While I Was Gone

Posted on May 1, 2017


Life in the Boomer Lane has just returned from a whirlwind 12-day trip to the Pacific Northwest, first to Seattle and then to Portland.  On her return, she was quite surprised to learn that, while she had been mostly oblivious to the greater happenings of the world during her trip, the world had continued to shuck and jive along, in its usual haphazard fashion.  She must now play catch up.

Barack Obama has increased the litany of atrocities of which he is accused. He now adds having not properly vetted disgraced ex-national security advisor Michael Flynn, to his existing list of not being born in the United States,  having been responsible for virtually every global conflict in existance, having created ISIS while he was also creating a health care system that has destroyed the very foundation of democracy, and having installed spying microwave ovens in Trump Tower.

Obamacare, in addition to destroying life as we know it, continues to rise in popularity among actual American humans.  An official spokesperson for actual American humans said, “We would rather have universal coverage than universal access.  Call us nuts, but we would also like to go on an affordable, but modest, vacation to the beach, rather than have the only option be a luxury cruise we can’t afford.”

China, instead of spending its time manipulating both climate change and world currency with the same enthusiasm as LBL’s eldest grandchild manipulates Legos,  has now morphed into a staunch ally in the fight against North Korea.  Xi Jinping, current president of China, said, “North Korea really sucks. We want everyone to just back off and settle down and avoid war. ”  He then led his country in a round of singing Kumbaya.

North Korea, to its credit, has not been accused of manipulating either currency or the climate. It has, instead, focused on designing giant military caps and bringing goosestepping to a fine art.  In its spare time, it has created a variety of ballistic missiles, most of which have been duds.  North Korean citizens have happily foregone food in order to pay for the development of the missiles.  “We are proud that our starvation has enabled our Beloved Supreme Leader to build scary weapons of mass destruction,” a random North Korean citizen said, just before keeling over into his empty soup bowl.

“Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more.”  When asked about this favorable quote, Douglass, himself, responded with “While I am gratified that the current leader of the free world obviously believes I am still alive, as well as being a young dude who is just starting to make a name for himself in the field of black history, I  am afraid that this isn’t the case. I exited the scene quite some time ago, before the internet, cell phones, and reliable hair products were invented.”

Silicon Valley millenials are now flocking to the idea of a low carb, high fat diet.  They are touting this revolutionary new way of eating, as a way of losing weight, staying fit, and appreciating the micro apartment boom.  A spokesperson for all women over 40 said, “We expect that next they will invent the idea of socks.  They are basically self-absorbed, over-texting babies, who don’t call their mothers often enough or return emails.”