Downton Abbey Wrap Up

Like many fans who have nothing better to do, Life in the Boomer Lane has been engaging in hot discussions with other fans about the current (and final) season of Downton Abbey. Word on the street is that all the story lines will be wrapped up by the end of the series. LBL has decided not to wait.  She hereby jumps the gun and presents what she believes will be the wrap up of all the characters.

Lord and Lady Grantham will relocate to Boston, where Tom has become a (politically correct) billionaire, running a chain of driver training schools. The Granthams will manage his educational foundation, and Lady Grantham will be relieved to be back on home soil, where she can take Pilates classes, be called Bunky, and eat at a table with fewer than 16 people at a time.

Mrs Patmore will open a fried chicken franchise which will pre-date Col Sanders by 25 years.  Her own image, with full Downton Abbey attire, will be on all of the bags and boxes. She will star in her own commercials and will make a freaking fortune.  Eventually, she will see the error of her ways and develop a recipe for non-fried quinoa “fried” chicken and will become the first spokesperson for Weight Watchers.

Daisy will complete her education, become a teacher in the village, take night classes and go on to score a doctorate.  She will become the first dean of the first women’s college in the UK. She will also author an autobiography titled, “Daisy Does Downton.”

The Bates’ will get pregnant and relocate to a town with good schools.  Anna Bates will continue her long history of suffering by first giving birth to quintuplets and then not being able to find good child care. Her long-lost identical twin sister will knock on her door, and she will immediately have the hots for Mr Bates.  Bates will sleep with her, thinking she is Anna. Anna will be accused of murder, find out the murderer was her twin, but not be able to do anything about it because her sister is pregnant with Bates’ baby and Anna doesn’t want her niece/nephew/stepchild to be born behind bars. Instead, Anna will go to prison and will be heard to say to a fellow inmate, “Damn, this is way easier than raising five screaming kids and having to cook dinner each night.”

The newly-married Carsons will relocate to a charming cottage at the shore, where they will parlay their modest savings into a sizeable fortune by investing in derivatives.

Edith will contiue to dither about her newspaper, her daughter, and her single status.  While her publishing empire grows without her and her daughter becomes a priveledged little snot, she will post singles ads in the local newspaper and attend singles dances. She will tell everyone who listens that the last guy she met was an asshole and her life sucks.  She will write a humor column for her own newspaper about the horrors of dating.

Thomas will remain at Downton for awhile, as the Spectre of Doom, hiding in secret places in order to listen to other people’s conversations to find out what is going on.  No one will share any information with him about anything.

The Dowager will pen her autobiography, titled “How to Insult People With Panache” and will take her show on the road. She will be a favored guest on evening talk shows. Don Rickles will later credit her as his inspiration.

Mary will inherit the estate from her father and will turn it into either a Super Wal-Mart or a five-star resort.  She will continue to turn down offers of marriage, until she has exhautsed all eligible bachelors in the UK. She will then realize she has been a lesbian all along, and, with Thomas (who she finds hiding in one of the Abbey’s closets) will lobby for gay rights.