Kevin McCarthy Steps Down

Kevin McCarthy, poised to succeed John Boehner as the next Speaker of the House, has just thrown the Republican Party into a tizzy by removing his name from consideration. The announcement followed McCarthy’s appearance on Fox News, in which he told Sean Hannity that, in effect, the creation of the (taxpayer funded) Benghazi committee was less an attempt to get at the truth than it was a calculated Republican attempt to dethrone Hillary Clinton as the front runner for the Democratic Presidential nomination. In his words,

“And let me give you one example. Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she’s un-trustable. But no one would have known any of that had happened had we not fought and made that happen.”

Response has been immediate from all sides.

Donald Trump has claimed total credit for McCarthy’s action. “They’re giving me a lot of credit for that because I said you really need someone very, very, tough and very smart.  Obviously, McCarthy listened to what I said and realized that he didn’t fill the bill.” When asked by a reporter what “very very tough” meant, Trump answered “Very very tough is obviously a step up from very tough. The fact that you don’t understand that shows that you are a complete idiot and probably have no money in your bank account and buy your clothes off the rack.  You should quit your job and, instead, apply to join the crew that is going to build a wall around Mexico, as soon as I am President.”

The NRA suggested that if all members of Congress were armed, no one would be able to opt out of being targeted for anything. According to an NRA spokesperson, “If all members of Congress were armed, a wuss like McCarthy wouldn’t have the balls to opt out. Just try that nonsense, when you are facing down the barrels of hundreds of handguns. We live in a democracy, and the best way to assure that the democracy works as it should is to back it with ample firepower.” When asked what “ample” firepower would be, the spokesperson said, “That was a throwaway line. No amount of firepower is ample.”

A spokesperson for the Center for the Identification of Secret Foreign Muslims said, “Forty-two percent of Republican lawmakers believe that Kevin McCarthy is a Muslim. Case closed.” 

Ben Carson said that if he were in the room when McCarthy announced that he was taking his name out of the running, it wouldn’t have gone down like that. “It’s like the same thing I said about the Oregon shooting. I would have stood up and said, ‘Hey guys, there are lots of us and only one of him. If we all attack him at once, maybe some of us will go down, but not all of us.  We can bring him down and force him to be Speaker.'”

Vladimir Putin, in a private call to McCarthy, offered to send the “full weight of Soviet military” to Washington, DC, as a gesture of goodwill and solidarity with McCarthy’s situation.

The Koch Brothers immediately funded a new SuperPac, dedicated to keeping Congressmen in line. When asked if Congress isn’t being kept in line enough as it is, the Koch Brothers responded in unison, “We feel like we’ve done a pretty good job, acting in loco parentis with Congress. But, like good parents everywhere, we must remain ever vigilant. These little rascals will get out of line very quickly, as soon as we stop paying attention.”