Instructor: I’d like everybody’s attention, please. Welcome to “How to Respect Women,” a workshop tailored specifically for politicians. We will undo a lifetime of womanizing in two weeks. Are we ready?
Eliot Spitzer: You have nice boobs, Teacher.
Instructor: Mr Spitzer, we will refrain from references to female anatomy in this class. Is that understood?
Bob Filner: Cock teaser.
Instructor: We will also refrain from negative references to women in general, Mr Filner.
BF: Hey, if you didn’t want us to notice your boobs, you shoulda left them at home.
ES: Good one, Bob.
(Bob McDonnell walks in and takes a seat): Sorry I’m late.
Instructor: Mr McDonnell, I believe you are down the hall at the “Campaign Funds are Not Your Personal Money” workshop.” (He leaves.)
ES: I like the sound of that workshop better. Can we get credit for that one, instead?
Instructor: “Let’s please continue. Mr Weiner, please stop texting. You were instructed not to bring your cell phone to class.” (AW puts his cell phone away.)
ES: His pants are down again, Ms Boobs.
Instructor: Mr Spitzer, calling me Ms Boobs is not acceptable. Mr Weiner, please pull your pants up. (AW pulls his pants up.)
BF: “Hey Ms Boobs, I mean Teacher, His name is Carlos Danger.”
ES: And he is dane-jer-us!
Instructor: Mr Filner, Mr. Spitzer, We can go on like this for the rest of the class. But then you will not get credit for this course.
BF: Uppity bitch.
Instructor: Mr Filner, I am losing patience with you. Do you not know that women shouldn’t be spoken to like that?
ES: Weiner is texting again.
BF: And his pants are down again.
Instructor: Mr Weiner, if you can’t put your cell away, I will be forced to take it from you.
BF: Now we are getting somewhere. What else would you like to be forced to do?
ES: Good one, Bob.
Instructor: Mr Spitzer. Mr Filner. Stop passing notes. Now. And the next wisecrack either of you makes will get you tossed out of the class. Mr Weiner, same to you if you don’t put the cell phone away and pull up your pants.
BF: Did she say crack? Man, I love cracks.
ES: Me too. This class sucks.
BF: Oooh, I love the word “sucks,” too. Anywhere, anyplace, any time.
ES: And I know where the best pros are.
Instructor: I’m about five seconds away from ending this class.
ES: Weiner’s texting again.
BF: Yeah, and his pants are down again.
Instructor: This class is over.