How to Give A Cat A Pill

Life in the Boomer Lane hasn’t written lately about Miracle the Cat, primarily because, until recently, she has remained fairly loyal to a life of eating, sleeping, eliminating, and repeating the aforementioned items. Aside from having an uncanny ability to place her tail in places where it has a better than 50/50 chance of being stepped on, she has done nothing noteworthy enough to place her into this highly regarded, extremely popular, and completely ignored by anyone famous or in a position of power blog.

Until now (the part about the cat, not about anyone famous or powerful noticing this blog.) For the last few weeks, Miracle has been throwing up and eating very little. As she is 16 years old, Now Husband and I considered the worst. A trip to the vet, followed by $500 worth of blood tests and urinalysis revealed a cat who was remarkably healthy for her age, aside from having a coat of hair that eventually covered all walls of the vet’s office and packed the vet’s nose as he handled her.

The doctor could come up with only two other possibilities. The more optimistic of the two was the feline version of irritable bowel syndrome. LBL and Now Husband were told to not feed her for 24 hours, then to give her specially purchased food, mixed with two types of medication. The pills could be hidden in soft food.

Cat owners the world over will probably chime in with their own suggestions. Thee are, however, several additional issues with Miracle. First, she refuses to eat soft food. Second, the hard food she does eat must be the ordinary supermarket kind, the equivalent of feline Doritos. In the world of cats, Miracle is a cheap date. Lastly, she takes the hard cheap food, examines each pellet and consumes it individually in her paw. So she is both cheap and neurotic, a tough combination in this case.

LBL and Now Husband, having never faced the prospect of giving a cat (or any other animal) a pill, tried not to think about the task looming ahead during the enforced food-denial period. When the next day arrived, Now Husband crushed the pills, sprinkled it over the expensive intestinal-friendly prescription food and stood back. Miracle the Cat stood back as well. After several minutes of three living beings staring at a cat food bowl, Now Husband removed the bowl. Admitting defeat, Now Husband eventually replaced the bowl with one containing Miracle’s cheap standby food. Nothing.

A call to the vet resulted in the receptionist telling LBL that “Yeah, that medication smells nasty. I’ll have the vet call you.” Several hours later, LBL received a voice mail from another receptionist, “You called about your cat not eating and throwing up. You should make an appointment with the doctor.”

LBL decided to take matters into her own hands. She found a site titled “6 Ways to Give A Cat A Pill.” She looked at “Method 1 of 6: The From Behind Method.” As LBL had, herself, enjoyed many years engaged in the From Behind Method, she decided to try that one. The illustration and directions for the From Behind Method seemed quite easy, and LBL had seen much the same technique used on TV shows like “Vicious Wild Animal Tamer” and “Sick Vicious Tiger Doctor.” She came up behind Miracle as instructed, firmly held her head, and attempted to open her mouth. LBL then noticed that when two of her hands were engaged with Miracle’s head, Miracle had four legs and an untold number of sharp claws at her disposal with which to rip LBL’s body to shreds. Before Miracle could accomplish this, LBL released her head.

LBL then enlisted the help of Now Husband. She instructed him to hold down Miracle’s front paws. Now Husband’s idea of pinning down Miracle’s paws was to give her a limp paw shake, more appropriate for a cat cocktail party than for the submission of a wild animal. The paws shot out and neatly gored most of Now Husband’s forearm. LBL released the cat’s head. While Now Husband stood at the kitchen sink, running water over the blood, and declaring that if this was what their marriage had come to, he would reassess his commitment to the relationship. LBL considered writing a blog post titled “6 Ways to End A Marriage.”

As today is another day, LBL will attempt to contact the vet again. She also invites all cat lovers to give their suggestions about this issue. LBL has provided you with the considerations. Have at it. Your prize will be several bags of cheap cat food.