This evening, the Miss America Pageant is prepared to stomp dance on our faces once again, with its laminated toothy smiles and stiletto heels. Oh whoops, am I being too hard on this tattered piece of Americana? You bet. I grew up with Miss America, and I have watched her slide from pure goodness and beauty into a hellhole of mascaraed kitsch.
Let me take you back to the Good Old Days, when the first successful political draft of the 20th century resulted in the election of a President whose name actually rhymed with “like,” and “Sixteen Tons” was a popular song, and not the weight of the average American family. 1957, to be exact. Atlantic City in 1957, to be even more exact. The Atlantic City Boardwalk sometime after Labor Day in September 1957 to be so exact as to be able to perform laser surgery with it.
The Atlantic City Convention Center on that weekend was the epicenter of the known world. All along the boardwalk in front of the Convention Center, the humongous portable searchlights sent zillion watt beams into the sky. Had a plane flown overhead, it would have thought it was entering heaven, which would have been ironic because the pilot would have been blinded and the plane would have crashed. As we did every year, my mom and I sat glued in front of the TV in hour house in Philly, knowing that what we were watching was happening a mere 1 hour and 15 minutes away. For about eight years, from 1954 to 1962, watching the Miss America Pageant was the closest brush this blue collar Jewish (yes, they do exist. This isn’t a contradiction in terms) kid came to glamor and sophistication.
When my life and the Miss America Pageant did finally part ways, I became unaware of anything that was happening concerning the pageant, but a few things over the years did penetrate my consciousness. In 1968 on the Atlantic City boardwalk, a group of feminists crowned a live sheep “Miss America,” and threw various beauty accoutrements, such as bras, into a trash can. Contrary to popular myth, no bras were burned, but the sheep requested that she be able to keep the crown.
In 1979, Bert Parks, a cyborg created to MC the Miss America Pageant for eternity, was dumped. In 1984, Vanessa Williams was forced to give up her crown because nude photos of her became public (incredibly enough, without the aid of uTube, Twitter or the E channel.) In 2005, the pageant was dropped from ABC, packed up the World’s Largest Collection of Sequins and false eye lashes, and left Atlantic City for good. In 2006 it found a new home on the Las Vegas strip, complete with skin tight dresses, surgically-enhanced cleavage, and strange talent segments.
Scholarships continue to be the big win of the pageant. Most of the contestants are college graduates or close to getting their degrees. Here is the proof. The following is a list of quotes that previous Miss America contestants have made.
“The world would be a better place if all blind people could see.”
“I would wish to meet Tom Hanks. Or did you mean a dead person?”
“No, I don’t think the Miss America Pageant denigrates women. Well…maybe the ugly ones…”
“My best friend is my dog Robbie. He is dead. And I just KNOW he’s here tonight.”
“I have always admired you Mr Parker. Especially your drive to get dogs neutral.”
“I’m studying to be an anchorman on the local news. As you might well imagine, it’s a challengement.”
I can well imagine. Although challengements are necessary for personal potentialment and self-knowledgement. Just ask Robbie.
duke1959
January 15, 2011
You are so right. All of that is so contrived. It also gives young women a false sense of what beauty is all about.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
It would be interesting to have a competition showcasing some of the amazing young women who are out there changing the world. Except, of course, then no one would watch.
duke1959
January 15, 2011
That is true and what a shame that is.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
Yes.
carldagostino
January 15, 2011
Challengement? Definitely a Bushism. Like peraddition(where evil people do math).
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
Funny, Carl. But wait. Hold on just one second. Think W was on that stage, wearing an evening gown?
Walker
January 15, 2011
I remember watching it as well, we’d talk about who was going to be a runner-up.. it was actually fun. Today? ick…
My best take on the whole thing is the movie Miss Congeniality which shows a humorous but biting portrayal of the whole industry.
I wanted to say that I’m stunned when I read those comments, but sadly, not.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
Miss Congeniality was hilarious. Yes, those comments were funny/sad. I keep wondering what colleges these women attended. On the other hand, people in general, even many college grads, can’t seem to string two words/thoughts together coherently anymore.
writerwoman61
January 15, 2011
This post brought back memories, Renée…I remember watching a couple of Miss America pageants in the ’60’s, but I’m sure I didn’t watch it much after that. I think I mostly watched just to see the fancy dresses! It certainly wasn’t for the stellar genius of the contestants (are you sure that Sarah P. wasn’t one?)! Funny stuff!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
Thanks, Wendy. Miss America was such a huge part of my life for those few years. They were like princesses to me. Now, it seems so irrelevant.
Kathryn McCullough
January 15, 2011
I love the line “into a hellhole of mascaraed kitsch.” Perfect image! We don’t have a TV here in Haiti, so I didn’t even realize Miss America had rolled around again.
I’d love to know where your found those fabulous quotes from former contestants————PATHETIC!
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
See reply below.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 15, 2011
I was Googling Miss America for the date when the pageant came to Las Vegas and the quotes popped up on http://listmania20.blogspot.com. Being the crack journalist I am, I just immediately copied them (there were even a couple I didn’t use) onto my post without verifying them. I’m sure there are others.
s
January 16, 2011
Love your blog and find it quite a daily entertainment to my e-box!
With this one, I just can’t think of much to say. But will leave Miss America and the runners ups’ dreams of what it means to be a REAL woman (in the new millenium, imagine that!) to the “judges” (schmoozers in a trailer somewhere, or perhaps it was a casino in Reno.
Take these horrific shows off the air! Miss America, The Bachelor – these have all got to go. They do nothing for any woman out there except place them BELOW the male species, and perpetuate fairy tales.
I’d rather be serving the homeless and making THEM over. When I DO watch television, only PBS or Discovery Channel, of course.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 16, 2011
Wow, thanks so much. I’m honored. Yes, there is SO MUCH poo poo on TV nowadays. I’m always amazed that with 100 (or 1000) channels, I often can’t find anything to watch. And yes, we spend so much time and money on drivel in this society, when we could be changing things for the better. The question is, how to motivate people.
Tori Nelson
January 16, 2011
Haha! Those pretty things can’t be expected to walk across the stage, wrist-wave, model a bikini, bat false lashes, AND speak proper English! It’s all so challengementing!
lifeintheboomerlane
January 16, 2011
I’m totally enjoymenting your comment.
Allison
January 16, 2011
I believe every.single.quote.
And I don’t want to hear anyone besides Barbra Streisand sing ‘Don’t Rain on My Parade’ ever again.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 16, 2011
They probably think the song is a hymn.
omawarisan
January 16, 2011
Poor girl probably didn’t realize how much danger she was putting herself in by complementing “Mr. Parker”. Is there anyone who hasn’t sued that guy for sexual harassment?
lifeintheboomerlane
January 16, 2011
Thanks for reading. Ooooh, are there scandals about that? And here I thought the pageant was pure. My bubble is burst.
omawarisan
January 16, 2011
Oh yeah (or maybe I’m being pageant ignorant and he had nothing to do with the Mr. Parker/Dogs comment) I was thinking about Bob Barker and his issues with the women on his game shows.
sunshineinlondon
January 16, 2011
And that, darling Renee, is exactly why I have never entered Miss America or any other such competitionment. That, and because I don’t live there. Or in the clouds.
Love this post – you are too funny!
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
January 16, 2011
And that is a hilarious comment!
36x37
January 17, 2011
Hahahah. Those quotes are outstanding. Now I want to go find more…or make up a few.
I remember watching Miss America with my mother back in the 80s, but I haven’t watched it since. Isn’t Donald Trump involved in the production now…or is that just the Miss Universe pageant? At any rate, that would explain quite a bit, wouldn’t it.
Excellent post.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 17, 2011
Thanks. I was fascinated by your question, so I Googled it. Trump owns the Miss USA organization. He tried to buy Miss America about five years ago, but I guess they wouldn’t sell it to him. Poor Donald. I guess he can’t get every single thing he wants.