Hybrid Wolf/Coyotes and Urinating Democrats

Posted on November 12, 2012

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Since the beginning of time, it  has been necessary for people in communities to disseminate information to each other for their mutual benefit (“I saw a mastodon in my backyard last night.”  “That lady in the cottage three doors down is acting like a witch. Should I kill her?” “Does anyone have an extra chastity belt key to lend me?  My husband lost his and he’s getting frantic.”).  These communications were, unfortunately, often random and not timely.  People down the block could be having the Plague and you’d never find out until you saw the death cart go by and by then it would be too late.

Technology changed all that with the advent of the neighborhood listserv.  The listserv, an in-house email system allows citizens to communicate instantly on a variety of topics of vital import.  Along with the usual offers of and/or requests for baby items/children’s sports equipment/walkers/crutches/plants/mulch/fetish hoods and requests for referrals for electricians/plumbers/carpenters/doctors/dentists/hair stylists/massage therapists, and aura readers, favorite topics are:

Power outages: Neighbors like to know who has power and who doesn’t.  They also like to tell everyone every time they call the utility company and what the conversation was.  They like to speculate on when power will be restored and why certain streets have power and others don’t. They especially like to do this at regular intervals during the night.  When people have no power nowadays, they can still use their mobile devices to let others know on an hourly basis that they still have no power and are very sad.

Hitherto Undiscovered Species of Scary Animals: Some neighbors like to alert the neighborhood when animals come onto their property. It is good to tell people when they find dog poop on their properties. It is better when the animal is a potential killer, like a wolf or a coyote.  It is even better when it is a hybrid of two killers, like a Hybrid Coyote/Wolf.  It is best when you can include a 30 second video taken in the middle of the night, in which a dark blur goes across the screen from second 23 to second 25.

A neighbor can discover his or her own species, like a Hybrid Crow/Coyote, which would be a very smart and very dangerous animal.  Since coyotes are dangerous and crows are brilliant tricksters, these Hybrid Crow/Coyotes wouldn’t even have to attack you.  They could just trick you into killing yourself.

Politics: Since politics is banned from the listserv, people have to be very subtle in the ways they express themselves politically.  An example of this would be “Some men came to my door last night.  They were well dressed, charming and seemed inordinately intelligent. I discovered during the conversation that they were Republicans, polling for Romney.” Or, “Some people were looking in my window last night.  I got really scared and hid under my bed.  I found literature they stuffed under my door.  They were Democrats polling for Obama.  I think they also peed on my lawn.”

Parking: In urban areas, people will sometimes park in front of someone’s house and walk to the bus or Metro. People like to talk about this on the listserv. They arrange themselves into two factions.  One faction believes that the street and sidewalk should be enjoyed by everyone. Others believe that the space in front of their homes is sacred and should be used only by them.  These people usually believe that parking space usurpers are members of the wrong political party and pee on their lawns.  Both factions like to write long notices on the listserv, explaining their positions.  The actual people who are parking in these actual spaces live somewhere else, so they never read the postings.  The peeing part remains unsubstantiated.

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Posted in: humor, neighbors, satire