t catch up on all of your posts–I’m just trying to make an effort to let you know I’m still alive, kicking, and thinking of you!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2014
Thanks, Lorna, I’m very happy to hear that. Yes, much as I would like to think that everyone’s life revolves around my posts, the truth is that I am thrilled that anyone takes the time to read any of them.
Lorna's Voice
February 2, 2014
Keep writing–you’re good. I just wish I had more energy and time…
WSW
February 2, 2014
And then there’s the snoring….
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2014
From both sides of the bed….
WSW
February 2, 2014
Oh yes. Every night the roof gets a little shakier.
curiositystretchesimagination
February 4, 2014
Reblogged this on curiositystretchesimagination and commented:
I love this blog. The author is witty, humorous, and makes me look forward to and be ready for my fabulous 50’s
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 4, 2014
Wow, I am honored. And I am thrilled that I have, in some way, inspired you to look forward to 50. The years after 50 are a blast!
Jean
February 4, 2014
Curious I actually want to get out of bed earlier now, than in my mid-20’s.
Another thing: I need to go to bed earlier. Not the greatest night party girl here.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 4, 2014
An opportunity to turn those daylight hours into a party.
Little Miss Menopause
February 8, 2014
You are absolutely hysterical. I am clicking “Follow” immediately if not sooner! The Frankenstein reference just about did me in, laughing! And I was walking my dog while reading this…don’t worry the neighbor lady needed a brow lift anyhow. I am really glad I happened to accidentally surf in here. Not a pretty vision – – almost 50 (one more month) riding the crest of a wave. But I see that is PRECISELY why I belong here.
Thanks!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 8, 2014
I am frothing at the mouth (in a good way) at your comments. Oh boy. Welcome to Life in the Boomer Lane. You now have full access to the dark recesses of my brain. I suspect you are up to the task.