Perky in Turkey

Posted on September 4, 2017


Life in the Boomer Lane must write this blog post quickly, as she has just received an alert in her Inbox, shrieking “Hurry!  This underwear deal expires soon!”  She is quite anxious to read what this is all about, as, coincidently, she has an appointment today for a bra fitting at a very upscale bra emporium. She suspects that whatever underwear deals will be revealed in the email will be way more favorably priced than what she encounters this afternoon from the upscale bra fitters at the upscale emporium.  But she trusts that the upscale bras in the upscale bra emporium will tout levers and pulleys discreetly hidden beneath cleverly applied lace panels.

She is also hopeful that the construction of the upscale bras in the upscale bra emporium will hide the several pounds she added to her frame on the vacation she just completed. In sum, these bras will make her thinner, taller and better able to understand why the 35% of people who still think Trump is doing a good job, still think he is.

The price of her bras keeps going up. There is something inherently unfair about this, as, along with this phenomenon, fewer men ogle her. Or, perhaps, they are ogling her in a less obvious way, in deference to her advanced age.  LBL must make a note to tell these men that they are permitted to ogle in more obvious ways.

Back to the post at hand, which has nothing to do with bras.  The bra thing was a tangent, compliments of her brain.  LBL is convinced that, after her demise, if anyone examined her brain, it would be found that it was composed entirely of two items: tangents and the ability to sing “See You in September” backward.  Loyal readers gain in being continually forced to go along on the tangent ride.  The “See You in September” thing is a bonus.

LBL will now force herself to get back to the topic at hand:

LBL noticed the ill-fitting state of her bras as she started packing for her upcoming trip to Turkey. There is something distasteful to her about wearing inferior bras in a country far from home.  She also isn’t clear about why it matters more to her to appear perky in said country than it does to appear perky on home turf. But this need to be perky once she crosses the US border is real. And it is expensive.

New bras are but one pre-trip expense she is incurring.  She has had a mani-pedi, and tomorrow she will have a hair trim. She usually cuts her hair herself, but this time around, she has chopped off more on one side than the other and she is hoping the hair cutter will save her from looking like her head is tilted all the time.

She has also had a pair of capris shortened slightly which had just been shortened the week before. It was worth the extra $20 to lop off an additional two inches, as LBL believes that a slightly shorter pant length will make the legs attached to her 4’11” frame appear longer.

What all this is leading up to is that LBL has just plunked down a ridiculous amount of money, and will plunk down more, in order to impress mostly lot of people who will be selling her things.  But she will also be aware of the photos that will be taken. As her memory, like the rest of her brain, becomes composed of tangents, LBL has only two ways to know about trips she has taken. One is from Now Husband, who has a steel trap memory about where they stay, what they see, and everything that happens. LBL listens to him and asks, “Did I enjoy it?” and hopes he says “Yes.”

The other is the photos, which LBL develops, puts in albums and looks at every now and then. She marvels at all the good times of her life, like standing in front of the great iconic monuments of Europe, all the while examining the state of her hair, her body, and her clothing. It is, after all is said and done, about the photos. It is especially about the photos when one can detect a good bra underneath.

LBL now apologizes to loyal readers for misleading them. This blog post seems to be, at least in large part, about bras.  She leaves you to ruminate on all this, as she, herself, moves on to another mental tangent, specifically how she managed to misplace her Kindle right before a trip.

Posted in: humor, satire, travel, Turkey