The Whistleblower, Revealed

Posted on October 3, 2019


Scene: The Oval Office of the United States of America

Characters: Donald J Trump, duly-elected President of the United States of America in spite of the efforts of a lots of really bad people who don’t want America to to Great again

Other Character: Secretary of state Mike Pompeo, who we think is important but is a complete nobodys compared to Donald J Trump

The Whistleblower


Duly-elected President of the United States Donald J Trump is seated at his desk in the Oval Office, watching reruns of “90 Day Fiance.” Pompeo enters.

Good afternoon, Mr Duly-Elected President of the United States, Sir (He bows)

Hey, no need for that formality. Just call me “God Sir.” Shorter and more to the point.

God Sir, why have you asked for me?

I’m pissed, Mike. All I hear is Biden, Biden, Biden. What the fuck. He’s a loser, a fraud, a sham. I want him out. Now. Get him out.

How can I do that, God Sir?

Why are you asking me that? What the hell am I paying you for?

You don’t pay me, God Sir. The American people pay taxes and those taxes pay our salaries.

Seriously? They pay taxes? I’m ruling a country filled with idiots. How am I supposed to get anything done?

God Sir, just tell us what to do.

Are you getting shorter, Mike? Or maybe I’m getting taller. That makes more sense. Get Zelinsky on the phone. I need something done.

Why do you want to talk to him, God Sir?

Fool. Your job is to do whatever I want you do do, not to ask questions. Get him on the phone.

Pompeo hands the phone to Trump. There is a knock at the door. Pompeo answers it.

What the fuck is that noise?

God Sir, it’s the delivery guy.

Don’t let him in if he is part of the Deep State.

I don’t think so. He said something about Deep Dish. With extra pepperoni.

Finally, something is going right. Tell him to come in and have a seat. I’ll be right with him as soon as I get this call over with. It won’t take long. You get on the extension Mike.

Pompeo exits. Pizza Delivery Guy walks into the room, sits down. Trump turns back to the phone.

Good to talk to you. Listen, your first name is stupid and doesn’t sound American. I’m going to call you “Jim.” Here’s the deal, Jim. You want cash or whatever it is that you people are always grovelling for? Well, this is your lucky day, Jim. You grease our palms and we grease yours. That’s how the world works, Buddy Boy.

Trump continues to talk, completes the conversation. Pizza Delivery Guy sits and waits. At the conclusion of the call, Trump hangs up and turns to Pizza Delivery Guy.

I’m finished with that crap. Took care of everything real quick. I’m a pro. Now for the important stuff. Hand over the pizza and get out of here.

Pizza Delivery Guy gives Trump the pizza and leaves (without a tip). Pompeo re-enters room as Trump takes his first bite of pizza.

I was great right? And so is this pizza. Today’s my lucky day.