North Korea, in a stunning reversal of Precambrian technology, has announced the development of a smartphone, called the Arirang, available to all fun-loving and tech-savvy citizens of North Korea.
A spokesperson for the Arirang said, “North Koreans will no longer be limited to land lines, which aren’t available anyway, or to letter writing, which has been difficult since the post offices have closed. Smart phones will allow our citizens to communicate with anyone they want to, as long as anyone they want to resides in North Korea and has a North Korean Smart Phone.”
The Arirang will be loaded with features that few countries have on their smartphones. With the click of a button, citizens will be able to check in on the time remaining in any of their loved ones’ prison terms, as well as calculate the time remaining before they, themselves, will be taken. The GPS feature will not only locate the nearest food line, it will calculate how many people are currently standing in that line. One downside of the The Facetime feature will allow them to see the face of the Beloved Leader at all times, day or night. And, finally, the phone will, of course, have games. All games will involve running through mazes and over and around obstacles to get out of North Korea. The winner will be arrested.
Most countries on the planet doubt that the smartphone actually exists. Of course, a certain percentage of those countries doubt that North Korea actually exists. Some have speculated that the factories manufacturing the phones are actually empty warehouses, built to receive phones that have been manufactured in China.
The “May 11 Factory” where North Korea says it is producing smartphones has been promoted as the country’s hub for research, development and production of high-tech electronics. Surveillance cameras have detected machinery inside, but so far, the only word that was legible was “Singer.”
Demand for the new phones has been unprecedented. The expected wait time is approximately 23 years.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Lynne Spreen
August 17, 2013
Singer! Foot pedal optional.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 18, 2013
Seriously.
Scott
August 17, 2013
I have laughed aloud through many LBL columns. I have laughed so hard in public places while reading them on my smartphone that I’ve disturbed innocent bystanders’ in cafes while they were busy with work and with pretending to work or having discussions with actual in-person friends. Sometimes my smiles get others interested in LBL columns and they then subscribe.
You’re waiting for the ‘but’ aren’t you?
Well, here’s a reasonable facsimile of that ‘but’:
I’m sorry to say that I find this column’s targets far beneath your talents. It’s not that you missed the mark so much as it is that the bullseye for oppressive dictatorships is wider than a prison gulag fence and this takes no aim to hit. This big a target makes satire nearly superfluous. Sometimes cruel. There may be ways to poke fun at the plight of those in work camps, others attempting to flee for their very lives from death by starvation or ‘thought police,’ but (ah, there’s that ugly three letter word after all) I’m not sure just where to point such satiric darts. There’s no hope of shaming the NK regime or a bourgeois class there that could demand change after reading a ‘modest proposal.’ I don’t imagine anyone in NK will read this blog entry but some survivors of atrocities who escaped and some who love others still suffering there might do so.
I’ve tried to see how this could prove funny to any such folk. I’ve failed so far.
The intended audience must be mostly here in the USA: mostly fellow boomers or not-quite-boomers, mostly white, mostly middle class… perhaps the intention is to illicit more involvement, among those of us who enjoy many freedoms and who have many resources, in demanding human rights within one of the most oppressive places on earth — and extending humanitarian aid to starving masses.
That’s a nobel intention, of course. I hope I’m wrong in feeling that this piece so far misses that target and so pointlessly takes pot shots at a ridiculously easy-to-ridicule despot that such good intentions fail. The irony that I read this post on my Apple 4s is not, as the saying goes, lost on me. I simply don’t find this irony humorous and I’m not creative enough (at least bot at tuis monent) to think of a way this irony leads me to do anything worthwhile.
Suggestions for how to find more humor in the plight of North Koreans?
For how to use this blog to relieve suffering?
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 18, 2013
Wow. First off, Scott, Let me say that I’m honored that you are a fan of my blog. That means a lot to me, as does the obvious time and effort it took for you to comment.
I’ve never seen this blog as a way to change the world or even as way to change people’s thinking. It’s simply my thoughts, random as they may be. If it brings a smile to peoples’ faces, I’m happy. I do write about serious matters every now and then, but the serious posts are more about ordinary people and how their lives have touched me. The actions of some politicians, all despots and their despotic regimes are so overwhelmingly serious in nature that my rage will consume me unless I turn it into satire.
I’ve read enough about North Korea to respect what a menace it is, not only to its citizens, but in the world-at-large. I am stunned that a society like that can even exist in this day and age. You are absolutely correct in your statement about North Korea being too easy a target. It is too easy to view it as a joke, without seeing the danger that it represents. For that reason, my post was too easy to write. It was a throwaway, and I came close to not posting it at all. I felt the same way when I wrote a previous post about Kim Jong Il and another about Muammar Qaddafi.
I am overwhelmed on a daily basis by thoughts of human trafficking and modern day slavery, child abuse, the rape of the environment, the misery of countries throughout the world precipitated by their leaders and by those who would profit by involvement, our own members of Congress who obstruct progress while they serve and leave office with fat bank accounts.
I could go on. If I were a better writer and a more informed one, I would be writing a serious blog. But that doesn’t absolve me of holding myself to a higher standard with my own blog. I deeply appreciate your comments.
chickens consigliere
August 18, 2013
Great post, I enjoyed it. Then again, I’m a middle class, white boomer, so it makes sense.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 18, 2013
Glad you enjoyed it, white middle class boomer.
Valentine Logar
August 18, 2013
Oh having a assbackward dictatorship as a neighbor makes this somewhat funny. I am wondering if Scott is my brother and failed to see the humor. Scott is my brothers name and he lives in S Korea.
Me? I thought it was quite well done and I laughed through the whole thing.
Valentine Logar
August 18, 2013
No I went and checked, he isn’t.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 18, 2013
Valentine, you are something else. xxoo
Elyse
August 18, 2013
I thought it was hilarious, too. And frankly, I think that one of the best ways to understand the impossible to understand stuff is by looking at it through humor. Because otherwise we just look the other way.
BTW, in SOUTH Korea, their cell networks are different from most of the rest of the world. My husband travels there frequently, and one is given a special cell phone for communicating in country at the hotel.
Susan in TX
August 20, 2013
“And frankly, I think that one of the best ways to understand the impossible to understand stuff is by looking at it through humor. Because otherwise we just look the other way.”
Well said. LBL humor leads us to consider–AND BELIEVE–the horror that we would rather turn away from.
Elyse
August 20, 2013
Thanks, Susan.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 20, 2013
And thanks to both of you.
Elyse
August 20, 2013
You’ll never please everyone. Not even if you post the alphabet (should we do the Grrek, the cure iliac? The Chinese?
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
August 19, 2013
I dunno — the SOUTH Korean smartphone (Galaxy S4) is diabolical enough. I may be exaggerating when I say I can use at least .000000001% of its capability, but it’s still a kick to whip it out of my backpack and be down in a sec with a whole bunch of cutting edge info. When it rings I always, always answer, and I imagine North Koreans would be wise to do the same.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 20, 2013
I just lost my iPhone 5. I had it about six months and was a whiz with making calls, texting, reading and sending emails and watching old episodes of General Hospital. The rest was a total mystery to me. I had no insurance, no “find this phone” app, no back up on The Cloud (or any random cloud). I am f’d. But I probably deserve to be.
Main Street Musings Blog
August 24, 2013
Does it exist? Are we right or arirang?