Catch Up

Posted on August 30, 2021


LBL hasn’t posted anything in quite some time. She has spent most of that time with family, reminding herself that, when both children and then grandchildren have all been successfully potty-trained, life becomes far more civilized.

Unlike her children and grandchildren, the world has not yet been able to successfully potty train itself. While she has been gone, the world has been having an endless supply of potty mishaps, resulting in political and environmental poop being everywhere, out of control. The following are the sources of most of the potty mishaps.

The GOP continues to represent humans whose understanding of the world comes down to 1. It’s mine and you can’t have it (meaning money/guns/the color of their skin). 2. “You’re not the boss of me.” (a favorite declaration of anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, and sullen two-year-olds)

While President, Trump produced a veritable rogue’s gallery of politicians who went on to live in Trump Reality World. Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene, produced from Trump’s body one day after he ate an unusually fatty and carb-laden meal, is the outspoken advocate of guns, white supremacists, and home greeting card-making kits. She rails against immigration, gays, vaccines and masks. She believes all Democrats should be executed because they are satanic, pedophiliac cannibals.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, when not otherwise occupied by dodgy business deals and sexual trafficking of minors, dutifully follows the Donald J Trump Road to Success. Come to think of it, dodgy business deals and sexual misbehavior are amply strewn along that very road.

The list goes on and on. Life in the Boomer Lane will stop before she has a seizure.

Climate Change, after realizing that few people were actually paying attention to it, decided to set the Western US on fire, cause ungodly temperatures and droughts around the planet, efficiently break up the polar ice cap and unleash full tilt boogie hurricanes and earthquakes on areas already reeling from COVID. The GOP blamed all of it on immigration and mask-wearing. Trump issued letters to all card-carrying Trumpets to raise money to build a giant resort, “on the site of the thankfully-soon-to-disappear ice sheet.” The resort, he touted, would have a golf course, a giant wall impervious to immigrants, and a My Pillow Relaxation Room. It would not permit membership to people of color, Democrats/Socialists, or anyone who believes that the 2020 election wasn’t rigged.

ISIS-K (not to be confused with either Special K nor the latest COVID variant) has proven that both human gender identification and terrorism have at their disposal a never-ending supply of consonants that can be utilized. K is a newcomer to the Islamic terrorist minestrone. The “Islamic State Khorasan” (aka K) emerged six years ago and operates as an ISIS affiliate, primarily in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The group is also known as ISKP or ISKPQ.

Like their friends and ex-friends in the Taliban, ISIS/ISIL, Al Queda and Boko Haram, they particularly enjoy closing schools, terrorizing women, carrying out public executions, taking hostages and wearing scary clothing. They don’t like the Taliban, the US or airports. Unlike the K-less ISIS, little is yet known about their attitudes on child COVID vaccination. It can be assumed that they are in favor of mask-wearing but don’t support gun control.

Q-Anon Conspiracy theorists still wait patiently for the announcement that Trump never actually left office and has been simply waiting for JFK Jr to rise from the really-not-dead to be his VP. The conspiracy theory factory is primarily maintained by the popular group Q Anon, which purports that America is run by a cabal of pedophiles and Satan-worshippers who run a global child sex-trafficking operation out of the back of pizza joints. LBL, in an effort to get to the bottom of this in order to serve Loyal Readers, has now eaten in any number of pizza joints. Although she has not personally witnessed evidence of pedophilia or Satan in any pizzeria, she can attest that the best lobster pizza can be found in York Harbor, Maine.

COVID rages on, aided by folks who believe any number of fascinating reasons for not being vaccinated. Bill Phillips, popular fitness guru and author of best-selling “Body-for-LIFE” discovered that he came pretty close to losing his entire physique during his two-month battle with COVID, whiling away his time being hooked up to a ventilator, in a medically-induced coma, and losing 70 lbs.

Phillips, like countless red-blooded Americans, believed he didn’t need the vaccine. Like those who claim “strong immunity” based on Vitamin C intake or having regular bowel movements, Phillips could add the ability to bench press 300 lbs and run straight uphill for a mile.

Phillips now believes he made a mistake. He is joined by any number of God-fearing folks (including three conservative radio talk show hosts, like “Mr Anti-Vax”) who claimed they were proud to die for their beliefs, until it became obvious that they were, in fact, about to actually die. “I made a mistake,” they all said. “Is it too late to get the vaccine now?” they asked through their ventilators. All were informed that the vaccine could not be administered at that late date, even posthumously.

LBL’s Loyal Readers are now up-to-date and LBL is now exhausted. She is hoping that her next post will bring better news, although she has serious doubts. She leaves you now to amuse yourself with the latest conspiracy theories, like neither the moon nor Finland being real or Obama controlling the weather or the earth being sucked into a black hole. On the other hand, that last one would certainly explain a lot.