Lauren Boerbert, Theater Critic

Lauren Boebert, duly-elected GOP CongressHumanoid from the 3rd District of Colorado, is no slouch when it comes to culture. Boebert attended Rifle High School (Life in the Boomer Lane is not making this up), but dropped out in 2024 when she became pregnant. Before her run for Congress, she prepared herself for public office by opening a gun-themed restaurant, named Shooter’s Grill. 

On the culture front, Boebert is a staunch spokesperson for fire arms being the height of what a civilization is capable of producing. When she isn’t waving assault weapons around in the air, she is hanging out with other gene pool-depleted people in Congress, specifically Marjorie Taylor Green and Matt Gaetz. She also spends time postulating on any number of political, moral and social issues of our time, culminating in a belief that all US problems can be solved by everyone owning guns and the elimination of science, education, and minorities.

A couple days ago, Boebert attended the musical version of the popular 1988 film “Beetlejuice.” LBL could think of no better person to write a review of the show, and Boebert graciously accepted. LBL will not keep Loyal Readers waiting another minute. Here goes:

I Saw the Beetlejuice Musical and Here’s What I Think

by LAUREN BOEBERT

You guys know how much I love American culture. We are talking here about REAL American USA culture, not that fake poop stuff that people call culture that really came from other places like Africa and elsewhere (not naming any names here). Real American USA culture is Cowboys and Indians, the Alamo, John Wayne, Americans killing Nazis and illegal immigrant gang members and criminals, and all the movies that show how we got rid of anyone who threatened the US of A. That’s what a real country is about, defending your turf, right?

But culture isn’t always about guns. It can also be about other stuff, like dance music and funny animal videos. They slay me. Also funny movies. I know about all that stuff too. So me and my Hot Date went to see the musical of “Beetlejuice.” I got dressed up for the ocassion. I know all about feminism and women’s rights. It means that even if I am a US Congresswoman, I have the right to wear tasteful short and tight and let my tits show. How’s that for women’s equality, you dumbass gay transvestites out there.

So, here’s what I think of the show: I think it could have been really great except for the fact that the audience was packed with RINOS and buddies of my ex-husband.

First off, some “pregnant” ho behind me starts asking me to stop vaping. The smoke is bothering her, she says. Oh, right. Sure. Poor, poor, Little-You-Know-Who-Got-Knocked-Up. I asked her who she voted for in 2016 and that shut her up real good. Then people start complaining about my cell flash going off, because I was taking pictures of all the funny shit going on on the stage. What the hell? It got worse when I was dancing in my seat and waving my arms. Finally, I maybe made out a little bit with my date (Beetlejuice got me hot). All the Biden Ass Suckups really got into it then, with the complaints.

So the last thing that happens is that three Commie Liberal Butt-Licking types with uniforms come over and tell me I have to leave the theater. They say there have been too many complaints about me. Right. Listen, I know Fake when I see it. I start yelling, “Do you know who I am???!!!” as they drag me out. One of them points to me, looks around, and says, “This lady doesn’t know who she is. Can anyone help her out?” And the people in the audience laugh, those tree-hugging turds who wouldn’t know an AR-15 from a donut.

First thing I do when I get back to work is get my staff to find out who all these Democracy Killers are and then, and, when Trump wins in ’24, we put them all in prison and burn the goddamn theater down. Or maybe we burn the theater down with them in it. (Hey, I’m kidding here. Honestly, my humor slays me.)

So all I can say is that the show was funny and great, at least what I saw of it before the Nazi-types kicked me out. Watch out, Motherfuckers, I’m coming to get you. And, unlike me, it won’t be pretty.

PS: I know you are wondering about my date. Well, he didn’t mind my behavior one little bit. Back at my place, we played my favorite game of “Lauren will Have Sex with Whatever has the Longest Barrel.” My date won. But, even if he hadn’t, it didn’t matter. I’d get the gun. It’s a win-win for me.