Life in the Boomer Lane spends a lot of time reading about apps that boomers need. While she agrees that some of these might be quite useful in certain circumstances, she has yet to find apps that she would consider indispensible. She is forced, therefore, to create her own and present them to loyal readers as a public service.
Find My Face App: Most boomers complain that the face and neck they see in the mirror isn’t the actual face and neck attached to their bodies. This creates a problem on Facetime, when they become distracted from listening to their young grandchildren wax poetic about trains or having been a worm in the school play. The boomer in question is actually not listening to their beloved grandchild, since all of their attention is riveted on staring at the tiny screen showing what is supposed to be their own face, but is, in fact, either a very old person or their own parent.
The Find My Face app ends all that. Boomers can upload a face of their own choosing, preferably their own, from any past year. That face becomes the face displayed on Facetime, Skype, in mirrors, and on drivers’ licenses.
Find My Body App: This app works much like Find My Face. Users may choose a body they owned back in the past, and can use the app as an invaluable tool when in dressing rooms, especially when trying on underwear or swimwear. The makers of the app, two young men with a combined age of 17, do issue a warning. As of yet, the app does not work in the bedroom or on the beach, so they will not be responsible for boomers then purchasing tiny little undies or swimsuits.
Find My Word App: The Find My Word App can be used during conversations, in which words that used to be comfortably nestled in the boomer brain suddenly decide, much like Now Husband, to take a quick nap. The app becomes automatically activated when it hears any verbalization starting with “that thing that” or “that actor/movie/TV show that” or the ever-popular “I’ve forgotten my children’s’ names.” The app then automatically gives one the correct answer.
A second feature of this app is that it recognizes incorrect verbalizations (“Top Job” for “Home Depot”). The app does not correct mispronunciations (“heighth” for “height”) or mixed up metaphors (“We could stand here and talk until the cows turn blue” or “She’s suffering from a detached rectum”) For those, LBL suggests starting one’s life over and getting it right the second time. Or, at the very least, having an immediate colonoscopy.
Note to Readers: Since this is LBL’s blog, and she can say whatever she likes, she will now take a moment to address all of you out there (and you know who you are) who say Nordstrom’s, instead of Nordstrom and William Sonomas, instead of Williams Sonoma. Please cease and desist immediately. Each time you say either, LBL silently cringes. Thanks.
Find My Century App: The Find My Century App allows boomers to live in the current century, rather than in the last century, in which they are most comfortable. This is helpful when viewing any music awards show, in which most entertainers have names like Dooodly O, and the boomer wonders who this megastar is an why his parents, Mr and Mrs O, didn’t give him an actual name. It is also helpful when flipping through the pages of People magazine and noting that all of the famous people in there look like they have gone directly from toilet-training to Hollywood.
Locate Events in Time App: Many boomers have noted that, as time speeds up, events in the past have actually occurred much, much farther back in reality than in the boomer’s brain. Scientists have found that the events in boomers’ lives actually occured three times farther back. So, when the doctor asks, “When was your last flu/pneumonia/tetanus/rabies shot or pelvic/vision/dermatology/colorectal exam and you say “I’m sure it was just last year,” the app will immediately flash “2012” instead.
When you are asked by a contractor when your roof/furnace/AC compressor was installed, and you hesitate, the app will note the hesitation and immediately flash 1996. The app doesn’t actually know the answer, it simply knows that whatever the question is, the answer is that you need a new one and it will cost you a boatload of money.
Technology App: The Technology App allows boomers to immediately master all recent and ongoing technology, in words and illustrations that the boomer brain can easily understand. Unfortunately, the app involves a rather complicated series of instructions to install, and to this date, no boomer has been successful in installing it.