Covid Visits A Therapist

Posted on January 19, 2022

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What brings you here today?

I’m doubting myself. I’m supposed to be a Big Deal Pandemic. I did everything right. I came at a time when people were always travelling all over the planet. I snuck in easily from another country and took everyone by surprise. I kept changing, so everyone kept getting confused. I had so many possible symptoms that people couldn’t figure out if they had me or post-sex letdown. I killed a zillion people.

Right, so what’s the problem?

I feel like I wasn’t given any respect. A lot of people said I was fake. What does that even mean? Do you see me? Am I not real? Another group said I was real but since they had strong immune systems, they wouldn’t get sick. Excuse me while I laugh myself sick over that one. Others took any number of nonsense meds and home remedies. I mean, seriously, would you drink your own urine? Let’s not even talk about the bozos who turned masks into the enemy.

So you are feeling that…?

I know that the Black Death didn’t have these problems. Or Yellow Fever. Or any other plagues that occurred regularly over the history of the planet. I don’t remember anyone calling them fake or thinking they could cure themselves or getting hostile when they saw others trying to protect themselves. Everyone was terrified of them. They wished they had a doctor giving them a cure. Or even a barber. They had nothing. They beseeched God. They set themselves on fire. They killed their neighbors. They respected. Why not me? Where did I fail? Isn’t everyone supposed to get together and try to wipe me out? I feel like I’m in a dodge ball game and nobody is even bothering to hit me out with the ball.

To be fair, there are a lot of people who have been trying. And there are people who have been terrified of you.

Right, Democrats. They don’t count.

What do have against Democrats?

Nothing per se. But they seem to be pretty simple-minded about this: Boogeyman Disease! Oooh oooh! Consult science! Listen to doctors! Wash your hands every second! Lock your doors! Hope for a vaccine! Take the vaccine! Wear masks! Stay alive! It’s all so predictable.

And the GOP?

Very different: Boogeyman Disease! It’s not real! Oooh Ooooh. Maybe it’s the Dems! This is a violation of the Second Amendment! Quick, lick your hands! Uh oh, here comes a vaccine! Lock your doors! Bill Gates is inside the syringe so he can implant electrodes in your body and steal your virginity!

But I thought their leaders got the vaccine.

They did. But then they told everyone else not to.

That doesn’t make sense.

It has something to do with Critical Race Theory and gun control. I’ve never been very clear about that.

I’d say you are in a pickle.

I wish. But pickles can’t get Covid. I do know what you are saying, though. It’s so bad that I’m considering just winding down and making my exit. Let the next Pandemic deal with this.

Do you have any advice for the next Pandemic?

Maybe announcing on one of those websites that give the latest news about the Deep State that Covid particles can jam up people’s guns?

I suppose it’s worth a try, right?

Anything, at this point. Pandemics are getting a bad name.

Posted in: illness, satire