Eschatological Retribution

Posted on April 27, 2020


Eschatology within Christian theology, derived from two Greek words meaning “last” and “study,” is the study of ‘end things’, whether the end of an individual life, or the end of the age. This, then, seems a perfect time to discuss the massive end of things that is staring humans in the eyeballs right now. What follows are a list of ends:

Life as we know it. This is being provided compliments of Covid-19. Life in the Boomer Land has been keeping a long list about the demise of life as we know it. The list has gotten way too unwieldy to keep track of, other than to note that butter consumption is plummeting and frozen pizza consumption is soaring.

Boomer Rule on Earth. Millennials have now usurped the position of most populous age group in the US of A. It’s been a tough burden to carry all this time, and now Boomers can finally relax and look forward, instead, to the end of life as we know it.

The long-standing tradition in which presidents refrain from giving medical advice to the general population. It makes sense to change this practice. Presidents are already Commander-in-Chief, being able, with absolutely no military training, to move countless soldiers across the planet, like some real-life game of Risk. Why not, then, formalize this into Doctor-in-Chief, and add this to the President’s curriculum vitae? Nightly press briefings could then center around the president offering advice for whatever ailments journalists hurl at them, like cancer, heart disease, and skin tags.

The Age of Pisces. In an astute move, astrologers the world over agree that the Age of Pisces is ending, but disagree as to just when that is going to happen. This lets them off the hook as the centuries slide by, from folks asking, “ Is this the Age of Aquarious? Are we there yet? I’m hungry. I have to pee.” LBL has fond memories of sitting in someone’s dorm room or apartment, stoned on love and whatever pheromones were in abundance in the late 60’s, and bellowing the refrain “This is the Age of Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius!” all through the night. By morning, the world hadn’t changed one bit, except she was sleep-deprived and ill-prepared for her early morning sociology class.

Astute Loyal Readers may now be asking, “What about the retribution that was promised? Ah, that. Yes. Retribution, as we know, is the comeuppance that reigns upon us, usually attributed to the moment of death. This is in direct contrast to a death in which a blinding white light leads us to departed loved ones, against a backdrop of a chorus of in-tune angels and a guy with a white beard smiling benevolently at us.

Instead, our eschatological retribution can be somewhat of a downer, meting out punishment for any number of infractions, most of them created by the sincere belief that there is no such thing as eschatological retribution.

LBL has no pipeline to celestial or spiritual matters. She leaves it up to Readers to believe whatever they choose to believe about anything that they choose to have thoughts about. She, herself, believes that at the Big Bang Moment of one’s life, all of the erroneous beliefs one has held since the moment of one’s birth will be revealed, mostly involving ex spouses, snakes, and the person they voted for in 2016. The End will thus be a string of “Ah-ha”s and “Damn”s and “Seriously?”s. And, like Twinkies, these awarenesses will last forever. That’s Eschatological Retribution in Action.

Oh, and one final thought: The unnamed person who was voted for in 2016 will get to spend eternity in the bosom of the people he loves to love. No more golf games or private jets or gold-encrusted lifestyle. Instead, it will be a world populated solely by the plain folks who attend his rallies. That’s Eschatological Retribution at its finest.

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