Trump’s Secret Weapon Against Terrorism

Posted on May 23, 2017



Assorted Military Brass and Cabinet Members: Sir, you have called us all together so that you may reveal your secret weapon against terror. We are anxious to hear it.

Trump: Losers.

But we are highly decorated military, sir, as well as your Cabinet. We are not losers.

Not you. Terrorists.

Can you explain?

Sure. We want to get rid of terrorists, right?  I have a lot of experience with getting rid of people. Nobody has gotten rid of more people than me. You can ask anyone. They will agree. I know how to get rid of people. I fired people left and right on my show. I get rid of people all the time. I actually love getting rid of people: wives, employees, Miss Universe contestants, you name it. It’s fun to get rid of people. Terrorists are people. Or at least I think they are, right? 

We are waiting.

OK, so here’s the thing: There is nothing wose than being a loser.  I know, because I’m a winner. That means I never lose. I have never lost anything in my life. If you call someone a loser, they disappear. My ex-wives were losers. Gone.  Comey. Gone.  Hillary. Gone.  Long list. All losers. Gone. 

What does this have to do with terrorism?

We start calling them losers, just like I did last night, when I talked about the suicide bomber in the UK. We do it a lot. Loser, loser, loser. We say it on TV. We Tweet about it. We put it online. Loser. It’s brilliant. I thought of it myself.  After awhile, everyone thinks these guys are losers. Who wants to follow a loser?  No one. Everyone wants a winner. I got the biggest electoral vote in history. I’m a winner. 

I’m not sure ISIS will care, Sir. They think they have a religious mandate.

Whoa, you mean they are homos, in addition to being killers?  That’s really bad.

Sir, mandate, as in the authority to behave a certain way. ISIS is guided by extremist principles.  They don’t really understand the concept of losing or being losers.  It’s them against the world. They represent God.

Oh, I didn’t know that. OK, they don’t believe in winners and losers. How about being fake? Can we use that? We can call them fake terrorists: On TV. Online. On Twitter. Fake, fake, fake. 

Sir, that won’t work either. You know, the God thing.

OK, this is tough. The whole God thing is tough. OK, how about calling their God a loser God or a fake God? Online, on Twitter, on TV.  I can make a speech about their fake, loser God. It’s brilliant. You can ask anyone. 

Sir, we love this session, but we all have to go to attend to the business of government and protecting the country.  Can we discuss this later?

Sure. I’ll stay here and throw out a few Tweets about their fake, loser God.  I’ll also come up with more ideas. Maybe call them nut jobs?