Catching Up

Life in the Boomer Lane has just returned from a whirlwind tour of Morocco. For those of you who are shrieking “Morocco!?! isn’t that a Muslim country!? Oh my Capital-G-God, were you safe?! Look at what happened in israel!!! and lots of other assorted inane pronouncements, LBL is here to tell you the following:

1. Morocco is a stunning, safe, welcoming country, filled with great sights, great food, deep history, and people who are thrilled to host you.

2. For those of you who are still fearful of stepping outside the US (aside from maybe Canada and some Carribean island gated resort), know that, while LBL was in Morocco (a country in which guns are illegal to anyone except for those who submit an exhaustive background check in order to obtain gun permit for actual hunting purposes), there were no gun fatalities. During that same time, in the US of AAA, a gun massacre occured in Washington State, along with daily deaths and serious injuries, in any number of other states.

3. While LBL was accumulating a whole bunch of memories that will stay with her forever, the world was accumulating its own memory fodder. She will bring you up to date now.

Egyptian archaeologists recently located a lost 3,500-year-old cemetery containing mummies and statues—among other discoveries. A particularly exciting find was a Book of the Dead papyrus scroll measuring over 43 feet long—a rare surviving copy of the traditional burial item. The team behind the find was mum on the details of the textual discovery. Conspiracy theorists, never sticklers for actual information, hit the ground running. A lot of the theories they produced involved Hunter Biden doing anything at all, zombies activated by Emergency Alert System, and Melania Trump selling crystals on QVC. Moms for Liberty, an oprganization touting extreme right-wing values disguised as “I will protect my dear little innocent children at all cost, Motherfuckers” departmant, demanded that the scrolls be immediately banned, until they could examine whether they were safe for children’s eyeballs.

The House of Reps Branch of the MAGAT (Make American Great Again with Trump) movement finally, after a lot of false starts and pizza delivery, came up with a Speaker who Trump endorses, bringing even more hilarity to the the phrase “servant of the people.” Mike Johnson, a virtual unknown to anyone who actually exists, has hit the ground running with his deeply-held convictions amounting to Money good, No Money bad/US good, Everyplace Else not worth thinking about or giving money to. Johnson’s main qualification for Speaker has been his Svengali approach to the 2020 election, involving a litany of conspiracy theories attesting to the fraud and manipulation of the electoral system that resulted in the bad and wrong election of Biden, rather than Trump.

Fungi, for eons a Friend to Whateverkind in the form of penecillan, food, and food preparation, has now decided to threaten humans with a new and improved form of itself, namely Candida Agirus. Candida Agirus, in addition to sounding like the name of a prominent Roman politician, is a threat to our existance. Are we scared? You betcha. Trump, in a major speech at the Walmart in Rexburg, Idaho, has already declared the Fungus a Complete and Total Hoax, put forth by Democrats in an attempt to save people’s lives, instead of focusing on the actual issues of his innocence of anything he has ever been accused of and his never having participated in golden showers.

Lindsay Graham, he of the “Call me a disgrace, a nut job, and one of the dumbest human beings on the planet, and I will slavishly follow you forever,” asserted that fungi, and all rest of the problems of the world could have been easily solved. Gaza never would have invaded Israel, Russia never would have invaded Ukraine, Germany never would have terrorized the world, and noone would have ever accused him of being gay, had Trump been president. “They would have all been afraid of him,” Graham asserted. “Believe me, I know firsthand” he added. “He’s a scary dude, but it’s a God thing, right?”