A Private Conversation Between Big POTUS and Little POTUS

Mike, I’ve called you in to talk about the anynimus letter written to the Failing Subversive Scary Lying and Cheating New York Times.

I didn’t do it, Sir.

I know you didn’t, Mike. But we have to find out who did. Anunismiss things like this can fuck everything up for us.

I’ll swear by it, Sir. No way, no how, nuh uh.

Put your hand down, Mike. I know you are loyal. My questions is, who would write something anonniemoose?

I’ll take a lie detector test, Sir.

No need, Mike. Can you think of anyone on the staff who doesn’t like me?

(Crickets chirping)

I said, can you think of anyone on the staff who doesn’t like me, Mike? Someone who might have written a annamouse letter?

I’ll subject myself to water boarding, Sir, if you ever even think it might be me, even for a second.

Really no need, Mike. I don’t think you are aware of all the top-secret stuff I know about, anyway. In fact, I don’t think anyone knows about all that stuff. It’s really cool. Like missiles and stuff. They are in mountains, Mike. How cool is that? The big chiefs over at the Pentagon gave me a ring, but I can’t show it to you. It’s way cool. And Top Secret.

You can put my head on a post outside the White House, if you think it would be an example to others, Sir. 

Really no need, Mike.  Although when we do find the ninnymouse writer, maybe we should do that with him or her.  That would be way cool.

It’s a great idea, Mr-and-Hopefully-Forever-President, Sir. Can you hold? My phone is ringing.

(picks up cell) Yes. No. No. Not yet. No clue yet. Dumb as a post. Yes, Dear. I know we need  to get started on color swatches for the White House.  It’s on my to-do list, along with picking up the dry cleaning on my way home.

Who was that, Mike? An anunandmoose phone call? (chuckles to himself).

My wife, Sir. She also agrees to make a statement, take a lie detector test, and have her head on a spike outside the White House if you think it will help root out the anonymous letter writer.

What was that word you used just now Mike?  The one right before the word “letter?”

Anonymous, Sir.

I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t use words that didn’t sound like English, Mike. We have to set an example.  Don’t make me remind you again, Mike.

No Sir. No, no, no.  I’ll be a good boy from now on, I promise. 

Good. Now run along and get that stuff your wife wanted. I’m a really busy President and I have lots of important stuff I need to do today.  Call Flynn in. I want to get started with that head-on-a-spike thing. Way, way cool.