Time: The Answers Issue

Posted on June 29, 2015

8


6a00e54f05e1bb8834011570903d17970b

It seems only yesterday (“yesterday” being defined as something that Life in the Boomer Lane is fairly sure isn’t happening right now), that Time came out with its last “The Answers Issue.” Life in the Boomer Lane can’t remember what those answers were, but she knows that they didn’t actually change anything in her life. They certainly didn’t help with her food addictions (chocolate/ice cream), her phobias (heights/candidates for Republican Presidential nominee) or her growing list of physical maladies (the latest being sensitive tip of tongue/ringing in right ear). But, because they may help you, she hereby presents a brief overview:

Let us start by acknowledging that questions are like cockroaches. You may seem to have only a few in your head at any given moment, but these are the only ones you can see. Where there are a few, you can be sure there are lots more, scurrying around in the dark and coming out when you least expect them to, usually in the middle of the night, ruining your sleep.

Most people try to avoid asking questions about things, because they are sure that they won’t understand the answer (or agree with it), or, if the question involves medical subjects or technology, the answer will be “What you are saying makes no sense.” Here are two examples:

LBL to Doctor: Why, when I scratch the side of my head near my ear, my right arm tingles?

Doctor to LBL: What you are saying makes no sense.

LBL to Apple Store Employee: Why, whenever I finish a phone call and hang up, my cell randomly dials another number without my doing anything?

Apple Store Employee:  What you are saying makes no sense.

Hopefully, the following will help you to achieve your dreams more than it does LBL.

Where’s the safest place to sit on a plane? The middle seats in the rear third of a plane. While LBL believes this answer, she will continue to avoid middle seats, because, as a small woman with no luck, she will most certainly be placed between two ex-football players who will appropriate her armrests and allow their legs to use most of her leg space. She will spend the flight occupying the same space as a Chihuahua in a dog carrier.

What’s the most effective workout?   That depends on what you want to achieve. LBL’s goal is usually to participate in anything that allows her to watch TV and read during the workout.

Why do people make up words all the time and then everyone starts using them? Time doesn’t actually know the answer to this, but notes that a lot of scientists are working on figuring out why combined words (like bromance and frenemy) are popular. When they aren’t doing this, the scientists are working on why birds will poop on your car with greater frequency, right after you have been to the car wash.

What ever happened to spring? It depends where you live. LBL seriously never knew this was an issue.  She lives in the DC area, where winter is followed by a week of something called “Not Winter,” which is then followed by an invasion of billions of mosquitoes and gagging humidity. This lasts until the next season, called “The Fucking Mosquitoes Have Finally Gone But Now It’s Too Cold to Eat Outside.”

Where are the single Ladies (and Men)? Mostly in city centers, unless you live in DC, in which case you should immediately move someplace else. Singles exist in DC, but they are too young and too transient and too obsessed with their belief that they are vital to the functioning of the planet, to seek a committed relationship with anyone.

Is world peace possible? Yes, as long as everyone on the planet really and truly believes it is possible. The same theory goes for unicorns.

What is the healthiest vegetable? watercress. LBL is so blown away by this, she can’t even think of anything funny to say.

What is the best job in America? Audiologist, mostly because the population is aging and soon everyone will be walking around with hearing aids. The second best job is blogging, because bloggers can say whatever they want to and don’t even need spellcheck, never have to leave home or get dressed, and can learn to live on zero income, which is what almost all bloggers make.

Why don’t we have a cure for the common cold? Mostly because there are too many viruses involved and they change too often to make a vaccine feasible. Also because the tissue industry has such a strong lobby.

What is the main cause of death in the US? Being old. You were expecting another answer, maybe?

What could America’s $18 trillion debt buy? A lot of really good stuff (like free college education for everyone under age 75), but it doesn’t matter because the debt isn’t going away and because it isn’t fair to people over age 75 who want to go back to school.

Am I hurting the planet? Yes.

What is the average amount American couples spend on their wedding, not including a honeymoon? $31,213. Time did not ask what amount American couples spend on their divorces, but it is over $31,213.

What are we most afraid of? walking alone at night  LBL, after reading this question, mentally reviewed the 50 top things she is most afraid of, and hadn’t even considered walking alone at night.

What’s the world’s deadliest creature?  mosquitoes, by a wide margin. #2 is snails. Seriously.

Are we alone in the universe? If you believe we are, you have no conception of what the universe is.

Who is the most significant short, post-menopausal blogger in your world? Time didn’t ask this, but should have.

Advertisements