Ooooh, provocative blog title. Life in the Boomer Lane can hear the heavy breathing of people lining up on either side of this debate that is so incendiary it will make you forget about bedbugs and J-Woww’s nude photo scandal. So here goes:
LBL has an ongoing disagreement with her friend Jean. She insists that all men over age 50 want to date 30 year olds. Jean is in her 60s and she says that for her to find a man who would date her, he would have to be in his 80s. Her evidence is what men say they want on sites like Match.com. LBL respectfully disagrees. Or rather, she snorts until things come out of her nose. But, since things have a habit of coming out of her nose anyway, Jean doesn’t take it as a comment on her opinion.
Here’s what LBL thinks about the Match.com thing: When LBL sees a man list an age parameter for a potential partner, she puts this in the same category as all the other things people write about themselves and what they want. This is called, “I am sitting at home/in the office in front of my computer. I am having an out-of-body experience triggered by questions on the screen like “Indicate Your Perfect Match: Body Type, Age, Monetary and Real Estate Holdings, Sexual Flexibility Awards, etc. The Little Match.com Genie that lives in the computer will grant you your every wish. All you have to do is click away. Then the emails will come pouring in.” Why wouldn’t any sane person go for broke?
Whenever LBL saw a profile of a man her age who expressed an interest in much younger women, she always contacted him. She wrote the following: “Your profile caught my eye. You look like a very special person. I’m older than your age parameters, but I wanted to write to wish you the best of luck in finding your match.” In 100% of all cases (maybe more), LBL got the following reply, “Wait! Hold on just a second! That age thing was just something I tossed off without thinking! It doesn’t mean anything! Let’s meet!”
A friend and LBL started and ran a speed dating company for several years. LBL will tell you what she learned from that experience: Older men love the idea of younger women. This is the same as LBL loving the idea of a string bikini. LBL can certainly buy it, and she can certainly wear it. But at some level, she sort of knows that that kind of swimsuit and her should have parted ways at least 10 20 25 years ago. LBL can look in the mirror and tell herself it’s a good fit, but if she were Snow White and the Wicked Witch lived in her mirror, she would laugh herself into a coma.
When LBL’s friend and her advertised events for people 50 and over, most men weren’t interested because they said the women were “too sedentary, too set in their ways, too whatever.” What they were really saying was that they wanted some mythical hot young chick. So they cajoled, they gave incentives, they outright lied. And they got the men to sign up.
And here is what happened: When those same men were confronted with women in their age range, they responded. With gusto. They had more matches in the older age groups than in the younger. LBL got to observe all of those interactions. And what she saw was real men being attracted to real women.
LBL also thinks her cross-section of friends is a pretty good indication, as well. Some of them were divorced and then remarried after age 45. In one case, a friend married a man 14 years younger than she. In all the other cases, they married men in their own age group. When these women were dating, they dated men in their own age group. Now Husband is less than two years younger than LBL. Her ex married a woman five years younger than him. Anything five years or less is the same age, as far as LBL is concerned.
LBL is finished. She awaits your comments, opinions, rants, personal experiences, referrals to good therapists. She’s tough. She can take it. And beside, you don’t know where she lives.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
duke1959
January 7, 2011
If I was dating there is no way would I want to date someone in their 30’s.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 7, 2011
Exactly as I suspected.
denise
November 28, 2013
you made me laugh but also made me sad you see younger men find me attractive you know the mommy thing so tired of not being myself still hope for us
carldagostino
January 7, 2011
I am 61. A foxy 30 something is a dream I think. A prize to show off hand in hand at the mall or at the Chamber of Commerce luncheon. I THINK I WANT THAT. But in reality she is no prize at at. She has the aftershock of divorce and ex and children problems. She doesn’t know about Vietnam and how we hid under our desks at school to survive an atomic bomb(yeah,right) and how frightened every one here in Miami was during the Cuban Missile Crisis and what she watches on TV sucks and that nonsense she thinks is music sucks too. She doesn’t read books. Fortunately she has a job but when she wants to hit the night spots I’m ready for bed. I hate her. Why did I do this? God, I’m so unhappy. And I certainly can’t keep up with her in bed which disappoints us both. An older woman is past all that and contemporaries have things in common. So , yeah, 5 years younger is just swell. And I may not be able to stand her kids but who can refrain from loving anyone’s grandchildren?
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
That’s a pretty comprehensive run through of all considerations. Something I didn’t mention in the post is that my daughter and her friends are all 34. They are smart, savvy, caring women. They read books, and they do have a decent grasp of history. But none of them have ever dated men older then them. They feel like you do. They want to be with people who have experienced the same things they have. BTW, we used to go down into the basement of our school and sit on the hallway concrete floor, hunched over, with our hands over our heads. Amusing to think of that now.
benzeknees
January 20, 2012
You might want to read my blog “A Child’s View of the Cold War” to see how we handled bomb raids, sounds remarkably similar.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 20, 2012
Welcome to Life in the Boomer Lane, Lynda. I’ll check it out!
amanda
November 29, 2011
I have to caveat this response with the fact I am happily married to a man ten years older than myself.
I think what you are suggesting, is that you are not interested in an uneducated woman of social history (and I use the word: ‘history’ with some glee:) ). I cannot bare woman who want to “hit night spots”, anymore now than I did when I hit the grand old age of 21!
Older (educated) men to me, are so much sexier than their younger counterparts. They make me feel young by the way they look at me! (I am in my thirties, and enjoy a quick pervy stare from the older man!) Looking at things from a psycological nature, there is something quite gratifying and perverse to be wanted by a man old enough to be your father. It is a sexual turn on/revulsion in ones mind (there have been studies that the revulsion/arousal triggers in a females brain are closely associated).
So there you go. We want you as we are repulsed by you.:)
lifeintheboomerlane
November 29, 2011
Any healthy relationship has to be based on mutual respect. The years that separate people are less important than the values that join them together. That said, in most cases, people are more able to achieve that in relationships that are age compatible. But I know of several in which people are a lot more than 10 years apart, and the relationships work. It’s all about shared values.
daeja
March 5, 2013
i love this response.
writerwoman61
January 8, 2011
Jim is a year younger than I am…I have no interest in being with anyone more than 5 years older or younger than I am…what would we have in common? When I was 16 (young and stupid), I dated, and briefly lived with a 24-year-old man – he delighted in lording his “experience” over me – he was an ASS – thank God I didn’t marry him!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
Eight years is such a big difference at that age. I’m always suspicious about that. Thank goodness you didn’t marry him.
s
January 8, 2011
I have notice that on regular chats, it is the age factor, at least it appears that way. Now, you’re probably saying, “Yeah, chats are another thing entirely.” But I’ve added my “name” to match.com a few times over the years, fictitiously, with some truth thrown in. I have to disagree that what I received responses were washed up men who couldn’t get it up if they had stilts and chinese chopsticks, and that’s 90% of them.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
Thanks for reading. I never had experience with the chats. But I do think the whole online thing can be an invitation for some people to stretch the truth. That said, I met Now Husband Dan on Match.com, so I know it can work out well.
Tori Nelson
January 8, 2011
I love the string bikini analogy. Feels wrong from the very beginning!
I try not to pay attention to age at all. My fiance is 16 years older than I am, but before meeting me, he had only had relationships with women his age or older. I’m definitely not what you’d call a “hot young chick”, so I accept that my old-soul mentality (coupled with his occasional channelling of a 12-year-old boy) helps bridge the gap 🙂
Super interesting post!
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
Thanks, Tori. I love that “old soul mentality coupled with occasional channeling of a 12 year old.” Sounds like a good match to me.
Carmen
January 8, 2011
I am not dating younger guys, most of the time they are inmature. and I am not really fond of having my butt ending in jail.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
Funny. And thanks for reading. There were a couple guys way younger than me who were interested in me. For me, it diminished the whole sexual attraction thing. I felt like they were friends of my son.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
Thanks, Tori. I love that “old soul mentality coupled with occasional chanelling of a 12 year old.” Sounds like a good match to me.
duke1959
January 8, 2011
Lets say this magical women is 30. That means she was born in 1980. Then lets take from 1960-1980. Just think of all the national and world events that she would have only heard about. This woman will have grown up with a media that is so different than the one prior to Watergate. Or those famed duck and cover drills in school.
rika9
March 3, 2013
I was born in 1984.. we didn’t fear atomic bombs, but we did hide under our desks in earth quake drills to prepare for the inevitable destruction of the world by the New Madrid Fault. 🙂
Amiable Amiable
January 8, 2011
Well, my husband is 10 years older, though I wouldn’t have guessed it when we met 25 years ago. He definitely wasn’t on the prowl for a young babe. Neither of us have ever given any consideration to the age difference. But now, I’m a week shy of 50 and he’ll be 60 in March and I’m having nightmares about him coming after me with a walker! Any guy who’s got a woman 10+ years younger is damn lucky! And, of course, I remind my husband about his good fortune all the time. 😉
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
As well you should.
izziedarling
January 8, 2011
Hmmm, much to munch on, Boomer. I don’t agree with your friend. I don’t think any man over 50 would mind if a woman around his age bracket looked younger (naturally, not plastic) but there is little in common re: 20 year age difference. I will say, the men who desire the hot, young chicks are not men at all, they would still be boys. Which no woman of a certain age wants any part of. Unless she has amnesia or a psychiatric illness. Just sayin’ …iz
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
I agree. I know couples who have big age gaps (both ways) that I do understand. But I think they are outside the norm. And in no case was the older person specifically looking for someone younger.
duke1959
January 8, 2011
My wife is almost 10 years older than me. Therefore her parents were older than mine. One of the issues that came up was losing her parents first. I still have my mother. Its those kinds of issues that the age difference matters. Otherwise who cares. We meet through a Christian singles paper almost 15 years ago. Her first respone to me was that I was too young for her. The other reality for me is that we never know which one will go first but based on age alone I could very well end up by myself.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
You could end up alone, but men’s life expectancy is shorter than women, so chances are not. We never know what life will bring. We can only walk through it with arms open to accept what comes.
Fragrant Liar
January 8, 2011
My experience with my single older male friends is that many of them want much younger trophies on their arm, although they deny the trophy factor, yet what else do they have in common? There’s a lot of self-deception going on, I can tell.
My 51 y.o. bro-in-law (my sis died two years ago) has set his parameters for 20-28-y.o. women in other countries, as have his friends. We’re talking Russia, Costa Rica, etc. Non-American women, which says so much about them and their view of women in their age bracket. I keep asking him why he would do that, since he’s gone through so many of them who are clearly looking primarily for his ability to be a sugar daddy.
I find the same thing online though. My experience on eHarmony and Match.com and other sites is that these men prefer younger women, and I feel like I can’t compete on a physical level with that, so it’s really discouraging. So it’s hard to find guys my age who want me (at 55), because they think any woman my age is boring and sedentary; and to be honest, I think that same thing of many guys my age and older (my experience bears that out, having kissed many frogs).
I was married to a man (an old soul) who was sixteen years younger than me. We were together ten years, and we didn’t break up because of anything to do with age. Still, I’d love to find a man my age who’s vibrant and fun yet stable, and not intent on having that young girl with the perfect body. But where the hell is he?
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
I think this gets back to men wanting younger women in theory. Reality is so different, and that’s why online dating can work against older women. On paper, they don’t fit the parameters. In person, it’s a different story. My Now Husband Dan is a great guy. All of my friends who have remarried after age 50 have found great guys as well. They are out there. I met Dan on Match.com, and a couple friends did meet their guys online. Others met at singles events, face-to-face. However you do it, I think the first step is to love your life, with or without a man in it. It took me years to realize that, and for me, it changed everything when I did.
Lenka
December 7, 2013
For me this is a relatively easy qiusteon, but has a pretty complex answer. The specialty I have actually looked forward to working with is OB/GYN. I find that the ability of a woman’s body to produce a child, endure the amount of abuse it takes during a pregnancy, and the amount of pain endured during delivery is amazing. The joy of being able to be present as life enters the world is truly one of the greatest moments in life. To me that would be the best possible option. I also would love working in the operating room with a surgeon. I have experienced the OR quite a few times, and have been on both sides of the table. I have to say I would love to work with any surgeon in the OR except for Orthopedics. The reason behind that is the surgery’s are pretty brutal when it comes to the skeletal system. Having been in the OR with an Orthopedic surgeon and seeing the use of the saws, hammers and other heavy equipment in order to perform the surgery just sends chills up my spine. I know that type of surgery is not for me. I think my favorite surgeries have to be that of the abdominal cavity. The specialties that I would least like to work for are few, and for simple reasons. Pediatrics is not a specialty for me since I have four children of my own. My Aunt is a neonatal nurse practitioner and I followed her in high school and saw the good, the bad, and the ugly so I can honestly say I could not emotionally handle that type of position. Podiatry is also an area I could not see myself working. The reason behind this is pretty silly, but here goes, I very much dislike other peoples feet especially if they are not well kept. I know in the medical field you will encounter feet on a daily basis, but I could not mainly work with feet on an everyday basis. My last specialty is Orthopedics for the reasons I noted above about the barbaric nature of the surgeries and treatments for the musculoskeletal system. Its just not for me.
Anonymous
September 8, 2012
I have the same experience as you with online dating, and I am older at 64. I don’t meet single “older” men, otherwise. Because I am younger looking, friends tell me I should lie about my age. Why? I was married only once, long term. My dating experience is minimal. I too know some who prefer the younger, sexier women from Ukraine. Really!!!! I can’t compete with bodies 30 years younger. So what does that mean for us? No more physical relationships … or any other kind?
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 11, 2012
My experience is that although some older men are looking for younger women, most aren’t. I and my friends my age are all in age-compatible relationships. I don’t think lying about your age gets you anywhere. Why start out with inauthenticity? I have a lot to give in a relationship, that women 30 years are still learning about. Maybe their bodies are firmer, but I think independence and a strong self image is sexier.
Elly Lou
January 8, 2011
You find the best graphics!
Also I suck. I married an older man. For his…um…shit. Why did I marry an older man again? Oh yes, I like to pretend that because he’s older, he’s almost as mature as I am. Which is, you know, not at all. [insert fart joke here]
lifeintheboomerlane
January 8, 2011
Re the graphics: I pray on it, and then God leads me to find the perfect graphic. Except lately, he keeps directing me to boobs and S-M stuff. We gotta talk about that. I don’t know all the deep, psychological, angst-ridden reasons why you chose your spouse. For a lot of cash, I can give you my answer. Of course, I will pray on it first, so you already know what kind of answer you will get.
duke1959
January 8, 2011
The thought of dating again would freak me out. The other thing is I would want a woman who knows what a heating pad is and the importantance of having several of them!
Allison
January 9, 2011
Let’s hope Hugh Hefner is the exception.
I can’t speak from a man’s point of view, but from my point of view I want somebody close to me in age. I want the person I’m with to remember watching the Challenger blow up from a grade school classroom. I want the person I’m with to remember being scared as a child of the Cold War. I want that shared understanding. I want to be going through the same generational issues at the same time. I want to roll my eyes at twenty-somethings together, and smile at each other when our grandparents reminisce about the WPA and CCC.
But that’s just me. My best friend is married to a man who is older than her father. And that’s what she likes.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 9, 2011
I think your says it all, including the last part. For most people, shared experiences and frames of reference are necessary to establish a compatibility level. But for a small percentage of people, other things outweigh that. Re Hugh Hefner: I think the man is his own category.
Kathryn McCullough
January 9, 2011
This post fascinates me! Your idea was brilliant and your discoveries something that needs to be shared more broadly. I”m partnered with a woman who is 2 years older than me, so I really can’t speak from experience on this one, but suggest you write more about this. For what it’s worth, my sister is dating a man more than 10 years younger than her————-
Happy in Haiti,
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
January 9, 2011
Wow, thanks Kathy. Between running the speed dating company and being thrown into the singles world after my divorce, I was certainly able to observe a lot. Maybe I’ll think about writing something on why people do choose who they choose. I asked friends who married a million years ago and then divorced why they married the person they did. Most of the answers were loony. I thought, if that was the best you could come up with, could you not see that you ran a 100% chance of getting divorced? One close friend divorced her husband, then went into two long-term relationships with women because “women would be diffferent.” She discovered (of course) that people are people and relationships are relationships and issues are issues. OK, I’ve gone off on a tangent. The end.
deliriouslydivine
January 9, 2011
Hi,
As one who’s dating a lot! And who has a fear of being sexy only to 70+year olds I can relate to this one. I don’t want to date a really older man, 15+years plus, because he won’t be around longer.. but, what I look for is the man who suits my personality and compatibility needs and the age might vary. Though a man who’s significantly younger or older isn’t going to share enough similarities or likes in many areas.
The guys I’ve seen who’re looking for Youth are trying to enhance themselves-in the wrong way… I think. So many of them do indicate a preference that dips too low. Only today I saw a 55+ year old guy who was looking for women as young as 25! Geez…..
lifeintheboomerlane
January 10, 2011
I sometimes wonder how serious these men are about the “I’ll take a woman as young as 25” thing. It’s like me saying I’ll take a man who makes from $50,000 to 20 million dollars a year. And if they are serious, yes, they are looking for youth and don’t know that having a much younger partner can backfire and make them feel even older. Or they have the need to control. I think about myself at 25 and what would have induced me to date a 55 year old. He’d have to be Paul Newman. Maybe.
deliriouslydivine
January 10, 2011
I’d have done him!
Jack
January 10, 2011
I am going to be 42 so if I were in the dating world I could see going about ten or 12 years younger but no further. While it is fun to look at some of these ‘younger’ women I want someone that I can talk to.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 10, 2011
Thanks for reading, Jack. I think most people agree on this. It has nothing to do with intelligence. A woman in her 20s is just as intelligent as a woman closer to your age. But her frames of reference are very different.
reelingintheyears.wordpress.com
January 10, 2011
I think the young babes are sometimes searching for money or a father figure or both. I don’t think it occurs to them they will end up in a retirement village at the ripe olde age of sixty.
Am loving the whole cougar thing that seems more prevalent nowadays.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 10, 2011
Yes, I agree about the younger women. I’ve always said that, for some women, men carry their sex appeal around in their wallets. The cougar thing is interesting, but it’s definitely not for me. And interestingly, my friends who are with guys much younger are most definitely NOT cougar-types.
merrilymarylee
January 11, 2011
You ran a speed dating service? I’m fascinated!
Our divorced, retired neighbor across the street dates women near his own age, while his friends troll for younger women. They refer to his dates as “going antiquing” that night. Don’t they sound like the kind of guys every parent wants his daughter to find!?!?!?!
lifeintheboomerlane
January 11, 2011
A friend and I started a company called Brief Encounters back in 1999. It was only when we sold it that we found out that we were the first non-denomenational speed dating company in the US. The original was started for young Jewish singles. Re those “men” and their comments: Methinks they can troll all they want to. I’m guessing their results are non-existant. UGH.
Thomas
January 11, 2011
The guys going for much younger women are either himbos or have their own issues to deal with. I’m at the half-century mark and I couldn’t date someone younger because I don’t even know who J-Woww is. Oh, and because I’m already married; to someone who is older than me. So there.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 11, 2011
I love your coment, especially the last part. Interesting that when I posted this, I expected people to argue with me. But everyone seems to be in agreement about this. Just goes to show the intellectual surperiority of bloggers, right?
Hippie Cahier
January 12, 2011
A few months ago a male friend who is exactly my age described his experience getting back into the dating game. It seems he wants to date someone our age (not quite 50) but all of the eligible women he’d met were (I’ll just say Undesirable A, Undesirable B, Undesirable C), all of which are common life situations for women our age.
This reminded me of a similar conversation with someone else from a few years ago who told me, on finding people to date at our age, “the odds are good, but the goods are odd.”
I’ve been thinking this over lately and it seems to me to be a shopping list mentality. In a lightning-paced society that has sixteen varieties of Cheerios, maybe it’s an unintended effort at efficiency to narrow the field by the “candidates'” likely life situations.
I don’t know. I’m just blathering.
As someone who will not see 30 again, it’s nice to know that your experiences prove otherwise. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
January 12, 2011
Re your friend: I get how tough it can be to be older and then suddenly thrown back into dating. The world of dating is 180 degrees different now than it was 25 or 30 or however many years ago. It took me awhile (like years) to get my head screwed on straight about it. As soon as I changed my attitude, the universe happily complied.
duke1959
January 13, 2011
Ome of the funniest talks I ever had was with my mother after her and dad divorced. She asked for dating tips.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 13, 2011
That would be funny! Now that I’m at an advanced age, I see that the need for companionship is always the same. We are social animals and we love to love and be loved. And we crave closeness and affection.
subWOW
January 13, 2011
THIS is really good to know.
lifeintheboomerlane
January 13, 2011
Thanks. Yeah. There’s just too much poo poo out there about men wanting younger women. I get why it’s said, but it’s not the mainstream.
fairchild
August 27, 2011
A few years ago I was dating guy 42 and I’m 46. We had great time both fresh out of 20 yr marriages. I am attractive and actually look younger than most think I’m in my late 30s He told me he wasnt ready for relationship. We went our separate ways. No hard feeling but then 6 months later he’s married to 23,year old and she’ expecting… And shes bipolar. I did the math. Pregnancy before marriaage. I found a wonderful man 4 years younger. He says he loves my energy and youthfulness. Now he’s chasing after 1 1/2 yr old and trying to keep his 25 year old on her meds.
What’s ironic… Stock market busted so he’s broke and actually appears to have aged greatly in only 2 years.
lifeintheboomerlane
August 28, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. One thing for sure; The longer we live, the more stories we have.
Yvonne Willis Crook
September 23, 2011
OK, i have dated younger, but not by more than 10 years, and then not for very long. I have dated much older (over 20 years). That was much better as a 20 something than it was as a 40 something. At 40, dating someone that much older had me considering wheel chairs and nursing homes. I stopped after a few years. He was not in the best of health, and I was in my prime (I didn’t realize prime was soon ending!).
I have a dear friend who married a young woman 33 years his junior. I still joke with him that she thinks The Beatles are bugs in the yard. Personally, I am with you, Carl, I remember the bomb drills at school and Kennedy being shot and then Martin Luther King, Jr, and then John’s brother Robert, and those events were current events for me. I prefer someone who has those shared experiences to dating someone who hasn’t even experienced LIFE yet.
These grey hairs have been hard earned. Power to those who actually like dating younger. It is a whole different experience.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2011
Thanks for your comments, Yvonne. The whole younger/older thing will always be debated. I say find someone compatible. For me, and for most of the people I know, that means someone with the same frame of reference, defining life experiences, and common “come from.”
Door
November 29, 2011
Hello everyone, I am a 23 year old female in a relationship with an older man in his late 40s, I am looking for some advice. We have been dating for alittle over and we are living together as well. There is a big concern in this relationship. We started off the relationship on a sexual encounter, neither of us were looking to start a relationship until I had developed feelings for him. Very early on he sat me down and told me that the type of girl I was was not what he was looking for. I have had a dozen partners before him and it concerns him. But in all, we entered a relationship. As months go on, each day he argues with me over things I have done and continues to stay in the relationship with me but does not fail to let me know more often then not that I disgust him. He tells me all the time that the only thing he would change about me is my past. I have fallen Inlove with him and I have since changed my ways, I have stopped drinking alcohol and partying, I have stopped communicating with certain friends who were bad for me and have been completely committed to him and his home. He still is arguing with me and arguments have turned into physical fights between the two of us. It is not easy to leave him because I have hope that one day he will drop the argument and in time see that I was lost and had not found respect myself and see I am no longer excersising pour judgement. I would really like some advice or someone who has gone or is going through the same thing to help me.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 29, 2011
It is wonderful that because of your relationship with this man, you have given up negative behavior, and have matured and grown. I applaud you for that. However, there is no justification for either physical or mental abuse in a relationship. Healthy relationships should empower us, support us, and inspire us to be better people. They should be a positive influence in our lives. My suggestion would be for you to talk about this to a clergy, family member, employer, or another person you respect.
William
December 9, 2011
Door,
You have two choices.
1. Stay in your miserable relationship and accept it for what is and stop complaining, period.
2. Sit him down, tell him there will be no arguing about what your going to say and then tell him he either has to accept your past as you have accepted his or your leaving, period!
There are no other options!
My opinion is he wants you to leave based on your stated actions so leave then your free, if he wants you back then he’ll come around if he doiesn’t then you’ve found the truth of your life and that although will be painfiul for a period of time you’ll also learn and grow from the experience and will eventually find someone new.
This may not be what you want to hear but it is the truth… hope you find the strength to make a smart decision…
William
December 9, 2011
I’m 57 and have come to accept my age and reality of growing older. I actually enjoy a woman closer my age so we can talk of 60’s music, slide rulers in lieu of computers, life without electronics as is the norm of today and so on. I am comfortable in my skin and successful and hide my wealth well. However, for whatever reasons I attract younger women the typicaI statement… your the classic older George Clooney type, hansome and sexy and is very appealing to younger women. So I give them a shot and find the maturity level isn’t there even though “they” think their quite worldly, but they just don’t have a clue! I sum this up to wisdom comes to those who are open to finding wisdom and are wise because one observes and challanges oneself in life. And one important fact is wisdom only comes later in life period. I continue to see younger women as it gives me more wisdom to who I am and the power to overcome the desire of a fleeting memory called our youth. To sum it up I like this quote” And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
William
December 9, 2011
I did not clarify the ages that I have dated of late… none younger than 35 and even that age is uncomfortable for me! I find 40 to be the absolute… minimum.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
Thanks for vitsiting Life in the Boomer Lane and for all your comments. I think that ultimately, healthy relationships are those between two people who have shared values, each committed to giving 100% to the relationship. Age compatibility, like any other area of compatibility is a factor, but it’s not the ultimate factor.
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
January 14, 2012
Why would any man want to experience a wife going through menopause again?
Ronnie
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 14, 2012
Ooh, outstanding point.
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
January 14, 2012
‘Just a pragmatist, I guess!
Ronnie
ms.young
February 16, 2012
I would say whether young or old the dating game is only beneficial to the partners who make the relationship work. Young men can be immature and not ready for commitment and older men tend to be willing to settle down and ready for marriage some time. Love and trust one another and always keep a open communication that listening ear will go a long way for sure. Be honest and look forward to lasting relationship at the time I’m dating a man 52 and I’m only 37 and is loving every minute of it not for material things but for true love and is not looking back.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 16, 2012
Well said. Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane.
Robin Thomas
February 18, 2012
I totally disagree with most of you. I’m an older guy and I have no interest in older women.
I’m sorry, but I do not find older women attractive. And I don’t feel that I have to defend my preferences in any way shape or form. I do not care what anybody thinks, and I will do as I please. Guys like me cause fear and loathing in older women, even to the point where an older woman will call a guy a “pedophile” if he dates a 25 year old woman. I don’t see that it’s anybody’s business one way or the other. Life is short, and it’s best to mind your own business when it’s worth minding. Also, I’ve noticed a double standard in that it’s cool to be a cougar and socially acceptable, while the guy who dates younger is supposed to feel “shame.” I don’t know where or how people come up with these philosophies, and I do not believe that people in other countries worry about such trivialities.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 18, 2012
Hi Robin. Rest assured, you don’t have to defend anything, at least with me. I regret that you have had such negative experiences. My post was never intended to dictate people’s choices in partners. Rather, it is simply my observation of the people I know. And those people are overwhelmingly all age-compatible.
Anonymous
February 24, 2012
Boy, you people really know how to stereotype……I’m a 56 year old male dating a 40 year old and we are totally in love ……the sex is awesome and so are our lives and times together…….there’s a level of maturity …….and I think I’m the luckiest man on the planet to be with this woman and she feels the same about me …….most of you think way to much about the negative and not the positive…plus you’re all jealous because you don’t have this …and what happens when I’m using a walker ,,well we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it…..so far so good ………I’m real healthy …..so is she…..if something were to happen to her I’d be with her all the way ……….anyone who tries to make a mockery of this letter will only be doing so because they don’t have it………..many many actors have wonderful relationships with much younger ladies…….it’s the same for me on this level……
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 25, 2012
I’ve just skimmed my post again, as well as scrolled through a lot of the comments. There was nothing my my post or in most of the comments that cast a negative light on relationships that spanned many years. My post merely said that, in spite of sterotypes, most of the people I know are in age-compatible relationships. There was no judgement implied. And a lot of the people who commented said their relationships spanned many years but that they were compatible. Take a look again. No one is stereotyping anyone. If you have a loving, satisfying relationship with a woman, she can be 16 years younger than you or 16 years older than you. It has nothing to do with age. It simply means you are compatible.
Anonymous
May 20, 2012
I like your post, well said. I am dating an older guy as well, he’s over 30years older than I am. I love him dearly. He is 64 in July and he is very healthy and sex is amazing for us. I dont worry about when he’s using a walker either, I agree when he and I get to that bridge we’ll handle it. He likes to say step by step hun..so we plan on going forward one step at a time. I’ve never loved a soul as much as I do him and I wouldnt change a thing about him. He’s my soul mate, an amazing and wonderful man. So im happy for you are your woman, reminds me of what we share ( My hubby and I)
Anonymous
June 1, 2012
I always am amused by the comments about older men and younger woman from people who for the most part have no idea what they are talking about. Particularly Americans who are inculcated into thinking that there is something wrong with this arrangement. I am a 66 year old American living in Panama. My wife is 24. We have been together since she was 21 years old. She is beautiful, slim, sexy and men of all ages everywhere desire here. She has model looks. I like that but that is not the only thing that attracts me to her. She is sweet, fun, loves me regardless of my age, lack of hair or weight. I know what you are thinking – she loves me for my wallet. Wrong again. I have been living on $875 a month social security. It is only recently that I have made good money. Cultural values are different in various countries. Panama men are horrible. They are unfaithful to their woman, they beat them, they are macho, they are drunks and robbers. Plus for some reason most of them are just plain ugly. They look like little monkey men. And the women are for the most part beautiful. Both coming from the same mother – it is a mystery. But I regress. They woman like older Gringos or Europeans because they (1) Older men know how to be unselfish in bed and think about their woman’s sexual needs before their own. Panama men – only think of themselves. (2) Older men are more mature and do not fly off the handle in anger. (3) Older men can teach these young women many things about life. We have a very loving and satisfying relationship in spite of the fact that I am 43 years older than her.
Anonymous
July 30, 2012
I do not understand why, but I only like young women, I was in love with a gril 20 years younger than me, and it was very strong feeling, It did not work out, but I prefer to be by myself, than to be with someone I don’t feel attracted to, we are not all the same, that is just the way I am
Anonymous
September 7, 2012
I am happy you had the experience: ” In 100% of all cases (maybe more), I got the following reply, “Wait! Hold on just a second! That age thing was just something I tossed off without thinking! It doesn’t mean anything! Let’s meet!”. But in my case that is not what happens. 90+% of the time, I receive no response. My biggest contacts come from scammers – yes, I have actually been asked for money. I have been told my “age is an obstacle”, from someone 3 years older than me. I had someone block me (Yes! block me) because I didn’t honor his age limit. Phew!!! I joined several sights over the last 1.5 yrs and the reaction has been the same. A therapist told me me don’t get excited about an older body – regardless how active or “alive” I am. A friend told me, “Welcome to the Viagra age.” Most contacts I have had were with men with at least 2 divorces behind them, and they have young children because they went for the younger woman – and still do. (Ex: 70 yr old w 2 sons, 17 and 15; 63 yr old with a second set of children 5 and 8). It’s reality, not a myth.
Anonymous
September 7, 2012
I am an active, vibrant 62 yr old. I have not had your experience: “In 100% of all cases (maybe more), I got the following reply, “Wait! Hold on just a second! That age thing was just something I tossed off without thinking! It doesn’t mean anything! Let’s meet!”. I joined several online websites because I just don’t meet single men. I posted current pictures – because I am comfortable with me. The typical response 90+% of the time –
is – no response. I’ve been told by a man 3 yrs my senior that my “age is an obstacle.” The most contact I get is from scammers – yes, I’ve been asked for money. When I do meet the rare man, he’s usually divorced at least twice and has young children (e.g. 70 yr old with 2 sons, 17 and 15; 63 yr old with 5 and 8 yrs old). Or, wants to know what he can “do for me”, or mechanically shoves a tongue down my throat. Someone I did love left, and has gone back (second time) to Ukraine/Russian mail order brides – sexy and young. We’ll see if his 4th marriage is a charm. Shocked at the dating process after a long term marriage I sought counsel from a therapist. Her advice was find a 70+ year old man – those my age don’t get physically excited by an older woman. They want women 10-15 yrs younger. So it is not a myth,
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 11, 2012
I certainly believe all of your experiences. I can only say that I met a lot of men, and I never had a negative experience. I think that when wny of us has repeat negative experiences about anything (relationship, job, finances, etc), maybe it’s time to step bac and take a hard look at what we are putting out there. I think we all “create” whatever comes to us in life.
TomboyTam
October 23, 2012
Well said!
Agku
December 7, 2013
I did. The grandchildren came to visit, and so did some of my frnides, and my offspring sent me a $50 gift certificate for Amazon. So I was well taken care of. Should I admit that I spent the gift certificate finishing my collection of Buffy and buying one season of Angel? I never watch TV shows while they are on; I wait till they are off and somebody insists on showing me the DVDs of one season, and then I decide whether I want to buy the whole thing. That way I don’t get caught up in such a way that I get hysterical if I don’t get home in time to see my TV show, as a certain man who lives not very far away from me like ten feet used to do until I promised I would buy him all the seasons of The Closer! He now has them.Anne
Stephen Crouse
September 28, 2012
I’m 48 and desire a wife. My reason for desiring a particular 21 year old is that she can easily bear children and the considerable joy that I have being around her. Though there is some maturity lag, it is not the entire 27 years because women mature faster than men. The bigger issue is whether or not a girl was trained right, and set to complement men as God designed them to. Another thing is that if I were to live to say 83, my wife would still only be 57 and could then marry another man in that age group. Finally, though it is a concern, her Dad and I would be peers.
TomboyTam
October 23, 2012
Reblogged this on The Adventures of Tomboy Tam and commented:
I wish I had kept a journal for the year I used Match.com. It would make highly entertaining reading! Thanks for the chuckles and memories this post triggered!
TomboyTam
October 23, 2012
Based on the number of comments on this post, you clearly hit a hot button, Boomer! I tried to reblog this on my blog, but messed something up and it won’t let me do it again. After reading many of the comments, I agree with you that shared values are more important than age, along with interests and fitness/activity levels. I believe that all three are likelier to be compatible when partners are closer in age. There seems to be a disproportionate number of men on Match who are dreaming about much younger women. I think in the “real” world, most men (at least the ones I would have considered dating) are more interested in a real, versus fantasy, relationship with a woman. Not that it’s impossible with a large age spread, just not as likely, in my opinion. And when I was still in dating mode (versus my current relationship mode) I learned pretty quickly which venues drew the 40-60 year old men scanning the room for 25-35 year old women and vice versa, and simply wrote those places off my list of fun places to hang out.
Sandy Sue
March 6, 2013
I think I just took my first deep breath in 11 years (since my divorce). I don’t care if what you wrote is true, it makes me feel better!
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 6, 2013
Wow. Ooh, I wish we were sitting across from each other now, drinking coffee or eating lunch. The things we could talk about… It took me many years to get my life back on track (and my situation was completely different), and now it really is better than ever. It will happen.
lostnchina
April 25, 2013
I’m a little slow getting on the comment wagon. I also believe that most older men like the IDEA of a far younger gal, but we’ve all heard those (fictitious) stories of the men dying in bed, etc., etc. As an experiment, for purposes I won’t go into (a cagey future post), I posted a fake ad on an online dating dating site of an older male friend (70 years – but I used the picture of another 55-year old male friend). So far, he’s/they’ve been flooded with responses from women their age but also far younger (30s). Guess it goes both ways. Excellent post, got me thinking!
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 28, 2013
Wow, this topic is endlessly fascinating, is it not? I heartily agree that many men like the IDEA of a younger woman. And it does amaze me how many younger women are attracted to much older men. I’ll leave the obvious jokes aside, here.
Erica
June 26, 2013
People can dream about some young, sexy, hot, young thing that wants to hang on their older man arms, but that’s probably not what they are going to get. Instead, they will get someone like me: someone who was bullied as a youngster by her peers, never learned how to fit in with people her own age, a nerd who never had a clue how to look hot or attractive, and was passed over by enough men her own age that in her mid to late thirties, she became desperate enough to consider men who found her attractive when those in her own peer group did not.
Thus, I honestly did fall in love with a man 21 years my senior, and he fell in love with me, and thus we have had the joy of experiencing a truly intimate and loving relationship with one another – but would this have been my first choice? Honestly, no – I would have prefered someone my own age. But I could not compete in that market, and yet was valuable in another market – I had to be honest with myself that I needed to be open to experiencing love with someone older, because those were the only men that were interested in me – and it worked, but we do have all the stresses and strains of being from two different worlds in many ways. We also find ways for it to work. It’s life. And it’s the rubber-meets-the-road reality of dating and mating.
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 26, 2013
Your comments are fascinating and of such great value. I think the point you make is so true: Men may have a fantasy of the “younger” woman but often, that younger woman is one who, for whatever reason, didn’t fit the profile for a same-age match. And you ultimately found compatibility where you wouldn’t have expected to find it. Bravo to you.
auntiedoni
August 1, 2014
Bahahaha!
Sara
September 21, 2014
I’m 47 and extremely fit. When I meet people in the “real” world they think I’m in my late 30s. But on Match.com ? Most guys my own age don’t even look. And the older men are so large and out of shape when I meet them…Better to try to meet some people another way or we will all stay single.
Life in the Boomer Lane
December 21, 2014
I’ve heard other women express the same opinion. But I still say, when people meet face-to-face, it’s different.
Anonymous
December 21, 2014
Your anecdotal evidence doesnt change genetics. Older men naturally prefer young women. What’s next, evidence that women really prefer unemployed men who like toget high all day on the couch?
Life in the Boomer Lane
December 21, 2014
I agree that older men naturally prefer younger women. The latest research bears that out, as well as finding that women, on the other hand, prefer men who are their age. So many of those older men can stay single, or revisit the idea of an age-compatible relationship.
Jeff
July 17, 2015
Might sound strange, but at 51 ,i would love to be with a woman I work for,and she is in her early 70s.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 17, 2015
Not strange at all, as long as you are attracted to her for reasons other than her age.
debramoolenaar
March 8, 2016
You’re definitely on to something! Thanks for a very interesting post!