Game of Thrones for Dummies

Posted on April 15, 2019


In the Free City of Pentos, Viserys and Daenerys Targaryen lived in the manse of Magister Illyrio Mopatis. Illyrio has brokered a deal to wed Daenerys to Khal Drogo, the warlord of a Dothraki khalasar of forty thousand warriors

So begins the Game of Thrones, an epic tale of hundreds of main characters inhabiting the mythical Medieval-like world of Westeros, all making and breaking alliances in a complex attempt to ultimately score the Iron Throne, the Big Dog Throne of all of their various kingdoms.  The Iron Throne is made up of a zillion swords. It looks really scary and uncomfortable, but everyone wants to sit on it anyway. It is located in the Great Hall of the Red Keep in the city of King’s Landing   Kings Landing is, unlike most of the other Kingdoms, really swell-looking, and it is always early summer there and has low humidity.

In order to rule a kingdom, one must have a name that cannot be pronounced correctly under any circumstances. The only person not needing such a unweildy name is Jon Snow. Astute viewers will then assume that Jon will probably vanquish all of his foes in the end, simply because everyone knows how to pronounce his name and the name Jon just might be the all-time best name for a regular, well-liked guy.  Another asset is to have dragons, but not many people have those.

Looming in the background are the White Walkers, zombie-like beings with their own thousands of years history, who inhabit a really cold, icy region to the north, which probably doesn’t help one bit and understandably contributes to their always being in a bad mood.  The leader of the White Walkers is a guy mercifully named the Night King and not some other name that can’t be pronounced.  The Night King is portrayed by an actor named Vladimir Furdik,  who is probably thrilled that he gets to be called Night King instead of Furdick. He looks like he was probably a handsome dude 3000 years ago, before he turned into a White Walker.

The only thing that stands between the always-warring kingdoms and the Realm of the White  Walkers is something called The Wall, a 300-mile-long colossal fortification of ice and snow,  built 8000 years ago, and manned by an elite group of men called The Night’s Watch, who basically give up their entire lives to serve.  They remain celibate, drink a lot of ale, and congratulate each other on keeping the rest of the civilized world safe.

Viewers round out the final group of people in Game of Thrones World.  They aren’t at risk from warfare, torture, drowning, assassination, poisoning, having random body parts chopped off, being blinded, being tossed off the top of towers, developing skin conditions that make leprosy look like a stroll in the park, raped, being forced to marry an asshole, and/or having people make fun of them.  They are, however, subjected, to the relentless brain assault of pronouncing names that the human mouth is incapable of pronouncing, ever-complex story lines and back stories, and some truly annoying characters who keep surviving in spite of various other characters’ best efforts to finish them off.

The final Season of Game of Thrones started last night.  Life in the Boomer Lane, instead of actually watching it, spent her time reviewing all of the past story lines, in an attempt to be better prepared for this evening.  She discovered the following:

1 She was vaguely aware of almost all of the story lines. This thrilled her to no end, until she realized that keeping track of all said story lines has most likely accounted for her losing a lot of everyday nouns during the past seven years,  as well as the names and birth dates of most of her grandchildren.

2 She was unaware of the existence and importance of some major characters, who she should have been keeping track of, but instead dismissed, specifically as “Big Guy With the Messed Up Face” and “Old Guy Who Looks like he Should be on Masterpiece Theater.”

Tonight is the night. She is prepared.  She will use as her mantra her favorite line from the series: “If I fall, don’t bring me back.”

Posted in: humor, pop culture, satire