Firing on All Cylinders

For the last couple weeks, every single time Life in the Boomer Lane starts to write a blog post, something crashes through her currently-firing brain cells that seriously diverts her attention. It’s like a fireball of headlines all barreling toward her at once. DeSantis Fires His Wrath Upon Disney World! Tucker Carlson Fired From Fox! Don Lemon Fired From CNN! Cheerleaders Pulling into Incorrect Driveway Fired Upon! Young Man Knocking on Incorrect Door Fired Upon! Tucker Carlson Fires Response to the World About His Firing! My Pillow Guy Fires Off About the Usual Shit That Has Nothing Whatsoever to Do With Pillows! Marjorie Taylor Greene Wants Every Law-Abiding Citizen to Start Firing Guns at Random! Homeowner Fires Upon Mail Carrier for Giving Him Too Much Junk Mail!

Stephen Miller, Trump firebrand, is turning his wrath upon M&Ms promoting diversity in the workplace and ditching the high heels that used to be worn by the candy, for sensible sneakers. Miller said, “Diversity of any kind has been shown to lead directly to the 2020 election being stolen. It’s unAmerican, plain and simple. Also, women are supposed to wear heels and men are supposed to wear manly shoes. That’s the way their feet are shaped, ever since God created them. It’s bad enough that women are allowed in the gym with sneakers. This goes way, way too far. We will not allow the Woke Mars Company to mess with that. It’s unconstitutional, sinful and against good foot health.”

The state legislatures of various Red states that are part of the country that LBL can’t quite keep clear in her head, are currently fired up about baby blankets and sheets. They have proposed a requirement that all baby blankets and crib sheets stop depicting sexually ambiguous little forest creatures. One of the duly-elected Bobbleheads explained “Babies have the right to know from the get-go that God intended all living creatures to be either one sex or another, not this mish mash of sexual identities we have created. This is socialism at its worst, and we won’t stand for it.”

Other state legislatures, like Florida and those places, have proposed that all books and songs be omitted from human contact that contain the words “wake” and “woke.” This includes songs like “Wake up, Little Susie” and children’s books like “Wake up, Sun!” and “99 Frogs Wake Up!” These books and songs have the option of substituting the word “wake” or “work” with some derivation of the word “fire.” Examples would be “Fire Up, Little Susie” and “99 Frogs Are All Fired Up!”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, ex-Trump mouthpiece and current Republican governor of Arkansas, just signed The Youth Firing Act*of 2023, removing a mandate that youths under the age of 16 need a work certificate involving written consent from a parent or guardian. “We want to give all kids, no matter their age, the right to become productive citizens. Agriculture is the #1 industry in Arkansas, and, in spite of having tiny, basically useless hands, which is not their fault, small children are entirely capable of working in the fields.”

(*The act is actually The Youth Hiring Act, but LBL needed another form of the word “fire.”)

And, in Texas, home to 16 mass shootings so far this year, neighbors asked a man to please stop firing his AR-15 style rifle in his backyard, as it was keeping their baby awake. The proud owner of the AR-15 said he could do whatever he liked on his own territory. Soon after, he went next door and “executed” five of the seven family members, their punishment for attempting to infringe on his God-given rights. The youngest victim was eight years old. GOPers-in-Name-Only were quick to dispense thoughts and prayers from their Bag ‘O Tricks. Lauren Boebert, Congresshumanoid from Colorado, issued this statement: “My own children, when babies, never used those Dangerously Woke Sound Machines. They were simply lulled to sleep by the sound of patriotic gunfire. Mr Oropeza, a proud gun owner, was merely protecting his property rights. Who wouldn’t do the same? We believe this entire incident was set up by the Dangerous Woke Left as a way to divert attention from Biden’s current plan to destroy this country and turn it into a paradise for blood-sucking immigrants, people who don’t know what sex they are, and those who think science has a place in modern society.”

LBL has now exhausted herself and apologizes to Loyal Readers that she has played fast and loose with both the English language and the truth. You’d think that the wild and incomprehensible things that some of these Folks-Who-We-Still-Refer-to- as-GOP say and do is already taking things to their absurd extreme, but LBL’s brain still imagines more. Her fear is that, whenever she thinks of the most bizarre things that could happen, she finds out that eventually, they actually do happen. There is a Netflix series in there, somewhere, right?