It Takes A Certain Kind of Brain to Envision A Flat Earth

Posted on December 1, 2017


Life in the Boomer Lane, in spite of seriously hating high school and college science classes, has still unflaggingly maintained a deep respect for science, itself.  She may not understand gravity, but, as long as she stays attached to the earth, she fervently believes in it.  She may not understand aerodynamics but, as long as the plane she is in stays aloft, she fervently believes in it. And she may not understand the first thing about chemistry, but, as long as her allergy meds work and her antibiotics help her get rid of her annual bouts with bronchitis, she will defend the idea of chemistry to her death.

Because of all this, she has been becoming increasing aware that a respect for science, like a respect for honesty, open-mindedness, and emotional maturity, has been in short supply lately from those who lead. She has often joked that all of this is a boon for Flat Earthers. Little did she know that she was absolutely correct.

Flat Earthers  (many, many of them) have been around ever since the first man realized that he was standing on something. He looked around and that “something” seemed to stretch pretty far.  He imagined it as a flat plate or disk of some kind, even though it would take a while for the words “plate” and “disk” to enter his consciousness.

The advent of science rained on the ongoing flat-Earth party, big time, and by modern times, most people grudgingly admitted that the earth wasn’t flat.  Then, in 1956, Samuel Shenton set up the Flat Earth Society.  The world had just taken a giant step backward. Luckily for everyone involved, because the earth isn’t really flat, they didn’t fall over the edge.

Since Shenton, modern Flat Earthers have remained pretty adamant that the earth is flat, that science is fake, and that if they had a shovel big enough, they could, in fact dig all the way to China and personally convince the Chinese to solve North Korea. While there, they could also purchase a bunch of nifty, inexpensive Chinese-made goods for the family and then come home and yell about jobs going overseas.

In recent days, Flat Earthers have been a bit more visible than they usually are, and LBL has taken note. 

Mike Hughes, a California limo driver, and recent Flat Earth acolyte, decided to take matters into his own hands and prove that the earth was flat. He built a rocket out of scrap metal, and planned, last Saturday, to launch himself 1800 feet up in the air and get photographic proof of the earth as a disk.


“It’ll shut the door on this ball earth,” Hughes said in a fundraising interview with a flat-Earth group for Saturday’s flight.  He also expressed his belief, along with other Flat Earthers , that Elon Musk was making fake rockets with blimps and he acknowledged that he still had much to learn about rocket science. Actually, he said he didn’t believe in science, at all. But the last item was in no way going to deter him from his mission.  Visionaries are like that.

Hughes believes a lot of other fascinating things about the planet we inhabit  Some are even on topics other than flat Earth. But it would make this post far too unwieldy to attempt to cover them all.  Let us just say that, along with death and taxes, the only given is that life is one big honking conspiracy.

For those of you who are sitting on the edge of your flat seats, awaiting the outcome of Hughes’ launch, LBL must now grab a conveniently-located spatula and beat down the peak that has appeared on your interest: The flight did not take place.  Not having the required federal permits plus mechanical problems with his “motor home/rocket launcher” forced Hughes to put his experiment on hold.

She will turn, instead, the other piece of big news concerning Flat Earthers: the incendiary Tweet that Elon Musk, known techie billionaire and eternal foe of Flat Earthers, wrote on Twitter on Tuesday: “Why is there no Flat Mars Society?” Musk, ever the funnyman, might be a total visionary where electric cars are concerned, but he could never have imagined the surprisingly affable response he would elicit from the Flat Earth minions.

The official response, from the Flat Earth Society, came immediately “Hi Elon, thanks for the question. Unlike the Earth, Mars has been observed to be round.  We hope you have a fantastic day!”

Take that, Elon Musk.  You may be a fake rocket maker and foe of all that Flat Earthers believe is good and holy. But we can out-nice you on Twitter.

LBL is absolutely sure that Hughes will continue his rocket attempts, that Musk and Flat Earthers will continue to spat, and that a belief in science among the masses will continue to shrivel . She would say, as our esteemed Press Secretary often does, “We’ll get back to you on that.” But, like the Press Secretary, she has no intention of doing so.  The Flat Earthers will have to find their own ways to get publicity from now one, while LBL turns her attention to other, more important matters, like cleaning that spatula.


Posted in: humor, satire, science