Bezos: From Books to Burial to the Great Beyond

Posted on September 20, 2018


Somewhere between the 10th and sixth centuries BC, the first, primitive version of the Hebrew Bible appeared. Whoever wrote it looked at it and said, “Damn, with a simple book I can control the world.”  Over two thousands years later, a man named Jeff Bezos took his words to heart. “The guy was amazing,” he said. “With one book, he controlled much of the planet. Think of what I can do with a zillion books.”

Bezos made good on his word. Amazon now pretty much controls our world, or at least a good chunk of it. It’s a given that folks can buy books on Amazon, but they can pretty much buy anything else that makes life worth living. Examples include illuminated Frankenstein head bolts to wear to rock concerts and a do-it-yourself infant circumcision trainer.

Bezos, having bored himself with the idea of selling stuff, is now on a tear to sell everything else.  He now owns the Washington Post, Whole Foods, and a huge bunch of other online retailers and services providers. Amazon has now started its own delivery service.

Life in the Boomer Lane, also the owner of a creative, prodigious intellect like Bezos, could easily create her own Bezos-like empire, were it not for her various time-consuming hobbies like watching General Hospital and checking the refrigerator numerous times throughout the day to see if any fun items appeared since her last check. But she can, however, ruminate on what might lie on the Amazon horizon. Here goes:

Amazon Medical: Choose the specialist you want online, along with how much you’d like to pay for the service. Doctors will be available at locations throughout the city and appointment wait times will depend on how much you are willing to pay. At the highest price, for Amazon Prime members, the doctor comes to your door, compliments of Amazon Delivery.

Amazon Voting: No need to go to the polls. Vote online directly on the Amazon site. Fee will depend on how quickly you want your vote to be received. Amazon Prime members get free delivery but cannot be assured their votes will be received by Election Day.

Amazon Political Protest: No need to shriek your politics on Facebook, anymore, let alone be subjected to vast mobs of people on marches throughout cities. Shriek your anger on Amazon, and the service will deliver your missives to the appropriate politicians. Amazon Prime members score free delivery, as long as the politician is local and obscure. Others have a sliding scale, depending on how important the politician is. For a very large sum of money, Amazon Prime members can elect to have Trump’s golf clubs rigged. As soon as POTUS touches one, it will start yelling your obscenities at him, compliments of Alexa technology.

Amazon Baby Delivery: Amazon delivers everything else. Why not babies?  Here, your computer screen turns into a step-by-step birthing tutorial, with the option of split screen. This allows you to continue answering email while delivering, or your partner keeping track of the sports game while you are delivering, or, if you and he are political wonks, keeping track of the daily media shit show that is our current government. At the end of the delivery, hold your baby up and the camera on your laptop takes the little tyke’s first photo. The final service is a message on your screen saying “Congratulations from Jeff Bezos and Amazon!!!”

Amazon Burial: Choose casket, cover, whatever on Amazon. Then on the appointed day, have your loved one whisked away in an Amazon truck. Let Amazon do all the work, while you are searching for other, more fun, things to buy. On the appointed day, simply show up at the cemetery and let Amazon do its job. Amazon Prime members score free paper fans, if the temps are high on burial day, as well as a personal message from Bezos, saying, “Jeff Bezos and Amazon feel really bad about your loss. If you are an Amazon Prime member, cheer yourself up with a 20% discount on your next Amazon product. And, best of all, your Loved One will have an upgraded obituary notice in the Washington Post.”