I Have 10,000 Blog Followers

Posted on September 30, 2014

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pied-piper1

WordPress now tells Life in the Boomer Lane that she has 10,000 followers.  She would immediately have to start purchasing larger hats were it not for several important facts:

1. She has no idea who these people are. The number of people who comment on her blog posts has actually gone down, not up. And, while she truly reveres anyone who takes the time to read anything she has written, she believes the other 9990 have no GPS and ended up in the wrong place.

2. While her stats have, indeed, gone up, they in no way indicate that anywhere near 10,000 (or even 1000 or even 500) people are reading this blog.

3. Moses had between 2.5 and 3 million followers on his trek to Canaan. LBL doubts she could round up even 20 followers for a two block walk to the Safeway for coffee Haagen Dazs.

On the other hand, let us not downplay the significance of the number 10,000.  If seen through the lens of history and popular culture, we can appreciate just what this number means.

In 10,000 BC, the Neolithic Revolution appeared. This was the dividing line between our lives as hunter-gatherers and the beginning of agriculture. Agriculture allowed mankind to live in one place only, immediately giving rise to people qvetching that they never got to go anywhere.

Astrology was invented 10,000 years ago in Egypt, providing single Egyptians with the great opening line in bars of “What’s your sign?”

There are 10,000 species of microbes (bacteria) in the human body. All of them are currently wreaking havoc in LBL’s chest, causing sounds that alternate between gurgling and a death rattle.

10,000 boomers retire each day. It was difficult enough to find parking at the gym. Now it will be impossible.

Upon awakening each morning, LBL’s hair goes in approximately 10,000 different directions.  All of them are bad.

All blue-eyed people have been traced back to one ancestor who lived 10,000 years ago along the Black Sea. He holds the record for the largest pay out of child support, which continues to this day.

The average sumo wrestler consumes 10000 calories per day.  LBL has been known to do the same between Halloween and New Year.

Popular singer Usher owns 10,000 pairs of shoes but has as yet been unable to increase his number of feet.

Four out of ten Americans believe that god created the earth 10,000 years ago, coinciding with the appearance of both anatomically modern humans and dinosaurs.  These anatomically modern humans played with the dinosaurs, who were basically the big slobbering happy puppy dogs of cave society.

If LBL were to arrange all 10,000 of her followers head to feet, the line would stretch from LBL’s house in Virginia all the way to her front lawn, at which point the remaining 9999 people would tell LBL to do something anatomically unfeasible. They would then use LBL’s own laptop to unfollow her blog and she would have to start all over again, slogging for new followers.

There are about 10,000 reasons why you have better ways to spend your time than to read this blog.  But if you ignore all of those and read anyway, LBL wants you to know that you are making her feel as though the wacky thoughts that permanently reside in her head are, incredibly, of some kind of use.  And for that, she is grateful beyond measure.

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Posted in: blogging, humor, satire