No Breast for the Weary

Posted on July 12, 2012


On Wednesday I posted about my memorable phone dalliance with Carl, the Ahh Bra salesman.  When I completed that post, I thought the subject was put to bed (in a manner of speaking).

Lo and behold, I had totally forgotten that July 6 was National Braless Day, in which various celebs got to flaunt their unfettered breasts.  Had the celebs been Dame Judith Dench or Meryl Streep or Hillary Clinton, I might have paid attention.  But, since they were people like Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and Janet Jackson, I didn’t take it all that seriously.

So I put aside the thought of writing a post on national Braless Day and decided instead to brush up on the latest developments in the Higgs boson, a hypothetical massive scalar elementary particle predicted to exist by the Standard Model of particle physics.

While considering whether to watch the Higgs boson cartoon with the little M&M with a H on it or to watch the one starring Homer Simpson, the Universe reached out its big hairy arm, unceremoniously grabbed me and pulled me away from the computer screen toward my destiny. Clearly, the Universe believed I had more boob material to share with the world (in a manner of speaking). 

I had a phone call, was forced to leave my cartoon pondering and head to the office.  My destiny awaited in the form of Nick, a fellow realtor and husband of a minister. Nick knows who to seek out for spiritual guidance in his life, and he knows who to do boob talk with. Thanks to Nick, I now know that the woman with the largest natural breasts in the country (or maybe the planet) is living in Arlington, VA.   It was enough to make me forget about my usual trip to the candy dish, outside the manager’s office.

Here’s what I found out: Annie Hawkins-Turner, also known in the world of fetish modeling by her stage name Norma Stitz, recently moved to Arlington from Atlanta, Georgia. Hawkins-Turner has a rare condition called gigantomastia. She says she’s used to attracting attention where ever she goes.  She is well-adjusted and happy with her body.  She has never considered a breast reduction., dedicated to all things happening in the closest suburb of our nation’s great capital,  provided a handy video on our latest celeb resident.  From the video, I learned the following:

Hawkins-Turner wears a size 102ZZZ bra.  At first glance, this may look like 102 has fallen asleep. At second glance, there is no second glance. There is second stare. For a long time. 102ZZZ messes with my head even more than the thought of the Higgs boson.  I need a Homer Simpson cartoon to explain this bra size to me.

Hawkins-Turner’s breasts weigh 85 lbs. This is really discouraging to me because I tell myself that my own breasts have added 20lbs to my weight.  There is no other way to explain why I weigh 20 lbs more than I used to. But unless Hawkins-Turner is lying about the weight of her breasts, and they really weigh 200 lbs, I think I may be overestimating the weight of mine.

Hawkins-Turners’ breasts weigh as much as two four-year olds. This was in the video, not created by my brain. I’m not sure why someone would equate large breasts with four-year olds, but now I imagine that if Hawkins-Turner would take her shirt off, we would see two four-year olds attached to her chest instead of breasts.

People look at her and say, “Wow, that’s amazing!”  This was also in the video, just in case you might have thought that the sight of Hawkins-Turner’s breasts would elicit, “Wow, have you heard the latest about the Higgs boson?”

Hawkins-Turner is a fantasy model.  This, she explains, is not a nude model.  Nor does it mean she has sex. She simply poses wearing regular clothes, and, in her case, this is quite adequate.

Hawkins-Turner is happy in her, uh, skin. “No one looks like me,” she said. “I’m one in a million.” Actually, she’s more like one in a billion.  Or a trillion. Or a room filled with Higgs boson particles.


Posted in: humor, satire