When I received an inquiry from someone named Alan Brady, about being a guest poster on my blog, I immediately flashed back to the character of Alan Brady on the Dick Van Dyke Show. That Alan Brady was pompous, had a lot of hairpieces and made a lot of bad decisions. He was a guy we loved to laugh at. This Alan Brady is a writer who uses personal experience as inspiration to write about family, the law, and business practices. He currently writes for Attorneys.com, which locates local child custody lawyers. We need to carefully read this Alan Brady.
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The way we view divorce has changed drastically over the last few decades. The intense social stigma that used to surround someone who left a marriage has faded to an ugly memory in our cultural consciousness, and younger Americans have never even heard the word ‘divorcee.’
The freedom to walk away from an unhappy relationship led to a bit of a divorce binge in the 1970s and 80s, when more than half of all married couples were calling it quits. Those numbers have been steadily dropping ever since, with one notable exception. Divorce rates for people above the age of 50 have doubled in the last twenty years, leading commentators to coin the term ‘gray divorce.’
Why now?
Observers discussing this trend have offered several possible explanations as to why divorce has become so common. The fact that the children have moved out, that more women work and earn enough money to be self-sufficient, and that the emergence of the Internet gives people hope of being able to find another partner in the future are the favored answers.
Perhaps to better understand these reasons it would be wise to ask why these couples waited so long to leave unhappy or unfulfilling marriages. In the 1980s, when the last of these couples would have been beginning their marriages, we as a nation were still referring to the children of divorced couples as being from ‘broken homes.’ The feeling that we must ‘stay together for the kids’ was born out of this stigma, which has largely faded among most Americans.
Just a few decades ago, we as a culture were sure that a divorce was a scandal and a divorced woman in particular should be ashamed of herself. Research has shown that the majority of gray divorces are initiated by the woman, which would suggest that this manufactured shame has finally been put aside.
Although women still make only a fraction of men in the same field, their financial independence has become a more plausible reality than it was when these couples embarked on their marriages. For many women this has given them their ticket to leave a marriage that is unfulfilling or unhappy.
Unique challenges
Ending a marriage is always full of challenges, but those hurdles are different for people who divorce later in life. While there aren’t likely to be child support or custody issues, and step-parenthood is less of a concern with adult children, the emotional stresses of leaving a long-term partner are the same. Add to that the fear of being ‘single at this age,’ or being alone for the first time in many years and you have some very real sources of stress.
There are also financial concerns that are unique to gray divorces, largely because of the fact that there is less time to recover financially. This may be a part of why fewer retired people are getting divorced, since they’re already living on a fixed income and won’t have an opportunity to earn more for their future. Working with a qualified financial planner can help you to be more secure and make leaving your unfulfilling relationship easier.
The joy of independence
Still, being alone after many years of marriage is an opportunity to reintroduce yourself to yourself. Take some time to explore new hobbies or forgotten interests. During a lifetime as a spouse and/or parent, it is easy to let the demands of others crowd out your own needs. Remember some things that made you happy, or made you feel good when you had time to focus on your own needs. If you can’t live for yourself now, when will you? Take up a hobby, join a book club or other interest oriented group, or do some volunteer work. Getting out, meeting new people, and trying new things are some of the biggest perks of independence.
For anyone struggling with the natural emotional turbulence that drastic changes like divorce bring on, find an effective support system to help you work through those issues. There are many support groups in existence, some even geared toward specific age groups. These offer a place for people to talk openly about the challenges they face and the different ways they’ve successfully overcome them.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Barneysday
April 9, 2013
Very good observations.
Zoey
April 9, 2013
I wonder, in the last decade, what are the statistics on “Gray Divorces” regarding the man ditching the wife and marriage for a younger woman? Since “the intense social stigma that used to surround someone who left a marriage has faded”, sadly, it seems to be an easy ticket out. I believe is still mostly the older woman who is left, regardless of whether she has an income or not. The empty nest just makes it easier for him to leave, guilt free, after she has committed her life to raising their children and very often supporting his career too.
Just saying.
alanbrady22
April 10, 2013
Thank you for your comment. Actually, the AARP conducted a survey (http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf) in 2004 where they interviewed divorced people between the ages of 40 and 79, and 66% of woman asked said that they initiated the divorce, while only 41% of men said that it was their idea. Interestingly, even when the woman had been considering leaving for years, it often came as a shock to her spouse. Staying together for the children is the most common reason people put off leaving a marriage, so it seems the ’empty nest’ is liberating both husbands and wives later in life.
Lynne Spreen
April 9, 2013
It took me three attempts to find the right spouse. Him, too. So we’re stuck with each other, because in California, there’s something called the Three Strikes Law, so it’s a life sentence for both of us.
We both say if anything happened to the other, the survivor wouldn’t remarry. He/She would get a dog. At this age, there’s just too much to adjust to. Learning the names of the kids of the new person, the exes, the dead parents, etc. Already we can’t remember which spouse we went on what vacations with (“Was that you? No? Sorry.”) More data would be daunting.
I get a charge out of pretending I’m alone. What would I be doing this very minute if I didn’t have him around? It helps me reconnect with myself. It’s fun.
But then there are the nights I lie awake thinking, he’s 7 years older than me. I’ve only got him for another 15, 20 if I’m lucky. And then I roll toward him and hug his back, near tears.
Weird to be this age.
Nataly
April 9, 2013
Great article. Just got divorced….. would rather wake up alone and under a bridge than deal with his BS.
chlost
April 9, 2013
As an attorney who was a divorce attorney in a previous life,and even listed with attorneys.com, I agree with the author’s observations. Many long-married couples were getting divorced. Often, the marriage had been a sham for many years. I would hear of people who lived on separate floors of the house and had even less contact with each other than college roommates would have had. There is more time for the wounds to fester, more hurt feelings, often old grudges. The majority of the men that I represented married relatively soon after being divorced. The women were more often happy to just be on their own, often for the first time in their lives. The financial issues were paramount. Most women of that era either did not work outside the home, or were working part -time for most of their working careers. Many of the men had an “It’s my money” attitude which they had drilled into their wives. The most successful (emotionally) of my clients were those who worked with a traditional counselor, as it is a death-of a long relationship and way of life,- and those who had financial counseling-to assist with sound financial decisions. There are “divorce camps” sprouting in our area, focused primarily on women, to bring many professionals together in one place to give it to them straight.
A great piece by this Alan Brady! Thanks!
Snoring Dog Studio
April 10, 2013
No matter when a person gets divorced, there is life beyond it. I’m glad that women are finding their courage to walk away from a lousy marriage.
pegoleg
April 10, 2013
Interesting points. I used to think that habit, if nothing else, would keep people together after 25-30 years, but that’s not what I see in our friends and acquaintances. Now that we’re living longer, it makes more sense to say “I don’t want to be miserable for the NEXT 30 years.”
benzeknees
April 10, 2013
Very interesting POV!
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
April 12, 2013
When one of my friends got divorced she told me that she was shocked by the number of women who approached her and told her how miserable they were in their own marriages. They were afraid of financially insecurity: that’s why most of them were staying married.