The Answers Issue

Posted on September 2, 2014



Time Magazine has done the impossible.  Their current issue, titled The Answers Issue, has hit the newsstands.  Not only does Time tackle the big questions, the ones we didn’t think had answers, it goes well beyond that.  It answers questions we didn’t even know we had and questions we should be asking but aren’t.   Love, sex, money, life here and on other planets, politics, disease, mayhem, nuclear war, illegal drug use, and the best sandwich in the world are all up for grabs.

Because Life in the Boomer Lane knows that many of you are far too busy with whatever it is you do when you aren’t reading her blog to care about what Time has to say, she will give you some highlights. And, because she, herself, has the maturity of an 12-year-old, she will throw in some of her own questions and answers.  She will then test you later to see how many of you identified her questions and answers vs those of the Time staff.

What is the longest word?  The longest word is the chemical name for titin, the largest known protein.  It has 189,819 letters.

What is the shortest word?  The shortest word is the new texting word for “I can’t meet you at the mall now because my parents are home and I’m being grounded.” The word is  so short that it can only be seen under an atomic microscope.

What are some popular designer dogs?  The Chiweenie, the Schapso, the Morkie, the Schweenie, and the Donkey Kong.

Why does the bag not inflate if oxygen is flowing to the mask?  If you have to ask this, you shouldn’t be flying. But the answer is, it’s not designed to. If the bag does inflate, it’s because you are most likely having a hysterical fit and forgetting to breathe and oxygen is building up in the bag.  It will then explode in your face and you will have an issue even more serious than the plane losing altitude.

Are there any safe places left to live?  The top three safest places to live are in remote areas away from natural disasters and the NRA. The three least safe places to live are along either coast.  The #2 least safe place to live is Orange County, CA, which has lots of wildfires and scary cosmetic surgery procedures.

What is the average family size in America? 2.5

Does this mean that America will soon be filled with just old people? Yes, but it will be easier to find space at the bar on Singles Nights.

When will Congress reach gender parity? 2045

When will we go to Mars?  2024, or as soon as there is a Target there

When will China’s economy overtake ours?  2019

Why don’t we get heart cancer?  The heart is mostly muscle cells, which do not multiply, like the cells of other organs.  Hence, no cancer growth.

How much do Americans spend on illegal drugs?  $100 billion annually

Who will win the next Presidential election?  Most likely a Democrat, unless the Republicans discover that the country is populated by more than old white people

How close do we live to important services?   75% of Americans live 30 minutes from work. 71% live 30 minutes from emergency care. 98% live 10 miles from a gun dealer.

What cities will be partly under water in 100 years? Bangkok, Manila, Ocean City, MD

What American city has the most bars per capita? Pittsburgh

How many times did married people have sex each year between 1999-2006? 66

What percentage of women say they enjoy sex a lot? 69% of porn actresses, 32.8% of other women

How much toilet paper do Americans use per year? 433,000,000 miles of it, 81%  consumed during weather emergencies

How soon will we discover alien life?  2035-2040

How bad is the obesity epidemic?  By 2048, 100% of Americans will be overweight or obese.

What would happen if you fell into a black hole?  It wouldn’t be good, but it would be painful for only .31 seconds.

What would happen if you fell into a black hole and your cell was ringing and you couldn’t get to it?  The pain time frame would be greatly lengthened.

If unique means unique, what does “very unique” mean?  Science is working on this issue.

What is the purpose of back fat?  There isn’t any.

Why do feet get bigger with age?  Bigger feet help us balance better when eyesight fails.

Why do older people have problems with food getting stuck in their teeth?  As gums recede, teeth aren’t anchored properly and begin twisting and turning, creating crevasses for food particles to lodge.  This would normally be an embarrassing ordeal while having a meal in a fine dining establishment.  But luckily, since we are also dealing with a sudden onset of flatulence brought on by rich, carb-laden foods, we don’t really care that our mouth is starting to look like an infomercial for a veggie chopper.









Posted in: humor, research, satire