Too Old for Big Muscles, Too Young for Psychological Well-Being

Posted on July 12, 2021


For those who have Pollyanna Personality Disorder (Trumpers will eventually realize that they been brainwashed by a loathsome toad. Dems and Republicans will find common ground. The Age of Aquarius is dawning. The world is not ending.), there is something stupendous and amazing about every single age of life. In spite of the fact that human bodies, like cars, have a definite life expectancy and start leaking oil and stalling out at the most inopportune moments, the Pollyanna groupies continue to see the bright side of every age in life.

Now, Science has proven these folks right. It turns out that the Road of Life is paved with positives all along the way, even though after a certain age, the terrain starts to climb steeply uphill and be covered with stones and shards of glass and starving rats chasing you. Here, then, are the stages when something about a specific age is completely swell. A human born right now can look forward to a lifetime of joy. A human old enough to be fretting about the aging process can look forward to joy, even late in life.

Learning a second language is easiest when you’re around 7 or 8. This is because the part of the brain that learns language is going full steam ahead in children. In adulthood, it shuts off and adults must use whatever is left over from the brain cells that are normally set aside for breathing, walking, and understanding utility bills. This isn’t an efficient way to learn language.

Brain processing power peaks at 18. This fact will be especially interesting to anyone who owns an 18-year-old or anyone who thinks back on the choices one made at the age of 18. LBL, herself, ruminates on spending the night in an unheated abandoned warehouse in New York during the month of January.

The ability to remember unfamiliar names peaks around age 22. The ability to believe that the names of all humans in one’s life are unfamiliar continues to peak without stopping after age 70.

Life satisfaction peaks at age 23. This coincides with an awareness that all of one’s life is now completely in one’s control. This peak is usually gone by age 24 when one realizes that nothing in life is in one’s control.

Strength peaks at age 25. As this is exactly two years before she started going to the gym on a regular basis, LBL now understands why, in spite of her 43 year adherence to the gym, she still has weenie muscles and can’t bend down to get something that has rolled under the bureau.

Chess players peak around age 31. While LBL has never mastered the game of chess to any real extent, she did make an inlaid chess table at age 31. Just in case.

You are best at learning new faces at age 31. You are also best at looking at your own face in the mirror at age 31.

Nobel Prize winners make their Big Discoveries at the average age of 40. Now we are talking. Give us more.

Understanding other people’s emotions peaks in our 40s and 50s. Yes, More, please.

Math skills peak at 50. LBL is now doing the Happy Dance. She is grateful, however, that no one is asking her to duplicate all the complex geometric proofs she sailed through effortlessly at age 15.

Life satisfaction peaks again at age 69. LBL will now pause and savor this one, although she suspects that a lot of this is due to the seemingly endless supply of films and series pouring into streaming services these days.

Vocabulary peaks in the late 60s or early 70s. Here LBL must stop. While it is very understandable that the accumulation of vocabulary may, indeed, have its peak storage at that age, it is also true that the individual words stored often randomly trade places with other words or even hide in some kind of inaccessible place as undiscovered as the elephants burial ground. “Home Depot” becomes “Top Job.” “Torch” becomes “fire on a stick.” . A “skunk” becomes a “black and white fart squirrel.”. “Sandwich” becomes “bread, then food, then more bread.” And on and on, providing endless hours of laughter for the listeners, as well as the words themselves.

Men and women feel best about their bodies after age 70. This flies in the face of a widespread belief that one’s actual body is abducted after age 70 and a version of that body appears, created by some being who has never studied anatomy.

Psychological well-being peaks around age 82. Luckily for LBL, she is not yet required to have psychological well being. She can relax.

LBL will leave you with a final scientific observation: People are most likely to make big decisions when their chronological age ends in a “9.” Loyal Readers are now released to ruminate about their entire lives and see if this applies to them.

Posted in: research