Life in the Boomer Lane’s technological prowess stops somewhere between the invention of the wheel and that of the cotton gin. Everything else, LBL puts under one of two categories:
- It’s magic and she likes it.
- It’s a curse on her existence and she wants it to go away.
LBL’s enthusiasm for changing anything she has is comparable to that of a prisoner during the Spanish Inquisition being told that a revolutionary new torture rack has been invented that will speed up the torture process and do less harm to the rotator cuff of the torturer.
Enter Now Husband with a swell idea: “Let’s get new cell phones!”
NH then fails to notice that LBL refuses to say anything or to make eye contact with him. Based on this, he begins to email LBL mind-numbing data on all the various models of cell phones that Verizon sells. LBL refuses to open any of the attachments. Her reaction gets so bad, in fact, that she begins to fantasize about spending her time living in a cave and weaving.
The emails don’t stop. NH is now in his favorite place beside the boat and bed: Technology World. He starts yelling to LBL from his study:
“Come see this model!”
“Wow! Take a look at this one! It has 3G! ”
“Do you want a qwerty keyboard?” Finally this gets a response from LBL.
“I will not discuss words that begin with the letter ‘q’ or anything that beings with a number.” LBL is also prepared to eliminate the entire alphabet, if necessary.
NH entices LBL with all the new features she can have. LBL shoots down each one. NH saves the best for last: “We can text!” Great. This is comparable to someone trying to sell LBL a car by saying, “This car can swerve around mountain roads on two wheels!”
LBL slinks into bed, pull the covers over her head, and eventually the Messages From Technology Central get fewer and farther between, then cease entirely. She falls asleep and has nightmares about Technical Support.
This morning, NH announces that “one of us has to stay home today to refuse a package.” Since this is the opposite of what LBL usually does (Order something, wait for it, gleefully accept it), she asks why. NH explains:
“I ordered us two fabulous phones that do everything we want (she doesn’t remember saying she wanted anything) but then you said you don’t want another phone with a trackball, so I tried to cancel the order but it was too late so now we have to be home to refuse the package.”
The trackball was merely one of a number of features LBL told NH she didn’t want. Others included a screen and a keyboard. Apparently she was successful in squashing his dreams of cell phone upgrade. As soon as LBL realized that, she felt really bad. So bad, in fact, that she quickly reversed her position and declared that they should accept the new phones. It’s that push-pull thing with her that started in junior high. Boy likes her so she doesn’t like him. Boy ignores her so she develops a mad crush on him. Now she has The Boy, so she’s doing it with cell phones.
NH has just entered the room. He says, “I’m thinking the new phone is perfect for you, but it really isn’t good for me. I’ll just keep my old one. But you will love your new phone.” LBL suddenly become one of the cast members of “Lost,” still on the island, watching the others leave. But unlike them, she can’t go back to 1970.
duke1959
November 19, 2010
Amen! I leave all that cell phone stuff to my wife. Those contracts are to complicated for my small mind!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 19, 2010
Oy, and now I have another two years on the plan. That’s how I get the phone gratis.
writerwoman61
November 19, 2010
You and I are a lot alike, Renée…I “upgraded” my old cellphone at Jim’s urging. The kids would break into hysterical laughter every time I pulled out my old “peanut” phone, so I gave in…I still don’t really know how to use it, and the kids keep insisting on sending me text messages, despite my telling them to “Just CALL me!” AARGH!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 19, 2010
NHD asked he the other day if I had gotten his text message. I was thinking that I see this man close to 24/7. Why is he texting me? But when I found the text, it said, “I love you.” He knows how to diffuse me.
Hippie Cahier
November 19, 2010
This is hilarious and rings so, so true. I swear I didn’t intend that pun.
Can I come with you to weave in the cave? That sounds like fun.
It once took me twenty minutes to text, “Hello” to my son. I’m getting better, but not much. QWERTY hasn’t helped.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 19, 2010
My current Blackberry, with at least 8 letters on each key, is a real thrill to email or text with. I send messages to people like “Op vokk yug sy 8.”
sunshineinlondon
November 19, 2010
How funny that you’re now the one with the new cell phone and NHD is keeping his old one! Hope you can learn to drive it soon 🙂
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
November 19, 2010
Ironic, isn’t it. And you will appreciate this: Part of the lure of getting the phone is the built in sim card (I have no idea what a sim is) so I can bring the phone on my trips to London. Then I found out that each call would cost the same as my airfare. So I won’t even use it there.
Patricia
November 20, 2010
I sometimes wonder what I did without my cell phone–then I remember sometimes I was off on my own and nobody could bother–I mean call–me. I liked that.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 20, 2010
Agreed. I talk about that with friends. But sometimes we can’t even remember what it was like not to have a cell phone.
Jennie
November 20, 2010
I think guys just like to be helpful–even when we really don’t need helping! I’m with you on the technology stuff. I hoarded an old IBM selectric typewriter until a few years ago when my kids claimed it needed to be donated to the Smithsonian.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 20, 2010
Thanks for reading. Yes, typewriters. I love typewriters. I can speak to them and they understand me. My office has one typewriter left that will stay there until it finally bites the dust. One other realtor and I use it. When this one goes, I will mourn.
joanna jenkins
November 21, 2010
Ha! “…Others included a screen and a keyboard…”
I have to admit, I resisted an iPhone for ages and finally surrendered. Now I don’t know how I lived without it. Oy.
Cheers, jj
lifeintheboomerlane
November 21, 2010
Thanks for reading, JJ. I’m with you. Most of the time, I’m dragged kicking and screaming into some new technology, then end up loving it. many years ago, I wrote about half of a novel on a typewriter, while the brand new word processor sat about a foot away. My ex finally convinced me to switch.
Walker
November 21, 2010
I love technology… like Joanna I have an iPhone and am read to pimp myself out for an iPad!
Walker
November 21, 2010
I’m ready to pimp myself out.. though I could do ‘read’ as well?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 21, 2010
!!!
cadburygirl
November 22, 2010
I m someone who loves changing cell phones ;D and I m sure your NHD got you something fab 🙂
I liked reading your posts !!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2010
Thanks for reading! I am actually enjoying the new phone, so I am very relieved. And NHD is my in-house Technical Support Person. Even better!
cadburygirl
November 23, 2010
And there is something else too !! My first ever comment in wordpress is in ur post !! 🙂
stacy
November 30, 2010
makes me want to drink alchoholic beverages