I’ll have Air Over Easy, With A Side of Light. Hold the Potatoes.

Posted on January 7, 2015

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The number of diets out there is exceeded only by the number of calories being consumed and the number of pounds being gained by the average person. For that reason, the latest diet to hit the streets is a logical extension of all the other diets:  Breatharianism. No need to count pesky calories, carbs, fat, whatever.

The Breatharian movement started in India. Breatharians believe that a person can give up food and water altogether and live purely off prana, which they also call “living on light” or “living on air.” Foremost Breatharian, Jasmuheen, formerly Ellen Greve, is credited with starting today’s Breatharian movement. Her Prana Program advises followers to convert to Breatharianism gradually: Become a vegetarian; become a vegan; move to raw foods, then fruits, then liquids and finally prana. You replace physical food with air and light as well as metaphysical nourishment.

The food industry is jumping on the bandwagon.  Entire lines of Breatharian products will soon hit the market, touting their allergy-free attributes. Products will be bottled, canned, packaged, you name it. Consumers will be able to puchase air in any way, shape or form. Special lines of gluten-free and lactose-free air will be available. All labels will state that products are soy and peanut-free.

Chefs are working on Breatharian main dishes to be included in restaurant menus. One sticky problem is figuring out how to contain the air entree on dinner plates.

“We want people to feel confident that the air they are consuming on their plate is the same air that was carefully prepared in our kitchen,” one chef explained. “The last thing we want is to serve air that is contaminated with the general air in the restaurant.”

A battle is already brewing between factory farm food producers and organic farm food producers. The question is, will the average consumer be willing to pay a bit more for air that comes from an organic farm, rather than from a factory farm?

“We believe that ingesting free-range air is far superior to that of caged, boxed, or tethered air. No one could argue the benefits of air from a place in which the air is treated humanely and allowed to roam at will,” a spokesperson for the organic air farmers explained.

A small company that already has buzz around it is Montana Air Foods, touting “Air From Big Sky Country: Endless, and Endlessly Nutritional.”  Other companies will be watching this one very closely.

Celebs were quick to take note of the new craze and to weigh in (literally.) Many proudly proclaimed that they have been following versions of this diet for years, supplementing only with an occasional Starbucks.  They are starting to wear blue strings around their wrists to show they are devotees of the Breatharian movement.

“We are members of a movement, without ever having an actual movement,” Rachel Zoe, fabulously famous Hollywood stylist, proudly proclaimed, as she breathed in her lavish air brunch at trendy Nobu, restaurant to the stars.  Zoe then profusely complimented the chef, who has won several awards for Haute Breatharian cuisine.

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Posted in: diet, humor, satire