The Reinvention of the Cabinet Meeting

Cabinet members arrive in the room, then take their appointed seats. 

Trump: I’ve called you here together to get this country moving again.  Our citizens deserve no less. They need to know that they have elected the best president who ever lived. Knowing that will immediately solve all the problems we have. And it’s our job to tell them that.

Silence around the table.  One shaky hand goes up.

Random Cabinet Member: “How are we to do that, Sir?”

T: Easy-O.  I want each of you to think about three things. 1. I picked you to do whatever it is you are doing. 2. I don’t have to know anything about whatever it is that you do. You just have to keep me happy.  3. If you stop keeping me happy,  you are out. Actually it is much worse than that, but I don’t want to scare you.

RCM: Sir, we usually speak about the issues of our various departments. Can we continue that?

T: No problemo. Turns to the person seated to his left. Is that a terrorist phrase? I hope not.  Continues talking to the group. Like that guy over there, for example (points to the Secretary of Agriculture). Let’s say he is Secretary of Golf Country Clubs. He says, “The joy of my life has been to be secretary of Golf Country Clubs under the Trump administration. President Trump is the best president in history and he will make Golf Country Clubs great again.”

RCM: Sir, I don’t think there is a Secretary of Golf Country Clubs.

T: OK, someone make a note for me to create a new cabinet position.

Betsy DeVos: I like this idea a lot. It’s brilliant.

T: Who are you?

BD: I’m your Secretary of Education.

T: You look like someone I dated in 1963.  OK, whatever. Thanks for the compliment.  See, she has the right idea. Now let’s practice. Do we have someone who does something about housing, here? Ben Carson’s hand goes up. Who are you?

Ben Carson: I’m the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

T: I recognize you. You ran against me for the nomination. Why would I appoint you to anything?

BC: I don’t know. But you did, and I am really grateful.

T: I must have been having an off day. Are you doing a good job?

BC: I don’t know. You haven’t told me to do anything yet.

T: Good man. Now I see why I appointed you. All right, let’s get started. You.  (points to a short, dark-haired woman). You go first.

Short, Dark-haired Woman: I’m not a cabinet member, Sir.

T: Who are you?

SDHW: I’m here to serve lunch, Sir.

T: Doesn’t matter. You can be an example for everyone. Continue.

SDHW: President Trump, it has been the supreme blessing and honor of my life to be serving you lunch today.  You are a true visionary in all culinary matters. I am unworthy, really, but that aside, I will do my very best to fulfill your lofty expectations. So, do you want ranch or blue cheese on the salad?

T: Extra ranch. Turns to the rest of the cabinet. She did OK. Now, let’s go around the room and practice.