Swimming in the Dutch the Fountain of Youth

Posted on November 12, 2018



Non-fake news sources report that Emile Ratelband, a 69-year-old Dutch man, says having a younger age on paper would give him a boost in life and on dating apps.  Ratelband wants to shift his birthday from March 11, 1949 to March 11, 1969. He compares the change to identifying as being transgender.

“We live in a time when you can change your name and change your gender. Why can’t I decide my own age?” he said.

An editorial aside, here: Life in the Boomer Lane sees the issue of transgender as being a person’s choosing to acknowledge their natural state of being. Ratelband, on the other hand, is choosing to inhabit someone’s else’s natural state of being, i.e. someone twenty years younger.

A person’s name, for example, is an artificial construct. It has nothing to do with one’s natural state of being. LBL can rename herself Buddy, if she wishes, and, aside from a lot of paperwork she will have to fill out and a lot of people calling her name in dog parks, nothing will actually change.

Ratelband, who refers to himself as a “young god,”  argues he feels discriminated against because of his age, and that it was affecting his employment chances and his success rate on the dating app, Tinder.

Femke Smit, a tall, single Dutch woman, met Ratelband online. “Yeah,” she said, “he listed his age as 49.   I walked into the cafe to meet him in person and I was, like, where is my date?  Then this old guy looks at me, motions me over, and says, ‘I am a young god. Who are you?’  Honestly, I have no luck with online dating. The last guy I dated was an odor judge and spent his days smelling people’s armpits.”

Veerle Berkenbosch, another tall single Dutch woman, met Ratelband at a singles dance. “I thought he was someone’s dad,” she said. “Then he walked over and said, ‘I am a young god. Wanna dance?’  It was most unpleasant.”

Ratelband’s petition brings up a number of interesting possibilities. The Dutch, in addition to being able to easily root out witches, have a great national pension plan.  It starts at age 65, which means Ratelband has been receiving payments for four years already. An age change would mean he would have to go back to work and then pay back those years and would then have to wait another 16 years for any payout.

He would also have to decide which of the twenty years he would eliminate from his life.  His mother, asked her opinion, said, “Had I known he would eventually erase the first twenty years of his life, I would have gone shopping instead of staying at home, raising him. It wasn’t a barrel of laughs, I can tell you that. Just the toilet training alone almost did me in. If he gets rid of his first twently years, I’ll tell you right now that someone other than me will have to toilet train him.”

Fallout from the Ratelband case is starting to spread.  Approximately 42 million young people in the US have now petitioned to change their age to make them legal to drink.  A large group of people on Match.com are attempting to have the site allow two new age categories: “It’s complicated,” and “Fluid.”

Ratelband, himself,  is awaiting his fate. A local court in the eastern city of Arnhem is expected to rule on the case within four weeks.  He now spends most of his time on Tinder, looking for appropriate mates for his new age. He remains optimistic. Once his age is changed, he plans to legally change his height, weight and penis size and to give himself a degree in neurosurgery.