Life in the Boomer Lane, discarding any number of current world atrocities she could wax poetic about, has instead chosen to entertain readers with her current kitchen improvement project. This project includes custom cabinetry of the one existing cabinet in her kitchen, installation of concrete counter tops to the two mini-counters her kitchen has, and installation of subway tile along two walls. One might think that construction mishaps are directly proportionate to the size of one’s kitchen. What LBL has learned in the past is that they are inversely proportionate.
LBL’s quaint, charming 1912 bungalow is characterized by walls that aren’t quite straight, floors and ceilings that aren’t quite level, and by fixtures that aren’t quite standard in size. It is as though the original builder used plans for a cartoon house, rather than a three-dimensional one. The result is a quirky beauty that befuddles even the best contracting minds around.
The kitchen cabinet was installed first. Next came the wall tile. The tile person discovered pretty quickly that if he laid the tiles truly level, they would appear to the eye be slanting downhill, given the fact that the wall had a slight bow to it and the upper shelves weren’t quite straight. He thus built put part of the wall and installed the tiles on a slant to make them appear to be level. The result was that the new lower cabinet and the stove are now approximating what the kitchen on the Titanic must have looked like as the ship began its fatal pitch.
Enter the concrete counter installers into Kitchen Funland. The smaller counter was to fit through a pass through, the family room being on the other side. LBL suspected something might be amiss when the installer used the word “Shit” three times. They then ripped out the sides of the pass through, in order to make the counter fit through.
The larger counter, in addition to joining the cabinet in its Titanic-pitch, didn’t quite make it to the end of the wall. LBL was told they would make a piece that would fit and no one would be able to tell the difference. They propped up one end of the counter to make it level with the tiles, thereby creating a huge gap on one end between counter and cabinet.
When LBL’s contractor heard what had occurred, he said, “I should call those concrete people and give them a piece of my mind!” As his mind wasn’t that expansive under the best of circumstances, LBL gave it no further thought. Several days later, the concrete company owner called LBL and informed her that her contractor had called him, shrieking several times that his installer was a crackhead.
LBL, a former special ed teacher, knew how to handle a situation like this. She told the concrete person that he and his installer would have no recess until the counter was re-cast and re-installed. He agreed. The second piece came out of the mold in less-than-perfect condition. She is still waiting for the third piece. The contractor has informed her that he won’t finish the job until the crackhead installers finish theirs.
So, LBL has a partially complete kitchen with everything appearing to list to the right. As she has long ago accepted the trade-off of sanity for abounding charm (in both houses and in her own persona), she will patiently wait. Beloved Daughter and Precious Grandsons will descend next week, and, if nothing else, the kitchen should amuse a three-year-old and a five-year-old. Of course NeNe will not use the word “crackhead” when she shows them her new kitchen.
ammaponders
March 30, 2015
Oh my. Good luck. And you’re right–5&3 will love your tipsy the year kitchen.
ammaponders
March 30, 2015
That was supposed to be topsy-turvy kitchen, but tipsy is good, too.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
In the case of my kitchen, tipsy s even better. Thanks for reading!
btg5885
March 30, 2015
Oh my. How come these episodes don’t make it on to HGTV? On those shows, it is all done in 30 minutes? We had some work done on an old house a few years ago that took forever. The contractor kept saying “quality takes time.” I finally said, well you better get “Quality” in on the next train, as we need to get this done.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
As a realtor, I’ve heard about hundreds of home improvement projects over the years. While some are great successes, most have had issues. There could be an entire reality show about this. It would rival CSI in popularity.
btg5885
March 31, 2015
I’ll wager you could tell some stories.
Seeing Clarely
March 30, 2015
I know all about getting the counter re-done 3 times. The tiles and cupboards are straight but the work took 14 months. I’m pretty sure the is installer was not a crackhead but, being my husband, he kept the whole kitchen out of commission for the whole time. (Didn’t want his workspace disturbed.)
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
Oh my, Clare. I remember Then Husband, who was super handy with a hammer, started home improvement projects all over the house. We lived without a foyer ceiling for years. I told people it was a vaulted ceiling.
Kate Crimmins
March 30, 2015
I have come to hate any internal renovations no matter how good the outcome. I swear one of those caused a divorce and several others came close to institutionalization. I am not good when there is chaos. Of course having said all that we are talking about building a new home. Perhaps we could use some drugs…..
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
I can’t imagine. Exalted First Born Son and his wife gutted their home and doubled the size. They were on site constantly. The builder ended up going bankrupt after the project.
reneejohnsonwrites
March 30, 2015
If you are still finding humor in a kitchen remodel, you are doing just fine!! And a little ‘tipsy’ doesn’t hurt either!
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
That last sentence is the important part.
Gail Kaufman
March 30, 2015
Accepting “the trade-off of sanity for abounding charm” – I love that concept! It gives me a new perspective – trading perfection for the ability to laugh at ourselves and the predicaments we find ourselves in.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
My house is filled with quirky goings on. I laugh in every room. But I do adore my house.
Susan in TX
March 30, 2015
As a veteran of four–yep, four–massive home reno’s over the years–I’m a slow learner–all done while we were in residence, your post resonates. Veteran–as in seen much combat–was a carefully chosen word. Good luck with counter #3! And the grands’ visit.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
I am genuflecting in your direction. I cannot imagine going through what you did. Were you filming a documentary about home improvement? Or did you make a bundle of money renovating and then selling?
Susan in TX
April 4, 2015
We bought our first house in 1976 at a HUD auction for $551. That is NOT a typo. It was a fixer upper (heh) circa 1908.
Second reno was 1999. Right neighborhood, right “bones” but…needed so much work that we had to get a converting construction loan instead of a regular mortgage.
Retirement house in 2008, an adorable cottage that hadn’t been updated since it was built in 1981. Then & Now Husband (which says much about his patience) said it was too small. He was right. (I hate it when that happens.) We sold it two years later and broke even.
Current house (2010)–finally have the modern/contemporary style we’ve wanted since 1966–needed “some upgrades.” This is the one they will carry me out of. Made some money–a lot on the 1999 re-do–but in some perverse way I’ve always enjoyed it and somehow managed to stay married.
Susan in TX
April 4, 2015
Hope counter #3 is installed and working!
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 4, 2015
Now, the installation has been put off because the office manager was arrested, charged with embezzlement and the owner has to go to court to testify. You can’t make these things up.
Susan in TX
April 4, 2015
Yes, but you’ve been handed another blog post! Our 1999 house contractor was arrested shortly after he finished our reno. Lesson there? Nahhh.
judithhb
March 30, 2015
I do understand the frustrations of any re-modelling project. My late husband took a contract some 400 miles away while we were having the whole house refurbished/re-modelled. Had he been around I am sure there would have been divorce proceeding instigated by one or other of us.
But think of the fun your grandchildren will have when the bowl full of cereal and milk slides off to the side and finds the space where the counter is supposed to be.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
Oh my, Judith, I feel for you. I had a client once in that same situation, plus she was hugely pregnant. Yes, my kitchen will be like the Wild West, in which the bartender slides the beer all the way down the bar. And I’ll probably find a Lego squirreled away in the small space under the counter.
mybrightspots
March 31, 2015
This sounds like my house. Nothing is level or straight there either. The studs aren’t even evenly spaced in the walls. But even worse, we are Do-It-Yourselfers, which means we (the unqualified, poorly trained people that we are) are the ones stuck trying to solve the problems.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 31, 2015
I’ve sold houses like yours, some with success, others no so much. I also sold a house that was built by someone after the Civil War. He wasn’t a carpenter, but he did the best he could. Everything sloped.