The Difference Between A 1-Year-Old, A 3-Year-Old, A 5-Year-Old and a 67-Year-Old

Life in the Boomer Lane has just returned from Seattle, where she celebrated her granddaughter’s first birthday.  She will leave for Brooklyn tomorrow, where she will celebrate her older grandson’s fifth birthday (June) and her younger grandson’s third birthday (July).  She now shares certain observations with her readers about the behavior exhibited at these ages by these specific children, as compared to her own behavior at her specific age.

Clothing

1-year-old: Wardrobe consists of a diaper and whatever else is put on her. Doesn’t like things pulled over her head.

3-year-old: Wardrobe consists of what is put on him, usually festooned with cartoons.

5-year-old: Starting to verbalize his preference for clothing but can often be talked into wearing what others put on him. This is excellent training for his future as a married man.

67- year-old: Selects her own clothing. Occasionally wears a mini-pad as a stand in for a diaper. Doesn’t mind pulling things over her head.

Meal Time

1-year-old: The high chair is a mere suggestion.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

3-year-old: The kiddie table is a mere suggestion. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

5-year-old: ditto.

67-year-old: The table is a mere suggestion. Often substitutes the table with the computer keyboard or the car.

Food

1-year-old: Eats pretty much anything that is put in front of her, including sunscreen and lint. A certain amount ends up in her bib catch-all.

3-year-old: Has food preferences that border on obsessive. A certain amount ends up on the floor.

5-year-old: Has food preferences that extend to the plate/utensils/manner of presentation/color/size/shape. Everything must be presented in an exact way. Has a bright future as a wedding planner.

67-year-old: Eats pretty much what is put in front of her, including sunscreen and lint.  Doesn’t wear a bib, so a certain amount ends up on the shelf created by her boobs.

Bath Time

1-year-old:   Happy to be in the water, just splashing. Tries to drink the bath water.

3-year-old: Happy to be in the water as long as surrounded by at least a dozen action figures. Used to drink the bath water.

5-year-old: Creates long, involved sagas with anything in the tub.  These mostly involve mayhem and death.

67-year-old: Doesn’t take baths, but takes showers and is happy to be in the water, just splashing. Creates long, involved sagas about life in general.

Story Time

1-year-old: Likes to be read to.  Enjoys the same stories over and over.

3-year-old: Likes to be read to. Enjoys the same stories over and over.

5-year-old: Likes to be read to. Enjoys the same stories over and over.

67-year-old: Likes to read. Enjoys telling others the same stories over and over.

Sleep Time

1-year-old: Prone to awaken during the night. Cries.

3-year-old: Sleeps like a rock.

5-year-old: Prone to awaken during the night. Wanders into parents’ bedroom.

67-year-old: Prone to awaken during the night. Cries silently that she cannot sleep through the night. Wanders into the family room where she watches reruns of General Hospital.