3 Ways Your Divorce is More Complicated than It Needs to Be (and How to Fix It)

Posted on February 12, 2016


The following is a guest post from Aurora Family Attorney. Ned C.  Kahn was born and raised in the Chicago area. He graduated from the Indiana School of Law in 1991 with honors. The Law Office of Ned C. Khan was opened in 1993 and has been representing clients in divorce, criminal and personal injury cases ever since. He can be contacted via his Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/Attorney-in-Aurora-Ned-C-Khan-236945826449639/
Nobody says at the wedding ceremony: “People have gathered together to celebrate the very special love between BRIDE and GROOM, by joining them in marriage, for approximately 3 years.” No one would hire that priest if that would be the case. Sadly, though, a lot of marriages will end in divorce sooner or later, according to data from the National Survey of Family Growth provided to us by Aurora family lawyer Ned Khan.
This process comes with pain, anger and frustration in most cases. It is the equivalent of performing surgery on yourself. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can always try to pull through this with dignity.
Here’s how…
There Are Kids Involved
And this is how it becomes infinitely more painful and complicated. Traumatic for both parents and children at first, it turns out that staying in an unhealthy marriage is far more difficult for children than a divorce.
In order to protect your kids, you should try to smoothen the transition for them, keeping them away from your conflicts or arguments. Furthermore, it is known that children who have passed through their parent’s divorce will cope with it better if they will keep a strong relationship with both parents.
You can even try a program specially designed for situations like this, when the parents need to make the relationship with their children even tighter. Another option is for the parents to think of a plan to present to the kids and to openly talk about everything. If you are going to move them to a new home, it would be helpful if you would let them know that at least a few weeks before the change.
Mediation Should Come First
It is given that the ending of a marriage represents a carousel of emotions –grief, pain, fear, you name it. The things you knew are never going to be the same, you will have to build a life from scratch, and this is a heavy burden on any person’s shoulders.
You must keep in mind that all of these feelings are normal, in order to maintain yourself calm, and that they will slowly subside in time. You mustn’t be too harsh on yourself in this period, and most of all, if possible, you should be kind with your partner, because the process will be much easier for both of you.
In order to not forget important details, you must consider writing some things down, and use that list when you will talk to your ex-partner. You can always discuss some of these things over email, if you are feeling that meeting face to face would be too difficult.
Legal Options
A rather simpler and cleaner way to handle a divorce is either by having a collaborative one, or by mediation. For the first one, you will need professional help from attorneys, and perhaps even divorce coaches or therapists. They will be of great help when needing to divide a property, to split finances and even on coping with the emotional stress.
There are voices that disagree with this option, arguing that they are time and money consuming, and that they rarely are experts. However, you can not contradict the fact that it is a much cleaner way to end a marriage, being less adversarial and personal.
Your other option is mediation. In this case you will only have to deal with one person – the mediator. In contrast with the collaborative divorce, this is more of a long term process. In addition, you are allowed to consult an attorney if you believe it is necessary, at any point of the mediation.
Undeniably, cooperation and communication are the Holy Grail of divorces, since they are usually very difficult to achieve. It does pay off, though, if you manage to control your emotions and choose to be open in this process. The end goal is to make the best decisions about your children, financial aspects or even about ending a loving relationship in the proper way.
It is critical to have a clear mind, since many mistakes are being made in the heat of the moment that will probably impact later on. You must always think of the end goal and of the fact that you will survive this bravely, with as little bruises as possible.
A new chapter awaits…