Civit Poop and Other Good News

Posted on March 6, 2023


Life in the Boomer Lane has been convinced for some time that SNL and Whatever-Those-People-Are-in-the-GOP, are in cahoots with each other. The WTPAGOP, with SNL’s help come up with whatever lunacy they come up with and then SNL makes fun of it on the show. They all profit from this by both amusing and horrifying Normal Folks who used to truly believe that the world was sort of sane and now found out that all the other planets are using our planet as the insane asylum for the entire galaxy.

LBL needed a break from all this. Surely, she thought, there must be some good news out there. It took a lot of digging, but she was able to extract some nuggets from the cesspool of news that is our world.

We shall begin with the Netherlands, home to one of the happiest and healthiest and tallest populations on earth. And, in addition, they are pretty plucky. Thanks to the Dutch, we have something that makes our lives worth living: Wi Fi, and something that makes us suicidal: Wi Fi not working. The Dutch created wi-fi, along with a whole host of other stuff that has been way more popular around the world than wooden shoes.

Something the Dutch care about are all those elderly folks who don’t have anyone to talk to and are tired of just yelling at little kids playing in the street. Jumbo, a Dutch supermarket chain, introduced “slow lanes” back in summer 2019 as part of a wider initiative called One Against Loneliness, launched by the Dutch government. According to Statistics Netherlands, 1.3 million people in the Netherlands are over 75, and 33% have reported feeling at least moderately lonely. The response was so positive to the first lanes like that created, that the company made plans to create 200 of these lanes across the country. Elders can chat their hearts out with the cashiers in such lanes. Plans are underway for lanes to be create for folks who want to “use up the spare change they have in their wallets” when paying for groceries.

Now on to New Zealand. The University of Auckland’s Waipapa Taumata Rau trial shows that administering a cancer treatment drug to healthy middle-aged mice (one year) for a prolonged period increases their lifespan by an average of ten percent. This is looking really good for humans who get excited about increasing old age, not so good for folks who would like the time to be added to adolescence, when they can consider making non-life-threatening choices in potential mates.

For the first time in history, the amount of money spent on green energy (1.1 trillion) was exactly the same as the amount of money spent on fossil fuels. This is huge, folks. Coincidently, this was also the exact amount of money the uber-rich spent on kopi luwak, the coffee that consists of partially digested coffee cherries, which have been eaten and then defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Really influential attorney-from-an-old-Southern-family Alex Murdaugh, was found guilty of the murder of his wife and son. The jury took just three hours to decide he was guilty. The judge gave him life, without the possibility of parole. There was no car chase or “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” He was just guilty. Period.

Another Murdoch (pronounced the same), Rupert, really influential conservative media mogul, keeps sinking deeper and deeper into the morass of shit he has been involved in over the 2020 presidential election. His empire, Fox News, was incredibly successful in creating a slew of humanoids who slavishly followed Fox and all of the nonsense it spewed. Unfortunately for Murdoch, the humanoids threatened to leave Fox unless the media company then continued to tell them exactly what they wanted to hear. So, the “news” company that was, at first, intended to attract these folks, then became a slave to them. The donkey is now leading Rupert right into the maw of the judicial system.

A couple weeks ago, archeologists finally came to a conclusion over the purpose of an oblong-shaped object that had been unearthed 30 years before. The object, formerly believed to be used for darning (yawn) is now believed to be a 6.3″ penis. Archeologists spent an inordinate amount of time examining the wooden phallus and having lots of discussions about how it could have been used. Films were shown to the group to highlight examples of different possibilities, some of which were unknown to the scientists . The scientists stayed late each night to make absolutely sure that they covered all bases in their considerations. While other possibilities were put forward (a phallic-shaped pestle or part of a statue). These options were quickly voted down. The artifact world can now take a deep breath, relax and have a cigarette over the good news.

The last item is good news for all those folks who are getting sick and tired of New York blah blah blah when it comes to food. Food and Wine Magazine touted the best 10 pizza places in the world. New York didn’t even make the list. It should also be noted that Philadelphia, LBL’s hometown, and a place that she fled at age 18, and generally overlooked on any list except soft pretzels, cheesesteaks and graffiti, came in at #6. Go, Philly.

Posted in: commentary