How the Boomers Changed Sex

Posted on September 10, 2014

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Adolf Koch

 

An apology to loyal readers of this blog and to those who arrived here because they will read anything with the word “sex” or “lubrication” in it.  The following is not a boomer version of the Kama Sutra.  Reading this will not allow you to cavort between the sheets as though it were 1976 and you were made of rubber.  The upside is that there will be no need for you to don your reading glasses or grab your magnifying glass, no need to turn your laptop upside down to understand better what Life in the Boomer Lane is talking about, and no need to down copious amounts of Advil to achieve positions that require the use of body parts that stopped functioning in 2002.  

AARP Magazine, in an article titled “Generation Sex,” lets us in on all the latest data regarding the sexual habits of boomers.  The subtitle of the piece is “They couldn’t get enough during the sexual revolution.  Are boomers still turned on?”

LBL would like to clarify, once and for all, that she is getting mighty tired of being lumped into a group of folks who were apparently naked and panting during most of the late 60s and early 70s (the years, not the chronological ages).  She was the daughter of a mother whose two favorite expressions were “Men don’t want damaged goods” and “A man won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free.” To this day, LBL has an aversion to dented canned goods and farms.

She graduated from an all-girls high school and then put herself through college, and so the only thing she was pumping with any great enthusiasm was the books. Immediately after graduation, she did what any smart woman with a shiny new degree in the brand new world of women’s liberation would do: She got married.  She still meets women all the time who tell her what a rollicking good time they were having back in their 20s, so she knows there was a sexual revolution going on.  She just happened to be spending her own time avoiding denting herself.

Back to AARP, who asked 1816 people to share “intimate details of their sexual lives for an exclusive AARP survey.”  It’s a wonder the article ever got written at all, considering all those “intimate details” flying into the heads of the researchers.  But the researchers were a tough lot, and the article got written. LBL now shares this with you.

71% of boomers say sex is still important in their lives  The article didn’t elaborate, so we don’t know if this means that 71% of boomers actually have sex, or if they watch it/read it/talk about it/think about it

54%  are satisfied with their sex lives.  If we combine the first two, this means that 17% of boomers are having really important, bad sex

67% admit that their sexual desire has receded in the past 20 years  LBL could stop right here and do a post just about this.  In spite of the endless shrieking articles about “Making Your Sex Life the BEST EVER in the Years After 50 (or 60 or 70 or 80)!!!” LBL has noticed that the actual real people she talks to have experienced a decline in their sexual desires.

45% of boomers are less comfortable with their appearance than they were 10 years ago  LBL has no idea why this is relevant to an article about sex.  As long as one has sex in a very dark room and  stays on the bottom, one should be OK.

33% of boomers have sexual thoughts or fantasies at least once a day.  The most common: having sex with someone younger.  LBL would personally have nightmares thinking about having sex with someone younger.  Not only would the room have to be completely dark, and not only would she have to always be on the bottom, she would also have to make sure her partner was wearing ear plugs.

54% of boomers claim they have never consumed online pornography  This item, alone, is proof that people lie when they answer research questions

48% of boomers would prefer to spend time with friends than have sex  This statement is misleading, since at least 8% of women would prefer to have sex while they were with their friends.  This would be an efficient way to either shop and have sex at the same time, or would allow friends to know the intimate details of each others’ sex lives without having to describe the details over lunch.

Boomer men report an average of 14 sexual partners over their lifetimes.  Boomer women report 9.  This had LBL grabbing a pen and trying to remember all of her own sexual partners. Because she has difficulty with names, she recorded them as “Indian,” “A Frame,” “Thighs,” etc. With only a couple question marks that depend on what one’s definition of “sex” is, she is happy to report that even though she bypassed the sexual revolution, she has, in later years, made up for lost time and is now right on target. In other words, Then Husband bought non-damaged goods.  Now Husband bought damaged goods but seems perfectly content with his choice.   (Both were sampling the milk but bought the cow anyway.)

Several writers were asked to contribute pieces to the article.  LBL’s favorite was one written by Joyce Maynard, an author she reads and enjoys.  Maynard married in her 20s, then re-married at age 59, last year. LBL also married in her 20s, then married again at age 59.  Unlike Maynard, she isn’t a famous writer.  But she is willing to put that torturous thought aside for now and move on .  Maynard says “…I know women my age who say they are all done with that, and others (a few) who hunger for it.  I’m in neither place. I’m not even close to feeling ready to give up the idea of being my partner’s lover. But I can’t pretend, either, that my body chemistry leaves me in the same place I was at 25, or even 45. Tell me about a couple who spend five hours making love and my first reaction will be: That sounds tiring.”

You bet.  Sex can be less about the pleasure of the experience than it is about being desired.  That’s not to say there isn’t pleasure.  Just don’t forget the Astroglide.

 

 

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Posted in: aging, humor, research, satire, sex