The following is an interview with Susan, the heroine of the Sex and the Sixty (Year Old) series. Contrary to the title of the post, Susan is not the actual oldest living single. She has just had a lot of dates. In fact, if you could stretch out all of her dates end-to-end, they would reach back to the Civil War, specifically to the second Battle of Bull Run.
How old were you when you realized you were single?
I’m single? No way … I buy all my groceries in multi-pack or duos so I must have another half somewhere.
Would you characterize your dating experiences as more like 50 Shades of Grey or The Hunger Games?
50 Shades of Hunger
Exactly how many men have you dated?
How many men are there in the universe? Take that number and multiply by 4. If I went out with them twice, can we double it?
How many ounces of coffee have you consumed while meeting men?
723 regular coffees, 58 caramel macchiatos, 67 waters (with those who were too cheap to buy me coffee) and 3 bagels when I was playing “bagel hooker”.
Who sells the best coffee?
Giant. Then I can stay home and drink it.
Why do you think men are attracted to your online profile?
Maybe because I have in my profile that I give good “phone.”
What was the worst date you have ever had?
Hard to pick from the hundreds but I guess it would be the Velvetta-cheese-in-his-pocket man.
You have been besieged by 20-year-olds online. Why do 20 year olds want to date 60 year olds?
Because we are rich, wrinkled and don’t complain when they get up after 5 hours straight of hot sex and go home. Plus, we’ll never lie to them.
How long should a woman date a guy before she shtupps him?
About 5 minutes … maybe shorter if he’s got a bulge in his pants.
Have you ever dated anyone who looked like a celeb (Brad Pitt/ George Clooney/ Freddie Krueger)?
No, but I did shtup someone who shtupped someone who was a distant cousin of George Hamilton’s.
What famous person, alive or dead, would you like to date?
Can I date them while they are still dead? I’d say Imelda Marcos because I’d like to borrow her shoes.
You have a parking fairy. Do you want to explain that to the readers?
I have a parking fairy ONLY when I’m not having sex. As I’m getting older, I am realizing that parking fairies are much more important than sex … especially when it’s snowing or raining outside.
What is the most important thing for a woman to know when using online dating profiles?
That most men lie — about their height, age, amount of hair and teeth.
How can a single person guarantee success when using online dating sites?
I think you should answer that because obviously YOU were successful and I haven’t been.
Which is worse, a first date or being audited by the IRS?
Sometimes it’s the same thing if you date an IRS auditor.
Have you thought of writing a book?
Yes, and I’ve also thought about bungee jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge and joining an ashram in India … so far the Brooklyn Bridge is winning.
Have you ever dated the same man twice because you forgot that you already went out with him?
I’m like an elephant. I NEVER FORGET …
Lynn Schneider
July 23, 2012
Love the Adventures of Susan. Very funny post, but do women also lie in their online dating profiles? Do you have to admit you have false teeth? Do you have to include your vital statistics, such as BP, cholesterol percentage (both bad and good) and your BMI when dating post sixty?
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 23, 2012
Women use correct numbers, only not in the correct places. Age:36 (instead of BMI). Weight:110 (instead of age). Annual income: $100,000 (instead of monthly VISA bill).
Audubon Ron
July 23, 2012
Cute.
BTW, love the Dicks and Jane thingie.
See Spot run
See Spot run to Mr. Anderson next door.
See Spot grab Mr. Anderson’s sweater and drag him to the ground.
See Spot chew on Mr. Anderson’s arm.
Hear Mr. Anderson yell for help.
See Spot grab Mr. Anderson’s leg and drag him into the yard and chew on him some more.
Hear Mr. Anderson yell for help.
Wasn’t that fun. Tomorrow we will visit Mr. Anderson and see how he is feeling.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 23, 2012
I think that book is from the beloved series: “The Little Pit Bull Who Could”
speaker7
July 23, 2012
I think the better question is why would a a 60-year-old want to date a 20-year-old? I didn’t want to put up with 20-year-old men in my 20s when I was also an idiot. Now I couldn’t even fathom it.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 23, 2012
You bring up an outstanding point, which is incredible since it means that Christian and Ana have not destroyed all of your brain cells. I’m in awe.
Hippie Cahier
July 23, 2012
No, but I did shtup someone who shtupped someone who was a distant cousin of George Hamilton’s.
I hope she used protection.
The Byronic Man
July 23, 2012
And sunscreen.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 23, 2012
Points to you both.
The Byronic Man
July 23, 2012
What is the long-term game plan for lying on a profile? Is it that the person will be so enchanted with the fictional you, that they’ll just go with it? Is it to just make something up (“Uh, I ate 15 carrot cakes yesterday”)?
pegoleg
July 23, 2012
Lying on your profile works just fine if you specify that you only date the visually impaired.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 23, 2012
You’d have to extend that to the tactilly (is that a word?) impaired as well.
Go Jules Go
July 24, 2012
I honestly think Susan needs her own blog so we can explore all of this in far greater depth (and, because as I’ve previously mentioned, Susan is the sh*t). I think I met a grand total of 2 people from online dating and they both lied about height and more. Not that it matters (I married someone shorter), but, that’s not even a lie you can sustain, so, why bother? “Um, listen, for our first date, let’s meet on the stairs okay? No no, nothing after that. Just the stairs. I’ll stay on this one. You…you stay right there.”
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 24, 2012
The only things Susan likes to write are emails and signing her name on credit card purchases.
pegoleg
July 23, 2012
I love that old Candy Land game. Thanks for ruining it for me by associating it with 50 Shades (all of them dark) of Shtupping George Hamilton
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 23, 2012
Loser takes all.
Betty Londergan
July 23, 2012
I think Susan is the bravest woman in the world. There is literally NO way in the world that I would ever go on a dating site. If this marriage doesn’t last, it’s my last. Without question!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 24, 2012
She’s either the bravest or simply the best friend, ever, because she knows I depend on her antics to keep me in the blogging “business.”
Kathryn McCullough
July 23, 2012
Hilarious–now multiply that times 4! But does Susan really exist? I love her, but surely to God, she couldn’t be as funny as you–and here you are both so damn hysterical. How can there be two of you?
Hugs,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 24, 2012
Susan wrote you a reply (see below).
Snoring Dog Studio
July 24, 2012
Been there, done that. It feels so good when you finally give up your eight online dating subscriptions and realize that you’ll never have to read another stupid profile or wonder how you can quickly excuse yourself from a date gone bad. People say you have to date a lot of frogs to get to Mr. Right. I never even found Mr. Okay! Ahhh, it’s so much simpler to not date at all.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 24, 2012
And many women have decided to do exactly that.
cindyricksgers
July 24, 2012
I once thought of trying on-line dating, and spent days searching for the perfect photo that enhanced all my good features (meaning: didn’t really look like me at all), then couldn’t get over the fear of that first meeting…the look of horror at the real me. Your view from the other side has made me laugh about the entire thing. Thank you!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 24, 2012
Glad we could provide you with a few laughs.
suburbansusan
July 24, 2012
@Kathryn … this is Susan and yes, I really do exist and yes, Renee and I have hysterical laughter about life … and no, I’m not as funny as her but I keep working at it. I figure I “do” and she “writes” about it … great pair.
judithhb
July 26, 2012
If we lived closer, Susan and I could be great friends.
ladye
August 18, 2012
I gave up online dating the day my lunch date emailed me and told me to come to his hotel room for a spanking before lunch. I’m still wondering if maybe I should have gone🙂