Seeing the World Without It Seeing You

Posted on January 6, 2020


The world is becoming a smaller place on a daily basis. The locations beset by a rotating array of political upheaval are being joined by those who are standing in the direct path of an unruly climate. Places that are safe, clean, and that speak American English are becoming an endangered species. What is one to do, then, when one has money buring in one’s pocket and has a hankering to see this place called “the world” that one has heard so much about?

Aside from turning the entire state of North Dakota into a climate-controlled “See the World in A Safe and Secure Way” theme park for Americans (as long as they posess a Valid, USA-loving, Real ID Drivers License), Life in the Boomer Lane has another answer.

The state of New Jersey now has a new multi-bazillion dollar mall. In addition to every chain store on the planet being represented, it boasts 450 stors and 100 restaurants, a pool, an indoor water park, numerous nail salons and a detention facility. This gave LBL an idea. Why not have malls all over the country, each one devoted to the theme of a specific country, or at least what Americans would like that country to be like? That way, there would be all the fun of being someplace exotic, without the fear and the ickiness that goes along with anything different.

African countries would all be lumped into one country (no one can tell the difference anyway), sort of like Zamunda, the country that was shown in the film “Coming to America.” Like Zamunda, it would be filled with gorgeous people sporting gorgeous costumes, spectacular jewellry, and toothy, smiling faces. Middle Eastern countries (also lumped together as one country) would have their own gorgeous costumes, and rock wall pyramids for the kids to climb (no matter that pyramids are technically in Africa). No dischord, no messy history, no spitting, scary camels.

Australia would have zillions of tame, automated wildlife, to show people what used to be there before all those annoying fires. Venice would be so much easier to navigate without all that annoying water to slosh through. The Carribean (again, all countries lumped together) would show pristine beaches, never-ending sun, and 24/7 frolicing, before all those annoying hurricanes. You get the point.

European countries would each have their own mall, because Europe is made up of actual, real places, where the ancesters of real Americans came from. Canada would be lumped in with Europe. There would be no Mexico or anything south of that. Instead, people would have the opportunity to contribute to the building of The Wall. Contributers would then be invited to stand on the civilized side of the wall and watch construction.

Restaurants in all the various “countries” would serve hamburgers, pizza, fries and American coffee. For the more culinary adventerous, all cafe menus would serve tastes of actual ethnic food, properly seasoned for American taste. Stores would be the focal point, where visitors could purchase authentic souvineirs made in China to represent the country or continent they were visiting. American chain hotels would ensure visitors a good night’s sleep, without worry about strange toilets or worse, bidets.

LBL welcomes wealthy investors to throw lots of money at her to get the ball rolling. Think of it as an investment in creating a new relationship between America and the rest of the world. Or rather, in continuing the current belief that we don’t need the rest of the world. Either way, LBL is standing by to collect the cash.

Posted in: humor, politics, satire, travel