A Phone Conversation Between Vladimir Putin and Xi Jiping

Posted on August 17, 2020



Vladimir Putin, relaxing at home by doing 10,000 sit ups, is interrupted by a ringing phone. He picks it up.

Vlad here. Talk to me.

Hey Vlad, it’s Xi. We need to talk.

About what? As if I couldn’t guess.

Our common pain-in-the-butt.

Oh right, him. Trust me, it’s way worse for me. I have to support him. It’s wearing. You have the easy part. You can just insult him. I have to keep my mouth shut while he goes on and on about how he loves my military parades and all that nonsense.

Right, but I have to make sure that Biden wins. Trump is squirrely. He’s more annoying than the Japanese. He’s got his teeth into the White House and he won’t let go until he eats half of the West Wing for lunch. he’s like a rabid dog with a bone.

I still say I have the worst of it. We have people working around the clock to screw up the election in favor of a guy who has as much sense as a two week old biyali.

Still, I’m losing my mind over this. We also have people working around the clock to turn people against some lunatic that they shouldn’t even have to be told to be against.

American elections are insane. Too confusing, just to get the same results. We have it streamlined here. No matter how many people vote against me, I still get 80% of the vote.

I got 99 point something. I would have gotten 100 % but one guy abstained. I think he was actually dead but we killed him again just to make sure. Are you in for life?

Just about. How about you?

Life. I didn’t know there was an alternative. So what do we do about Trump? We are each going to spend zillions of dollars trying to screw up their election while that madman screws up their country. Whichever of us wins gets a country where everything is in upheaval and everyone’s pissed off and carrying guns and getting Covid and people are beating each other up over wearing face masks.

Makes me even wonder why we want it. We probably should have picked another country to go after. I’m already getting a headache from thinking about dealing with him. Trump Tower Moscow. Trump Tower Moscow. Trump Tower Moscow. The guy won’t shut up about it. I have to smile and pretend I don’t understand the English words.

What if we just both pulled out and let the Americans do whatever they do. What do you think would happen?

Beats me. but it’s worth thinking about. Let’s check in with each other later. And we can look around for a saner country to fight over.

Sounds good. Hey, I’ve always wondered. Did you really call Trump a genius?

Yeah, right. And I also said i was giving Crimea back.