Unless you have spent your life living pre-4000 BC, before the mirror was invented, you may have noticed that you have hair growing out of your head. Life in the Boomer Lane has noticed this since she was a toddler and her mother tried to comb her demented hair. Even putting bracing her foot against LBL’s tiny shoulder and yanking as hard as she could, Beloved Mom was unable to get LBL’s hair to look like anything other than Rasputin’s beard.
The years since have been filled with as many hair procedures as follicles on her head, in a series of unsuccessful attempts to make her hair more humanlike. Each procedure and each stylist was eventually abandoned.
One day, LBL was in a large, crowded department store, when two of her former hair stylists (who had each owned their own salons and had recently joined forces in one salon), stopped her and loudly announced that her hair looked like shit. They did this while one stood behind her and the other stood in front of her, each pullling her hair in even more directions than it had ever discovered on its own. A crowd formed around them and gawked, assuming this was a reality show about hair, in which people with bad hair were ambushed in public places, taken to New York, and transformed. But when the salon owners eventually moved on, the disappointed crowd disbursed.
Fairly recently, LBL was on the usual hunt for the perfect hair stylist when she saw one online that bleated “Voted the #1 Salon in (LBL’s hometown)!” What followed were glowing endorsements about the prowess of the salon’s owner. She dialed the number as fast as she could and made an appointment with the owner. When the Big Day arrived, LBL strolled into the salon, mentally prepared to have her life finally make sense. Said owner looked up from the women whose head he was slathering with a blue substance, and said, “Renee! I haven’t seen you in a while! Glad you are back!” This was not the best way to start. LBL may not be the sharpest tack in the tool box, but she realized two things immediately:
1. She must have been to this salon before
2. If she hadn’t returned, it was, most likely, for a good reason
An hour and a half later, she knew exactly why.
Disasters occur even when she has hairdressers she likes. She referred one hair stylist to a friend, and when her friend went there and loved the cut and color he did, said hairdresser promptly learned that his mom was quite ill, took a long leave of absence and eventually quit the salon altogether.
She referred her current hair stylist to another friend, who went with the highest hopes. They discussed at length how my friend wanted to look and the stylist said, “So you want funky, right?” LBL’s friend enthusiastically agreed. The snipping started and went on for some time. When finished, the stylist beamed and announced “Farah Fawcett!” As Farah Fawcett was, at the time, still dead, LBL’s friend thought it unlikely that the stylist was announcing that Ms Fawcett had just entered the salon. The stylist handed LBL’s friend a mirror and confirmed her worst nightmare. While hoping she would look like the cover of a magazine, she hadn’t anticipated that it would be a magazine from the 1980s.
LBL will no longer refer friends to hair stylists.
LBL has now figured out what the secret is to perfect hair everyday, and it is neither wigs, large hats, nor burkas. She now wears her workout clothes at all times, and when she sees people she knows, she says, “Oh please excuse my hair. I spend most of my day in the gym and don’t wash my hair until I get home.” People are so stunned that they can only process the “most of my day at the gym” part. For more formal occasions, she does dress up, but quickly says, “Please excuse my hair. As I spend most of my day at the gym, I only had time for a shower, before getting dressed to go out.” Same reaction from people.
This technique is pretty flawless, unless, as the months have gone by, people are starting to wonder why, hair aside, the rest of LBL doesn’t look like she has seen the inside of a gym in a long time. She is working on this pesky issue now, and will share her thoughts with readers in a subsequent post.
NN Bartley
November 20, 2014
My friends will no longer refer hairdressers to me after a period of years in the 80s when I had two hairdressers die (Gay Houston/AIDS), one get fired (as I was about to get shampooed, store security escorted him out), and one get transferred abruptly to Saudi Arabia. I was definitely cursed.
I feel your pain.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
I would have considered shaving my head after all that.
janeydoe57
November 20, 2014
My mistake was letting my mother-in-law talk me into getting my hair cut by her stylist. To be honest, I didn’t resist too much, you know what they say about resistance right?
I explained that my stylist texturizes or thins the side of my hair where it gets bushy. MIL’s stylist solved that thorny issue by just cutting that side shorter. Sigh. I’m still trying to get it back to my happy place.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Oh no, that is horrible. Has MIL tried talking you into anything else?
janeydoe57
November 21, 2014
No 5thank god! But I’ve learned my lesson! 😉
katecrimmins
November 20, 2014
Like you I could do a book on my hair and hairdressers. It would be three inches thick. Weird things happen when I find a stylist I like. One got pregnant and quit (I had nothing to do with the pregnancy). Another one found out she was pregnant two minutes before my appointment (I can’t even talk about that painful two months until my hair grew out) and one up and died from heart failure (after I got him featured in Good Housekeeping — how’s that for gratitude?) If you find one you can connect with don’t do a referral or something bad will happen. Keep it a deep dark secret. Having said that I got a referral from a friend whose hair has been looking good lately. I better alert the undertaker.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Check NN Bartley, above. Between the two of you, you could put all hair stylists out of business.
notquiteold
November 20, 2014
My husband does not understand why I cry when I come home from the hairdresser. But YOU understand.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Totally.
btg5885
November 20, 2014
Renee, your strategy in the next to last paragraph is a winner. Of course, your picture gave me a Crystal Gail flashback. “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue……”
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Back in the 60s, that’s sort of what my hair looked like. Only down my back, and much curlier. But the rest was the same. I looked like the woman on the hair net packages.
btg5885
November 21, 2014
I love looking at pictures which trace people I know with their historical hair styles. I tease my wife when she has gotten into different colors and shades, that “you know I married a brunette.” Of course, at my age I just want hair. My daughter likes to pat my “monk’s patch” of skin on my head. I asked my wife will she still love me when I am bald, she said “yes, but hair would be nice.”
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
November 20, 2014
Pigtails do wonders for containing impossible hair. Of course I was ten when I last wore them…
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Back in 1970, I went trough Europe with pigtails. I was a lot older than ten.
pjcolando
November 20, 2014
probably gasps at least once/day: “In my next life I will have thick hair and a tan.”
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
I like the tan one (I already have a lot of hair). Mine is “I will be tall and enjoy sports.” With my luck, I’ll come back as an NBA player.
niceandnerdy
November 20, 2014
This post had me rolling laughing. Thank you, it took me 35+ years to get my hair “right”. Love your selfie.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Happy to provide you with laughter, and very happy that you finally got your hair “right.” I’m still working on mine. I’ll probably be blow drying it in the nursing home.
Sweet Sue
November 21, 2014
Hilarious!
“Please excuse my hair” is my new, go to greeting.
I’ve already instructed my husband to have “How’s My Hair?” etched on my tombstone.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 21, 2014
Oh my, if it weren’t for the fact that I intend to be cremated, I would copy that. Maybe I’ll have my ashes distributed all over the Metro area at the doorsteps of all the hair stylists I have been too.
Sweet Sue
November 21, 2014
It’s only a fantasy to bedevil my husband who answers that question at least twice a day.
Why should he be spared just because I’m dead?
In reality, I’ll be cremated, too.
lifeofjanine
November 21, 2014
My lesson … don’t use Groupon for hair. There’s a reason why they are giving out coupons.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 24, 2014
Oh my. I did use them once for a Brazilian blowout. I know of hat you speak.
Valentine Logar
November 22, 2014
I am so fortunate, I realize this after reading. I have the best stylist in the world. I don’t say anything and let her do whatever she wants. She has never done anything I hated. For years I wore my hair essentially in a longer Marine cut, it suited me (no effort). Now I am growing it, I don’t know how to take care of it but am learning.
My rule? If it takes me more than 10 minutes after shampooing it is too long.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 24, 2014
You are one lucky woman.
meandcoffeefairy
November 25, 2014
I am so happy that my mama passed on her perfect head of hair to me, cut it wrong, two weeks later like grass its already time to trim it back an inch. I love, ecstasy is a better word, getting my hair cut and getting it washed is pure heaven. Goosebumps from my toes to the top of my head. Have you considered charging your parents for their failure to understand combined their egg and sperm left poor you with one hell of a mess of hair.
Sweet Sue
November 26, 2014
Good for you, dearie.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 29, 2014
Hurray for you. The rest of us just have to learn to cope!
jmgeisendorfer
December 4, 2014
I’ve had a heck of a time finding someone here in China to do good hair. My first try, I brought in a card from my stylist back home detailing my correct color formula. The woman said, yes, we have that, then proceeded to dye my hair very close to black. Not even close to normal for me :(. After one more failed attempt, I moved on to salon #2 which I like, but she just told me they are moving back to their home country this coming year, noooo! Maybe I’ll just buy a bright pink wig…
thesignorina
December 18, 2014
I used to hate going to have my hair cut! Fearful, worried and so relieved when the whole thing is over. Now I’m older it is such a lavish affair – maybe they offer you coffee/wine and yo sit back with the latest trashy mags you would never, ordinarily buy.
I write a news, views blog for twenty-somethings/anyone who can read. My latest post might make you giggle.
http://thesignorina.com/2014/12/18/how-to-be-the-most-christmas/