The New Presidential Alert System

Posted on October 5, 2018


The brand new Presidential Alert System, also know by its acronym POOP (President’s Organizational Override of the People) has now been activated to 1. keep us safe 2. let us know at all times who is in charge 3. keep assuring us that there was no collusion, uh uh, nope, never, no way

This week marked the first test of this system. Cells phones all over the country started making whatever noise POTUS wanted them to make to alert people to the fact that we have a president and he has the power to take over our phones whenever he wants to.

Life in the Boomer Lane, taking a short break from whatever her own life consists of, happened to be in Costco at the time, accompanying a friend on a mission to buy pillows and sheets.  While her friend was considering all options of mattress coverings, LBL’s attention was captured by a table of $4.99 jeans. She headed directly toward it and stationed herself there, and so was only vaguely aware of some kind of strange noise coming from her phone.  As the noise wasn’t a quack, indicating a text, she ignored it.

It was only later that her friend told her that she, herself, heard her own phone buzz and was aware that cell phones all over Costco were making noises at the exact same time.  She asked LBL if she hadn’t heard all that. LBL’s only response was that all of the jeans, while quite attractive, seemed only to be in the same size, 16 short.  She thought this must be a boon for whoever wore size 16 short, but, alas, this was not her.

This concerned LBL (missing the presidential alert, not the fact that the jeans were only in size 16 short)  as, had this been a true emergency, LBL would have been oblivious. She checked her phone, which by then was, of course, silent. And, unlike text messages, nothing of note appeared on her screen.  She felt as though some huge life event had transpired without her.  Worse, it has transpired and she didn’t even have a pair of $4.99 jeans to show for it.

It is not known exactly how long the president intends the presidential life-saving messages to remain on our phone screens, but it will hopefully remain long enough for women with purses the size of carry on luggage to root through all of the vital paraphernalia they tote around each day, in order to retrieve their phone, activate the screen, and read the message before it, as well as the entire planet, disappears.

LBL also hopes the message will remain long enough for women like her to  tear themselves away from whatever is consuming the sum of their woefully inadequate attention span, in order to check their phones.

She certainly hopes that POTUS will not use the POOP system to bypass his usual Tweets and, instead, bring his unique and ultimately disturbing brain firings directly into our lives.  This is a rather gut-wrenching thought for LBL and she is alarmed enough to immediately stop writing this blog post and instead, check to see if the refrigerator has somehow managed to obtain something tasty to eat in her short absence.