What Makes Things Spew Out of My Nose

Posted on March 11, 2011

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Life in the Boomer Lane can’t help it.  Whenever anything happens that makes her feel uncomfortable or helpless or scared, she makes a joke.  Then LBL makes herself laugh (because she is always her own best audience) and then things come out of her nose.  Her life has never been directly threatened, but on two occasions when it was sort of threatened by scary things being pointed at her by people she didn’t know (one gun, one knife,) she laughed.  LBL suspects that if she had lived at the time of WWII and had chosen to stay behind in Europe as some members of her family did, her last words on earth would have been to the person next to her in line, “A funny thing happened on my way to Dachau….” as they both marched toward the smoke.  (Apologies to her deceased family.)

This week’s issue of Newsweek has now provided LBL with news items that are inexplicable, disturbing, and downright scary.  Hence, jokes. Hence, things coming out of her nose:

Mike Huckabee: “Having grown up in Kenya, his (Obama’s) view of the Brits…is very different than the average American.”  Get this man a world map. Show him that Hawaii isn’t a city in Kenya.  On second thought, forget it. No evidence about anything has had any impact on him, so why should this.

China: In China today…there are 123 male children for every 100 females.  Economists ask what the consequences will be. Forget the economists. History shows that we have far more serious problems on the table when males dominate a society.

The mideast revolution: “…the oil barons and the traders will get richer, and most people worldwide will scramble against higher oil and food prices and declining economies.”  (Note to anyone writing about anything: The previous statement will be the appropriate answer for all questions from now on, even those including breast implants and toilet training.)

Success in marriage:  is, according to the latest research, and contrary to what any of us (except for Larry King) have ever believed, all about being delusional about ones’ spouse, and not being clear and focused.  If you are contemplating marriage, get rid of the books and marriage counselors and just go out and find some who’s really really hot.

Charlie Sheen: You seriously didn’t think you’d be able to read a post without a reference to that guy, did you? Two minutes after he was dumped from Two and A Half Men, he was offered a $3 million endorsement deal for a drink called “Just Chill,” which claims to reduce stress. Winning.

Carnal Desires and Urination: Scientists have discovered that all carnal desires are connected and all are tied to urination. Hold it in and you have self control over everything else. But even just thinking about urination means all is lost.  Seriously bad news for post-menopausal women.

This post is over because her pants are wet and she has things spewing out of her nose.

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Posted in: humor, satire